Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

[Hotandbithered]

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

Mike drop 😘

@Eyesopenwideawake does AP mean affair partner? Well I didn’t want her to be left at all but I suppose she wouldn’t be navigating all this if it had been an affair with someone else. Though I agree the overall outcome would be that the marriage was over

@StrangeGree yes good point I guess you can become unrecognisable from who you were for many reasons

I’d drop Steve like a hot brick, and focus on Jess. I hope she is able to dump him.

Getting married and having a family when you think (rightly or wrongly) that you're not the sex you appear to be seems fraudulent. Surely that should mentioned very early on.

And if someone doesn't realize they have such a dramatic disorder at the point of marriage and kids, what brought it on?

Poor Jess.

Agree. Support Jess. She is going to need it, and so are her confused children. What a selfish man. If Steve secretly felt all along that he was a woman (and he can never be a woman, he's a man) then he did Jess a massive disservice marrying her and fathering her children.

Indeed

Your poor friend and kids. I agree keep up with the family trips etc, he just won’t be there. To have been lied to for all
those years and now it’s all about him. I wouldn’t treat it any differently to an affair in that sense, she needs to get a good solicitor.

Turns out Steve was a cunt all along. Getting his kids calling him Mummy Twanky is surely abuse. I would support Jess and forget the man who lies to everyone including himself.

If you are referring to Steve, it's OK to say "him". Can this silly man not see how going from "Daddy" to "Mummy Annabella" and expecting his children to refer to him as such is just going to fuck the children up? But I suppose that's Ok as long as it affirms him as a "woman".

I think its perfectly appropriate. I also think its far more inappropriate to police traumatised womens language.

Exactly.

It’s a very weird way to put it and I say that as someone whose husband actually did die a few weeks ago.

She’s not a widow, she’ll be a divorcee.

Although I understand her grieving the loss of how her marriage once was.

No, they don't have two good parents. They have a mother who cannot grieve her widowhood and a narcissist who wants to parade his fetish in public and who will not be a good parent since he is obsessed with himself. Sadly, his erstwhile wife should divorce him and get away because the pathway he is on will only lead to her greater grief. Her husband has died, but worse, he is denying he ever was her husband and turned every memory she and their children have to a lie.

You don’t know if I’m traumatised. Yet you’re policing me.

Obviously the marriage being over is one (enormous) grief - to heap onto that the notion that Jess, their children, and everyone associated with the ex now is expected to pretend that humans can actually change their biological sex is outrageous and absolutely unreasonable.

Putting on a Napoleon hat does not transport one back in time and make one Emperor of France.

Jess's STBX is a man, born a male, will ALWAYS be male whatever he wears, swallows, cuts off, adds on. Biological sex is immutable and binary.
He's just got AG fetishism. How very boring and unoriginal 🙄

Poor Jess, Steve has had a delusional breakdown and now thinks he’s a woman, and this is impacting her and their children. Unfortunately current social niceties mean you’ve got to pretend you believe that Steve is now Stephanie, even though he’s not.

Whilst I’m not suggesting you cut Steve off, if you find his obsessive behaviour is making it difficult to spend time with him, and you no longer have any interests in common, just spend time with Jess and the children.

I think the reason these marriage breakups are different from usual is because of the coercion eg language /attempts to make wives and children deny reality and their entire life experience with him (eg deny that their dads a man!) &/ or involving family members in sexual paraphilias - hopefully that won't be present in this case. But sadly if this dad is telling his kids to lie and call him 'mum' it's unlikely to end well when they are older. https://childrenoftransitioners.org/paperwork/
childrenoftransitioners.org/six-children/

There's a film about it 'Behind the Looking Glass' on you tube about the women and children affected. Usually TV companies only publicise the beliefs of the 'transperson' so this is the only film I've seen interviewing the partners.

There probably hasn't been a lie all this time. More likely he's got porn-induced autogynephilia and is rewriting history to an acceptable narrative.

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am a widow, though not recently, and it is hard and not the life I wanted at all, those people keep saying how good I am! I fill up the spaces as I know you will be doing as well. Hugs.💐
As for the OP's friend she is not grieving how her marriage once was, she is faced with knowing that the marriage she thought she had never existed and all her memories of it are really lies. No, not a widow. And certainly better off without this narcissist.

Jess has lost her husband. I think the divorce rate is something like 50%. She's not alone.

I should imagine most people who split will say things like:
he's not the man I married
there's been so much deceit
I wish it didn't affect the children

Transitioning has barely got anything to do with it. I should imagine effective coparenting would be easier living in separate houses. Jess doesn't have to accept anything she doesn't feel comfortable with.

I would not speak to him again

Yes that too.

Cut him off and support her, she needs a divorce and he needs to stop wasting family money on his little fantasy that he has kept hidden all of these years.

I concur, cut him lose. Let him live his best brave & stunning life with the other preening brave stunners.