AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

Therapy 5 times a week. Forever? Are you sure?

why aren't you married? You're being conned

Why are you with him?

Plus. You earn a pittance and you dry clean your work clothes?!

this all sounds.. unlikely.

She hasn’t paid any rent or mortgage payments since she’s been with him, she isn’t being conned that much!

I really don’t think you can justify a cleaner OP, on your wages it sounds like you pay for nursery fees and then all your person bits, contact lenses, make-up etc. I think you should be able to manage. You don’t have any huge outgoings like a mortgage or council tax or car loan.

Therapy five times a week??? So every single day?? Presumably he doesn’t go on weekends?

He pays for his eldest DC so he should pay for the he DC you have together. Have you told him you need him to contribute towards his younger DC? He's earning so muchore than you he's being very selfish not to share some of his income and expect you to pay everything for your DC. If you separated you could go to CMS and he'd have to pay you a lot of money if he earns £93k plus gets income from a foreign house let.

He is increasing his savings while you are getting further into debt. That says it all.

Why? You can see I'm terribly in debt and didn't always work PT I was earning about 2,300 before when FT and I've always been v smart fir work. Change of season means I take dresses not worn for ages out of the closest they need cleaning / freshening up. Jackets and coats are DC only too....

Also querying the therapy. Even hardcore psychotherapy isn’t 5 days a week for someone out in the world doing a job and having a life not in a secure unit. Are you sure that’s what he’s doing? Seems very unlikely.

But yeah, this is a bad situation, having a kid with an older established guy who won’t marry or share with you in any meaningful way. Too late to change that now but if he’s not more supportive you could do the sums and see if you’d be better off separating. Costs wise you could make savings like cutting the cleaner, wearing glasses not contacts, getting a weekend job too so he can look after the DC then while you’re at work. The sums you owe aren’t big and your childcare costs are small, but you’re earning a pittance (is that really minimum wage? Are you not doing full days?). If you can get your earnings up even with some babysitting type work you could clear the debts and get back on an even keel. But the relationship/financial inequalities is another matter. And that therapy bill… is just wild.

You should manage on £1500 a month if you are not paying any household expenses like mortgage or utility bills. Yes he has a good income. But £1200 •a month pocket money isn't such a bad deal. Dont know how much maintenance you'd get.

It's analysis. So yes it's correct, he goes to Golder's Green most days but some days are calls. We live in SW London...

That's not a partnership. It shouldn't matter if you're married or not, no decent man would see his partner in debt when she is working part time to raise their child and a chunk of her wages are going on childcare. It sounds like he is spending more on his older child than your shared child. He is taking you for a mug. Have you spoke to him about how much you're struggling and that he needs to contribute more to his child's upbringing?

This
he earns £93k and you have debt????

there is something wrong here

he needs to pay towards your daughter aswell and you need to stop paying for everything and buying clothes that don’t need dry cleaning!

You might be interested in
Radio 4,·04 Jul 2026,·57 mins
Weekend Woman's Hour: Women's Finances and Feminist Fairytales
Woman's Hour
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002ykfy

There was someone talking who has written about and analysed the reasons for how disastrous women’s finances can be, depending on the partner they choose, and their having children.

But he’s spending 2k and 20 hours/days a month on this analysis! And now you say he goes to Golders Green from SW London most days for it. While you’re close to breaking down over the same amount he spends in one month waffling on and not funding his kids properly. He spends more on his therapy in 7 days than he pays for his older kid for a whole month!! He must be seriously fucked up in so many ways.

I think there’s a few separate things going on.
you feel like you’re shouldering a lot of the financial responsibility and he’s not supporting you financially as he should, given his higher earnings. He might feel he is, given he covers housing costs.
you also seem to be living beyond your means given how little you earn, your salary is very low even for part time and doesn’t seem commensurate with dry cleaning, regular salon hair colouring, high end makeup, and a cleaner when you work 3 days a week. Of course those things are nice and you’ve got used to them, but most people in your position can’t afford them.

But also I am struggle to imagine a job that requires dry clean only clothes and expensive hairdressing but would only net you £2500 if you worked full time ...

£68 A WEEK on a cleaner, when you only work three days a week? That’s just a luxury you can’t afford. How much dry cleaning do you need to do? I Literally haven’t dry cleaned any clothes in twenty years and I need to be smart for work. Again, another luxury.

How can a loving partner sit by and watch you struggle to make ends meet? Does he know your situation?

What's going on with your partner's mental health that he's seeing a therapist five times a week? I've got a relative with very severe mental health problems who only goes once a fortnight.

So you're presumably part time because of your shared child. The usual advice is to put child in full time nursery, work full time and split child related costs and housework etc 50/50.

You're not 'entitled' to him paying a higher proportion of costs, but you don't have to martyr yourself.

On the other hand, if he actually likes you, I would expect him to want to help you financially. I wouldn't want my partner to be struggling while I have lots of money.

Same with dry cleaning. Really not necessary just to freshen things up. And we pay the same for a fortnightly clean and it’s plenty. Especially if you're only working three days, the rest can be done between you. Easy savings to make.

OP if you work in a professional environment you should be able to see the vast differences of thinking and your responsibility.

You pay nothing for living. You pay for childcare. Sounds right but you need to work this through.

You don’t need to dry clean your clothes. I am suited and booted daily and don’t do this - most things can be hand washed or machines washed.

If you have grey your solution isn’t only expensive salon treatments. Dye your hair yourself.

You work part time - work more hours or full time like a lot of people do. If you aren’t married working part time the save the money and clean your own house.

If you aren’t married and living together then your debt is your responsibility unless you come together and work it all through.

OP I once tried out a psychoanalyst in Highgate. On the first session they told me I’d need to see them 5x a week. I laughed and never went back.

Some unscrupulous analysts who make a very nice living out of naive people.

If DP feels like he needs therapy, fine. But no-one needs more than 1 session a week, for a set time period unless they’re in acute crisis in which case they should be seeing psychiatrist as well who is working with a therapist.

Youbare oaying nursery costs which is koney you do not see again. He is paying the mortgage which is an investment. You are not married so the investment is for him alone… for now at least. You have gone part time to accommodate parenting. He has continued not to let parenthood impact his income and earning potential. You have out yourself in a dreadful position. Why?

I haven't dry cleaned anything since my wedding dress in 1986....
therapy 5 times a week ? He's just paying a charlatans's mortgage.
That doesn't happen in The Priory , I know as I work in one !