AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

I still think the OPs got a really good deal, even if they raise to £330 a month. That still leaves almost £1200 a month discretionary spend.

Come on, if I had a partner who worked 3 days a week, got a cleaner every week, didn’t pay ANYTHING towards the living costs at all, and then moaned to me that the one small bill they did pay (currently less than 10% their salary) was too much, I’d not be too impressed. Would you? I’d feel taken advantage of.

I have pre school age children, and our childcare bills are many many multiples of that. I’m a high earner. I still don’t have a weekly cleaner, I get my hair cut twice a year, hand wash my professional clothes, and buy skincare and makeup (and clothes sometimes actually) in TK Maxx.

The number of people doing full pschoanalysis must be very small. First of all it is a huge undertaking and financial commitment. But underneath that there is also a big resistance to doing something like this - see the reactions on this thread for example. The person and others around them think it’s crazy and that no one should need or want that at their age.

There are around 5-600 qualified psychoanalysts with the Institute of Psychoanalysis (www.IOPA.org.uk). If we assume that each of these has say three patients in full time analysis and then the rest of their work is in the NHS or seeing patients at a lower intensity for psychoanalytic therapy plus supervision of trainees and peer supervision, that suggest there may be around 1000 people in the UK in full time analysis.

However psychoanalytic ideas (ie working with the unconscious, the internal rather than external world and in the transference relationship) is the bedrock of all psychoanalytic and psychodynamic therapy. The latter is once a week usually and is sitting up rather than the patient lying down.

There'll be lots of patients having this kind of therapy both privately and on the NHS.

hm - being in five times a week analysis yourself is the core requirement for being a trainee analyst. Its the most important part of the training!

Exactly this. If anyone is taking advantage, I’d say it is the OP

She hardly pays for anything! Hardly a huge financial hit. She’s rubbish at money management - a lot of the money she does have, she wastes. I don’t see why he should give her even more money to waste.

Would he? Presumably the OP paid something towards the bills at some point? Or perhaps not. But either way, single person council tax discount, not paying the food bills and reduced utility bills would probably offset the maintenance.

The OP would be much worse off however, as she would have to cover rent, bills, her share of childcare etc and food

I think this man is a horror.
He is spending probably £500 a week on therapy? Anyone with half a brain knows more than one session a week is counter productive in the long run?
I don’t think it’s outlandish for OP to want to have her hair done and look professional.
He’s got a much younger nanny with a fanny, and that’s about it.
He is taking the piss because he can.

Oh look, another pisstaker given a free pass because she’s a woman..

Reverse the genders and the responses would be different.

And what’s with the idea that the OP is taking the entire financial hit for the child. Of course she isn’t. She’s contributing fuck all other than what benefits her.

She’ll be getting 30 free hours of childcare for the three YO, so that’s the two days a week the child spends in childcare then? Her parent is doing the rest of the childcare. Meanwhile her partner is paying the bills, the mortgage, the groceries, and her money goes on her expensive makeup, her haircuts, and the cleaner she doesn’t need because she works part time. So all her money is going on luxuries while he’s footing the bill for their living costs, and she still thinks he should be paying off her debts?

Honestly the defence of the OP is hillarious.

The man is entitled to spend his spare money on therapy for himself, not matter how expensive, after he has finished paying for the home his child lives in, bills and food.

The OP has got in debt spending £1000 a month on a cleaner she doesn't need, hair makeup and dry-cleaning her clothes! She currently pays for the grand fucking total of 133 towards nursery and presents for birthday parties

At the risk of being rude, if I wanted to debate an AI I’d talk to ChatGPT. In my experience people who love to talk about themselves are generally the easiest to hypnotise. The traits that make you a suitable subject for analysis, like co-operation, are the same traits that make you suitable for hypnosis. And seriously, for real problems (i.e ptsd) hypnosis is much faster a ‘cure’ than any amount of analysis. Where it would fail in this circumstance is if there is no real problem and the therapist is just milking this man for £500 a week… which is rather what I fear. Anyway if he’s so keen on therapy they should get couples therapy and dig into why their relationship is so unbalanced.

93K before tax. 60K after tax. 40K after therapy ...

So after childcare you have £1370 a month (soon to reduce to £1170 a month) disposable income?
And you cook maybe 15% of the time, buy toys and gifts for a toddler and any birthday parties they go to and buy groceries only occasionally?
And don't pay for your shared housing or utility bills or house insurance or council tax?
But can afford £68 a week on a cleaner when you work part-time and are worried about credit card debts?
You're taking the piss, seriously.It doesn't matter if he earns £93,000 or £20,000-why are you frittering away over a grand a month?
Here's a suggestion, cancel the cleaner, stop buying new toys, use toy banks or charity shops, cut up your credit cards, and pay more off your overdraft and credit cards each month.

100 percent!
I'm a MH professional. This analyst is creating dependence and taking him for a ride. It's not healthy at all to see a therapist this often. Especially if he's able to work full time and manage relationships etc. I'd argue that they could almost be reported to BACP. This is just an indulgence.

Only a lodger would be paying rent, utilities and food. Unbelievable.

Agree
Unless Ive read it incorrectly apart from £130 on nursery Op has the rest to spend on herself but doesnt manage that and has got into debt
Dry cleaning is once or twice a year , air or use home refresh kits in between
Make up
Depending on the product it would be 3-6 months

Do you have a spending problem @TheHotRock98 ?

Are you seriously - as a MH Professional - suggesting that all psychoanalysts should be reported to the BAPC? 🤣

I think you're actually right but not in the way you are thinking.

Before they had a child it sounds like OP had the whole of her salary to spend on what she wants.
Now she has to pay £130 for nursery and some more for odds and ends for her toddler.

So, yes, she's taken the whole financial hit. But that's because she wasn't financially contributing before. And she's struggling because she's now expected to sacrifice some of the luxuries that she never thought twice about before.

What is reasonable is that OP and her DP split their household outgoings in some proportional way between them. What's not reasonable is that OP expects to be more than proportionately supported by another adult.

Thank you for the responses - they've all been really helpful. Even the very harsh ones; it's still useful to get a balanced view.

On the dry cleaning issue, I've got dresses and skirts dating back to 2014, 2015 and 2016 from places like COS, Claudie Pierlot, BA&SH and Theory, plus a few designer pieces from Vestaire Collective (all bought and paid for on a FT wage while not being in debt, before I became a parent). They're clearly very good quality and have stood the test of time, so I do think you have to factor in Cost Per Wear. If I were buying fast fashion instead, would I actually be getting a better deal? I don't think so. My grandmother gifted me a Stella McCartney coat. It was expensive, but it's over 10 years old now and still going strong. It's actually coats and jackets that I dry clean the most because, in an urban environment, with grimy public transport, plus sticky toddler fingers, they really do need it.

Clothes seem to be a bit of a hot-button issue on Mumsnet, I've noticed. I do have a good eye for style (I modelled part-time during my university days, so I instinctively understand what works well visually/ aesthetically). Modern fashion has, in my opinion, lost its way a bit, so I'm not rushing out to buy the latest peices from Milano! 😂 But it's still part of who I am to be nicely turned out and presentable and (sorry again), I do enjoy the positive comments from friends, colleagues and so on. I grew up lower middle class, but my parents are respectable working class. My brother's and I were taught that you take pride in your appearance, dress smartly, and make an effort. That's just part of the culture I was brought up in.

My toiletries (moisturiser, face wash, SPF, deodorant and body lotion) are all from Boots or Sainsbury's. I don't buy serums, don't need to. I'm not picking those up at the Liberty beauty counter, don't worry! The only expensive make-up I buy is foundation, primer and mascara (tubing because the drug store ones give me pander eyes). With make up, I'm very much of the "less is more" school of thought: a bit of Rose Vaseline on my lips and I'm done. I buy primer one to two times a year and foundation once a year, sometimes twice. Sorry reading back my original OP I should have been clearer on that, I don't like to look "too done".

I take a multivitamin with biotin because it makes a massive difference to my hair, plus an Omega 3 supplement. Doctor particularly recommends the latter as I'm vegetarian (I eat some fish but no meat, and I've never got on well with dairy).

I'd happily get my hair cut at a hairdressing training college if anyone knows of one in SW London. I have a long bob, so it's fairly low maintenance. As for box dye - absolutely not. I tried it once when I was younger and it wrecked my hair for about six months, so I'm never doing that again.

All costs related to our toddler are mine (apart from the room-and-board aspect, as discussed). I buy all his clothes, shoes and toys, although I don't go overboard on the toy front. Not just about the risk of spoiling him, I think classic toys are often best and builds imagination - he loves his Brio train set. I also paid for his bedroom / nursery (I mean it's one room, he hasn't got two dedicated to him) including the decorating, cot bed, mattress and bedding. A nice rug and lamp from Zara Home etc. I currently pay for his language school too, which is a bit, although we're stopping that next term.

With regard to the cleaner, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a massive clean freak. And to anyone saying I should just do the cleaning myself, trust me, I still do plenty of cleaning.

I do a lot in between the cleaner’s visits, including fully cleaning the bathroom, so it actually gets cleaned twice a week. That’s because we have a toddler and a teenager (sometimes) in the house - that’s muddy footprints from him and a shower door covered I conditioner from her.

And before anyone makes any snide comments about me and my DSD, I’m more than happy to clean up after her a bit (within reason) because I love her. As I also said, I clean up after DP when he cooks too, and I do a good job of it.

The reason we got a cleaner in the first place was because I’d just given birth, and I was finding it too stressful trying to keep the house to the standard I like. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable solution.

She spends four hours cleaning the whole house. I’m not nearly as quick, so it would probably take me around six hours, plus laundry and ironing on top of that. My three-year-old has only just turned three, so I’m not sure how well he’d entertain himself while I did all that, but technically it would be possible for me to take it on.

I also pay for all the cleaning stuff, including laundry detergents and fabric softener. I buy the good quality ones because DS and I have sensitive skin and the majority of detergents give us a bad reaction .

These are the things I don't spend money on that appear to be quite common on Mumsnet (no judgement at all, people should spend their money on what they like, if they earned it):

• the gym, yoga / pilates / a personal trainer
• Getting my nails done, and I don't paint my own nails either so don't pay for varnish
• Botox, fillers, micro-needling, facials, massages, that eye brow thing people do that I'll never understand
• Therapy
• Alcohol (don't drink)
• Jewelry (I only have one silver cross that I wear, I bought an equivalent Magen David too as partner is a Jewish and sometimes I wear both for my DC to signify we're an interfaith household and I don't want him to think that one is more important than the other)
• Perfume (because DP treats me a Christmas and a 100 ml of my favourite Byredo lasts about three years)
• Girls weekends like a city break or spa (I see loads of that on here, but not for me that's not my bag)

What else? I don't have student loan. I did four year course with a year abroad. My beloved grandfather died just I was graduating and he left me and my brothers an inheritance so that and the money I earned from my part time job meant I could pay the full thing off pretty much immediately. I think it was a good decision personally.

All sounds a bit weird. Leave him and he will soon be paying a hell of a lot more towards his child. Work out what he'd pay, tell him the figure and ask him to contribute more each month. How selfish to earn that much and leave your partner struggling. When you have a child together too. So weird.

Why did you get into a relationship and have a baby with a man so much older than you? Was the financial stability a factor? And why have you not discussed the future, what the plan is if you were to break up or he were to die or your retirement?
You’re a professional with a degree. What was your long term plan before you met him? What’s the plan since? This lack of clarity is your personal life seems at odd with your professional life.

Have you actually had a sit down conversation with him? Have you explained how stressed and anxious you are about this? It may be that if you’ve never mentioned it, he hasn’t actually clocked that you’re struggling with it all. That surely is your first step?

I find it odd about your DC’s room and equipment. A lot of fathers might want to pay for that in an active, involved way, on an emotional level, to fulfil a sense of protecting and providing.

Depending on when you did it, advice used to be ( about 20 years ago ‘Money Saving Expert’) not to pay off university loans but invest the money instead. I know it is too late now though even if that was correct. ( I am not so sure.)

Might help to get debt advice and general financial advice? I think it is possible to find this run by certain charities.
This would not help things that may well be difficult with your partner but it might help you begin to feel in control.

By the way, you sound very talented with style and fashion. Are there any specialist, more highly paid jobs you could work your way towards doing (stylist?), or public facing PR jobs?

I agree about not having a bad diy dye job on your hair, but why not check out training sessions at all the reputable hairdressers around you where you could have it done by an apprentice?

It may not be ADHD you have, but just those symptoms of feeling scattered that come from the overwhelming effects of having a baby. But just say the symptoms are the same, you can Google ADHD and money/finances and there seems to be plenty of guidance available.

Thank you for writing.

Getting ready for a kids party but very briefly:

• Because we fell in love
• On a subconscious level perhaps, I've only had one partner before and we were in a relationship for 14 years. He was an artist (painter) who never made money was always poor - I think there's a reason my DP today is the complete opposite

-We have discussed the future including marriage

• My long term plan was to carry on with my profession - I'm a copywriter and I write about very technical, dense essential infrastructure in telecoms and connectivity, and all things related (AI, Quantum etc.) The type of things most people find unbelievably boring I find interesting. Not much space for career growth, I've somewhat hit a ceiling and am thinking about changing for something more lucrative. I studied Russian at University and I speak Russian (out of practice now, never used it), first job out of uni was translating medical manuals form English into Russian, it was so boring I hoped I'd be translating literature that's how I found my way into technology....
• Plan now: see above, re train into something more lucrative, but that costs money and I have a toddler so...

At the risk of being rude ? I’m surprised you’re responding to this thread at all considering the OP states in her OP that she used chat GPT to help with writing OP. We live in a world with AI and people are having to learn and live with that.

But surely it depends on what she spent all the money on? Presumable extravagant discretionary items given housing, bills and food are paid for. Maybe the OH knows she would spend beyond her means regardless of how much she had (although I do agree with other posters that the therapy cost is insane!)