Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

[Hotandbithered]

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

He’s authentically letting delusion ruin peoples lives. applause not.

Steve is living the opposite of authentically. He is literally pretending to be something he is not.

In asking his children to call him mummy, Steve is nothing but a selfish and abusive father.

You are of course right. It’s much worse.

His poor wife has no prospect of moving on and truly rebuilding her life, because he is still there. Her children cannot be helped to grieve for their father, because he is still there. And expecting them to call him ‘mummy’. Let that sink in…

The realities of their new lives will continue to mess up their lives, because there is no clear path for ‘moving on’. He on the other hand is living his new life at their expense.

In that case, why do transmen & women call it ‘dead naming’ if you refer to their original name?

Support Jess as much as you can.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm an actual widow and the term doesn't upset me. (I accept that others might be upset, of course.) It works as already outlined above, but also is analogous to such terms as 'grass widow'.

I am a widow my husband died aged 48 yrs and i can see the similarities,the person and father Jess and their children knew is dead to them,he's gone.
It's a confusing and difficult situation for everyone.
All you can do for them is be there.listen and support because they are all going to need support.

Because it suits their mindset.

It doesn't mean it's right.

Of course she can move on and rebuild he r life

It's called divorce.

It's no different to being left for another woman in some ways.

It's checking out of the relationship and looking for another life - maybe he even hopes to meet someone ( a man?)

The whole thing is fucked up. Sorry for your friend and her kids. Jesus.

I'm glad you say 'in some ways' as in other ways it's very different. Imagine the ridicule that their children will face at school.

Because there’s the extra element of why he’s suddenly transitioned. Which is unlikely to be wholesome.

This situation has a number of specific abuse which are unique.

This documentary details the wide ranging types of abuse associated.

It’s a metaphor in both cases. It doesn’t actually mean anyone has died but it’s the same logic.

Is using the word widow here really appropriate!!

Why the sudden hypersensitivity about the word 'widow'? People have referred to 'golf widows' etc for years, personally I think it's an awful word. When I found my husband had died in the night a few years back, as I dialled 999 I remember thinking 'Shit, I'll have to tick the widow box now'!

Maybe to emphasise their own sense of self-importance?

I'd support my daughter fully if she came to me as Trans including using her new chosen name but I would absolutely draw the line at referring to the name I gave her as "deadname" I chose it for her, dreamed of saying it out loud when I was pregnant, said it to her when she was born etc and it is not "dead" and that is my absolute bottom line. It can be called her previous name or old name but "deadname" is a horrendous term and I won't use it, call me Transphobe, Bigot or unsupportive but I have limits and feelings too.

I think if Steve is calling himself a woman, and getting his DC to call him mummy, despite being a man, and their daddy, Jess calling herself a widow when her husband hadn't died is probably the least of anyone's concerns tbh.

I think use of the word “widow” here is pretty insulting to those whose partners have died.

Yes, Jess must be distraught at the end of her marriage and concerned about the impact on her DC.

I would be a supportive friend the same as any other relationship breakdown.

So basically this website is full of tansphobic and homophonic people, such a safe and welcoming space.

Children can grow up with two mothers, two fathers. What's wrong with a trans mum? Are they not present in the child's life, no! Yes it's an adjustment for the family but you know what? Both parents are there for them. It might not be what it was but at least they are there.

The majority of people saying trans people are a mental illness is absolutely absurd! Non of you understand science or biology, there isn't just man and woman, what about intersex people? They are more intersex people than trans.

I feel for the mother of the children she is obviously grieving the husband she had, but non you have heard of the other side. Non of us know the full story, just one side.

Yes you should support your friend, but you shouldn't attack a whole community of people for simply existing.

Trans people have been here the whole time throughout history, it's not new or a mental illness!

By the way some of you are talking it's like you want to bring back institutions for all that don't fit in the box you have imagined, it's disgusting.

The person she married has 'died', to be replaced with a complete stranger in women's clothes.

Another trans bashing thread for Saturday night mumsnet entertainment! Got my popcorn

maybe he even hopes to meet someone ( a man?)

I gather this is extremely unusual. Most men who marry, father children and then transition are not gay, or even bisexual.

I hope the OP's friend has not tried to convince his poor wife that she is now in a lesbian relationship. The best thing she can do is divorce him and try to build a new life for herself and the children. The entire basis of the marriage has gone.

YANBU. Your poor friend Jess. There is an excellent documentary, Through the Looking Glass, I think it is called, where the film maker features trans widows and lets them tell their stories. The general expectation is for them to be nothing but supportive of their husband's new life but they deserve to feel their own feelings about the person they married no longer being the person they married. You could watch it, see what you think, and if you think appropriate, signpost her to it. She will need your support and friendship. I would 100% prioritise that and leave her ex to it.