Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

[Hotandbithered]

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

Social niceties should be ignored. You don't offer an anorexic mounjaro. But, yes, stick with Jess and the DC, who are the greatest sufferers here being preyed on by a naricissist with a fetish.

So the kids have to pretend that their dad is now another mum? I wouldn't be enabling that sort of nonsense if I was Jess. Poor thing. Spend your time supporting her through this and leave him to his self absorbed narcissistic fantasies.

It's difficult when men like this succumb to their AGP.

Do most breakups involve the children being told they have an extra mum instead of a dad?

That's appalling. Total dissonance and disruption for the DC. Wicked, wicked man.

Support Jess and help her come to terms with the breakdown of her marriage. Her husband has chosen to live out his sexual fantasies at the expense of their family and friends. She did not choose this and is now just part of the collateral damage.

Transwidow is what the women treated to this narcissistic behaviour choose to call themselves. The husband they thought they had is dead. Also, he has killed every memory of the marriage, saying it was all a lie. Devastating. That he still walk and talks is pretty irrelevant, really. He's not coming back anymore than an actually dead husband is and in a way that makes the bereavement worse because a whole life has been trashed.

The huge irony here is that the kind of bigotry expressed on this thread contributes to the fact that people like Steve aren’t just open about being trans from the get go.

Trans people really can’t win on MN, if Steve had asked to transition as a child, and been allowed to, we know how that would have been received on here. He didn’t so here we are.

I think the phrase ‘trans widow’ is in extremely poor taste given that many families experience actual widowhood and actual loss of a parent.

I support single-sex spaces for biological women, but the fact remains that the prejudice and hostility of many on here towards trans people will actively contribute to creating more situations like Jess’s in the future.

So Steve is gaslighting his own children at best, and at worst forcing them to go along with his sexual fetish/fantasies.

Poor Jess, poor OP and poor children.

My heart goes out to all partners and children of people coming out as trans.

Our niece is in the same position. She married very young and had children with her ex, he's older and has children from a previous relationship. Five years ago he came out as trans and now lives as a woman. Initially they tried to make it work for their young kids sake but she couldn't do it so they no longer live together but admittedly do co parent well.

He spends most of his time on SM uploading pics and videos of himself in bras and knickers.

Our niece is devastated and so worried. Her two girls have already been picked on at school for having a parent who 'looks like a man in women's clothes' - with questions like 'why does your dad carry a handbag?' or 'did you come out of your mum's tummy or your dad's?'. They are at primary school but it will get worse at secondary.

He is 40 years old and has apparently felt like this since he was a teen yet chose to bring 4 kids into the world knowing he was living a lie.

Of course our niece isn't a widow but she is most definitely having to grieve for someone who is no longer in her life and has had to pick up the pieces and try to rebuilt her life again which is heartbreaking as she has had nothing but disappointments from men in her life (previous partners, her father and grandfather). She also says it's breaks her heart when one of the girls asks why their dad choses to wear clothes that aren't the same as their friend's dad's.

Imo, these men are selfish and self centred.

Op, I hope your poor friend eventually finds love again with someone who respects her.

this is what DH feels is the case as he says he has always had ‘interesting’ sexual fantasies.

Good grief!

@Hotandbithered I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it?

The part I struggle with is that, for a man to become married and have children, there is a colossal amount of work involved. The man first needs to meet a woman... then he needs to gain her interest... then he has to be interesting enough that the woman actually wants to be around him... then they have to find a home together... then they need to organise and pay for a wedding... then there is all the decision-making and planning associated with having children...

I can't fathom just how much work that is, and yet, certain men are happy to push forward with that huge mountain of labour while concealing a massive lie at the same time.

I am firmly of the opinion that no gay man, or man that identifies as transgender, that is still in the closet, should ever be going near a woman with the intent of having a relationship.

Focus on supporting Jess and her children.

She needs to get divorced asap, before he wastes any more family money on trying to turn his fetish into his ‘reality’.

As for her children being expected to call their dad ‘mummy’ - I can’t even begin to imagine how this is likely to mess them up.

There are two types of trans women, heterosexual males and homosexual males. The heterosexual males have AGP which is the result of their heterosexual attraction being reflected back onto themselves. There is a "wiring" mishap in the brain, but he is not and has never been "born in the wrong body".

He is a heterosexual male. And perhaps if he understood where this desire to change sex came from he wouldn't want to do it. Instead he has been lied to that he was "born in the wrong body" etc.

Unforgivable. Those poor children.

What lie is he living? He's a heterosexual man. He will soon be living a lie (in that he is a woman and that he always was).

I'm a widow. My children lost their parent. I have every sympathy for these poor women (and children) and they absolutely are widows. At least we can grieve and have memories. Trans widows and children are completely gaslit and told their lives have been a lie. Selfish, porn addled man.

Its actually worse than this. He's not only denying that he was her husband, he's also denying that he is a father to their children. Even if they divorce and he has some form of access, he will be asking them to deny the dad that they though they had and recognise this new person who claims to be someone else.

Here's the thread

Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation | Mumsnet https://share.google/WzdHGjGIaPv4Nabxv

It must be hard for all concerned. I couldn't, in all conscience, start calling a bloke i had known for years by a female name and use she/her.
His children must be confused about it all

Why is it ok to use the expression 'deadname' yet not 'transwidow'?

I understand how you are feeling, these are your friends after all and you sound as though you are a very good friend.

Just carry on being kind and supportive, a listening ear. Jess needs that more than anything. She will get through it but it is understandably very hard for her. It wouldn't have been easy for Steve either but ultimately he made the choice. I'm sure he still loves Jess but in a different way and probably feels a lot of guilt.

It is good they are managing to co-parent well.

But dead name is about the old name and identity being 'dead' not that the person is dead.