Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

[Hotandbithered]

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

Helpful suggestion.

If you’re friends with someone for over 2 decades you think you know them just like you think you know a spouse or family member.

Any deviation from what you believe a person to be to something else always requires a period of transition with regards the relationship.

I think the easiest thing is for you to do what you feel comfortable with. If you don’t feel like going on a camping trip or night out with Steve - then don’t.

of you still feel comfortable doing these things with Jess - then carry on.

With regards to dealing with it when with Jess - take her lead. Don’t they and hope any thoughts you have about - “dishonesty” has already caused this situation.

It not going to be something anyone can advise you how to deal with specifically. You just need to keep communication open and honest.

How am I policing you? I've not told you how you can or cant describe yourself.

Support the wife and kids.

You are a good friend.

It must be awfully hard.

Yes poor, poor Steve, all he wants is to force his kids to pretend they now have 2 mums. Poor Steve. 🙄

I could forgive men who want to become women if it was just that. But they seem to want to deny every 'male' experience they had before at the cost of denying their families and friends experiences of them. Why can't they just say that they have a burning desire NOW to experience the remainder of their lives as a woman?

But Steve has "died" and another person appeared.

Or steve could have chosen not to marry a heterosexual woman and father children with her

If I were Jess’ friend I’d chat to her about how to get away from the mental illness and keep her children out of its orbit. Move too far away from him for him to ever visit, if you’re a widow…. You don’t have to be haunted, right?
try to go nc.

Don't call her a widow.
I have friends who are widows and there is no comparison.

It's only my opinion but I think she should divorce him.
And asking the children to call him mummy is ridiculous.

If he wants to change gender that's his choice but his poor kids don't need their heads messed up.

She'd be better off of they lived separately.

Poor Jess. How awful a thing to have happen to you. Their poor children too.

He has voluntarily chosen to abandon his wife and children and foist a clown like fake ness into their lives. He ain’t dead, he’s toxic.

Child abuse

*AnneLovesGilbert I'd certainly not be encouraging my kids to call my partner, ex to be called mummy anything. *

I hope your friend gets help.

My niece's ex is the same. Goes online ranting and raving about his rights etc and says he is a woman and therefore female yet if you challenge him with 'Well how come you've managed to get two women pregnant, four times?' he suddenly becomes quite silent.

But dont you understand, poor Steve is the victim here (somehow) and therefore not expected to take any accountability or responsibility for his actions as a grown adult.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling sad for Jess. She's lost the marriage she thought she'd have, and it's understandable that she feels she's grieving. Partners of people who transition often describe it that way, even when they want to be supportive.
Where I'd be careful is saying Steve "lived a lie" or suggesting he deliberately put his children through this. Many trans people spend years suppressing or not fully understanding their feelings because of fear, shame or confusion. That doesn't mean they intended to deceive anyone.
It's also not surprising that Steve is very focused on transitioning at the moment. It's a huge life change and may not always be the centre of his life. Hopefully, as things settle, he'll regain more balance and reconnect over shared interests.
Ultimately, there doesn't have to be a villain here. Steve deserves to live authentically, and Jess is entitled to grieve the loss of the husband and marriage she had. Both things can be true at the same time.

So no one has died.

Any man who tells his children to call him Mummy is 100% a villain.

I was widowed in my 40s from the man I'd been with practically all of my adult life, decades. I have no objection to the term.

That's the same thing. 'Dead' might seem as insensitive to someone who's been bereaved by a real death as 'widow' might to someone whose husband really died. But we have 'dead duck', 'dead wrong', 'grass widow' and 'golf widow' etc, so 'deadnaming' and 'transwidow' are legitimate choices of terms by those affected.

To summarise Steve is a knob who thinks he can change sex, which is impossible. He may be well educated but is clearly quite stupid and probably believes that the earth is flat and the moon is made of cream cheese.

Emotionally support Jess and the children and have nothing to do with the deranged man.

Grow up! This is something that affects her too

How is living out a fetish, having surgery, taking hormones, changing behaviour etc living authentically?