Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

[Hotandbithered]

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

The use of the word mummy imposed on children to describe their father is pretty insulting to the woman who is their mother, and no doubt quite something for the children to deal with.
Its a bit off to criticise the woman in the situation for potential insult to theoretical widows by her language, when a man is insulting her daily with his.

That is awful and very damaging for the kids. They have grown up with a mummy and a daddy. To suddenly pretend Daddy is gone and a stranger called Mummy X has taken his place is nothing short of abusive. That was my red line when in this situation. Would have moved heaven and earth to keep him away from the kids if he had insisted on this nonsense. Luckily he saw sense and Dad has remained Dad and he accepts I will not refer to him as her.

Just be supportive to the woman. But don't let yourself get dragged into their personal relationship drama.

It can end up bringing you down if you get too embroiled in others love lives.

OP, I think this is really good advice. ⬆Your friend will be going through grief and anger, and it's going to take a long time for her to get her life back. Meanwhile, Mr Selfish will be having the time of his Me Life. This will be just like the divorce from Mr Coercive Control or from Mr I Had Three Affairs, with the added confusion and coercion for the children, now that everyone has to pretend he is suddenly a woman. And your friend will probably be told that he was always a woman, so what does that make her? He won't think about your friend at all, only himself.

Just support your friend.

Not sure of that but it's bloody daft.

So one minute he's Dad and the next he's Mummy Julia? That's vile. He could have at least let the kids keep calling him Dad.

I'm hoping that Jess can find the odd moment of humour in this. Surely her fanny must clamp shut like a shark's jaws at the sight of her husband as a woman!! Hopefully she can see him as a figure of fun. Sounds like he's making a complete fool of himself. And she should divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour - any judge would grant it in a trice.

Jess must feel awful, but actually, this is a positive development. Who the hell wants to be married to a man who wants to be a woman? Now she can be free to find an actual man.

This is the most sensible response so far.

Support your friend Jess, and shun the selfish, lying weirdo she was married to.

DimwittedSkater
she should divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour - any judge would grant it in a trice.

She doesn't have to give grounds, does she? Any divorce now is always because of "irretrievable breakdown of marriage", and if he wants to contest it he has to give legal grounds for that not just his feelz. If he has the sense God promised a parsnip, he won't contest it.

I love men who don't conform to stereotypes.

But if a man was my partner, witnessed the birth of our children (and the subsequent effect on my body/ career/ life) and knew my life history......

And after all that declared that he was also a woman?

Well the best I could say is that he clearly hadn't been paying attention to ANY of it.

The trans all claim the old them died. Hence the word "Deadname". That person they were before they transitioned is dead and gone.

I think the phrase ‘trans widow’ is in extremely poor taste given that many families experience actual widowhood and actual loss of a parent.

So, your nice little stance on bigotry does not extend to allowing how a woman feels about her own marriage, relationship and life to matter? If she feels that what her partner was, as she knew him has died, this does not matter?

But if he feels that his DC must call him mummy and all the rest of the same old tired bollux that goes with the trans Epicentre of the Whole Universe™ epiphany, then those DC have not lost a father and their actual experience of that loss does not matter?

Can't believe people still believe this guff. Read about AGP. He isn't intersex, he is a heterosexual man who has been sold a lie. No one is brave enough to tell these man that they have AGP, because a lot of people are making money out of gullible fools like him.

A man that has always been typically male, had male interests, attracted to women, always masculine. And people still believe that deep down he's actually a woman?

The only times I've heard people more accepting of a trans identity is when they had an extremely effeminate gay male relative, as it seemed to make more sense. (But discussions can be had about transing the gay away).

I don't particularly buy into this idea that as soon as someone assumes a trans identity they must immediately have our sympathy and support (no wonder so many men lie about having a trans identity on the way to court).

He's detonated a bomb on this marriage and family.

BUT he can have my sympathy once he realises that he's been sold a lie and mutilated his own body and destroyed his life (as well as that of his family's) because no one ever said NO. No one ever told him that he has a fetish. That he wasn't been in the wrong body. That no one will accept him as a woman etc.

But no one ever tells them NO, and they only realise once it is too late.

How do bisexual trans women fit into this supposed dichotomy?

Not “her” HIM. HE wants to be called mummy, the male who fathered children with his sperm wants to emotionally blackmail these children for his kicks.

Agree.