AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

A man should definitely provide for his child. It's not fair that he pays £600 for his oldest daughter and nothing for his youngest. Also, if he's not working why is your child in nursery?

Also, you need to get a grip on your spending habits. It sounds to me like you waste a lot of money you don't have on ridiculous things like "treats", gifts, cleaners and expensive beauty treatments and products. You need to pay off your debts and stop buying things on credit.

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session

So this is nearly two grand a month on therapy alone? That's going to have a serious impact on his salary. Are you sure he isn't in some kind of cult?

I think you can cut back a lot. I earn significantly more and rarely pay for dry cleaning. I buy hair dye from boots. Mooncup not tampons, keep toiletries to what’s on offer in boots.

You aren’t paying the mortgage, or bills and only some of the groceries. You should be able to save a significant amount per month. Dentist etc is only every 6 months so just need to budget for that.

Vitamins - luxury extra maybe can cut back or find cheaper.

I feel that you aren’t paying rent bills or all the food it should be very manageable to pay for nursery and your ad hoc costs. Perhaps set up a suggested budget?

You work 3 days a week. Why do you need a cleaner?

Because she is on the verge of a metal health crisis and a dp who is taking advantage of her.

I struggling to understand, but essentially you have £1300 left after nursery fees to spend on whay you like? Have I missed understood?
who pays for food?

Tbh your whole set up is strange, and you are vulnerable not being married, but plenty of people woukd love £1300 for days out.

There was a thread a day or two ago where the man was earning a lot less than the female OP. The comments on that thread were telling her to leave him, and someone described him as a cock lodger.
Here you are the lower earner and the consensus is that you should be being supported. This site is mad.

However my opinion is that yes in a marriage or partnership the higher earner should help support the lower earner, unless that person is a lazy freeloader in which case the marriage is doomed anyway. You don't sound lazy. I know you aren't married, but marriage vows include for richer, for poorer.
I would be questioning how he sees you and what is his goal for all of these savings. Is it for a future with you, and will you still be expected to slog away at your low paid job when he retires to enjoy his savings?

Edited for typo

It all sounds very champagne lifestyle on a beans on toast budget.

You sound rich but are actually not. Your debts are not actually that bad and you could reasonably pay them off.

I don’t have a toddler but are you not entitled to 30hrs free? I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and work out a budget based on income. He should still pay the mortgage and all household maintenance costs. You should proportionately be paying electric/water etc.

The therapy needs review. 5 sessions a week at £95 a go is insane.

This

I’ve had all sorts of crap in life, had a business and earned much better than this and certainly wouldn’t have a cleaner if earning £1500 a month, has lots of expenses working part time and partner wasn’t paying for said cleaner

But it isnt a race to the bottom and when someone tells you they are on the verge of a mental health crisis, normal people do not respond with I’ve had all sorts of crap in life, had a business and earned much better than this and certainly wouldn’t have a cleaner if earning £1500 a month because it makes you sound like a knob.

Exactly this!
Plus you are the ‘free’ childcare for the 2 week days you don’t have paid work.
I hope he is contributing to a pension for you? Doubtful from what you’ve said.
My DH and I have always paid a proportion of household/children etc costs based on what we each earn. If you were doing this you would not be in debt right now.
You two need a serious talk. Good luck op x

Wow. The lack of comprehension shown here is astounding.

That couple didn’t have a child together though, did they?

The thing that comes immediately to my attention is how your partner can make a happy living with a property in UK, large savings, income from other sources and letting you sink in debt and live on the edge of necessity. and live well.

This would make sense only if you lived in your own place; since you are cohabiting, a loving partner would offer to help in the first place.

Not unlawful what he's doing, but definitely doesn't look good.

Even if you cut all the "luxuries" you'd still be in a worse position. How come he doesn't feel sorry for this disparity? I'm a stranger and I do feel for you.

It's wisdom not ADHD guiding you, you are making reasonable comments.

I'm prone to suspicious if he really has 25 hours of therapy per month or its an excuse to justify money not shared with his partner and child.

Have you seen this money going where he's saying it goes?
Looks like he has many "good" reasons not to share his fortune with his family (you, your child)

How on earth is O P shouldering financial responsibility. No mortgage, no food to pay for no household bills except cleaner.

How does he still have anything to talk about after 5 therapy sessions a week???

What is your pension like? And where will you live if you split up? IMHO you need to be saving the vast majority of your income, and working full time. Honestly this relationship is unlikely to last- as he’s shown you by not getting married. And you need to get your financial future in order asap.

If you split he would have to pay child maintenance but you'd have to pay for housing, bills, food etc. I think that would be much worse financially for you than were you are now. Is there a reason you haven't got married.

He sounds like an arsehole. What kind of man spends £500 a week on therapy while his partner and child struggle. Yuck, Id looking for an exit.

Use your washing machine and clean your own gaff.
Hair dye is less than a tenner in boots.

A lot of people are deficient in vitamins and minerals. I need to take magnesium and vitamin D supplements due to health issues.

@TheHotRock98 does he know what you earn and pay out for - or have you been trying to keep this to yourself because you are trying to come across as some kind of high earner OP to fit in with his image? Really Don’t mean this unkindly OP , more being honest because he must know on your earnings you can’t pay for all these things- have you been trying to keep it all going without being upfront? If you have, you really need a cards on the table chat

Does he know she is struggling though - she has quite a decent amount of disposal income - it's just she is spending more than she should on hair and make up etc. He already pays for housing, bills and food. I'm not sure he should skip therapy so the OP can buy expensive make-up.

Exactly