My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

The OP says ‘Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included.’

he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

The thing is that he’s not said anything that isn’t true. A ‘blended family’ (rather hate the term), is never and should never be seen as replacing an original family. Whether through divorce or death, is is wholly different to the original (no matter how dreadful the original was). A step-parent, no matter how wonderful, cannot and should not replace a parent. They can be amazing, they bring new things (good or bad) and they can even sometimes provide something that is or was perhaps missing in a parent; but they don’t replace them.

And (and I am wholly in favour or second marriages), a blended family is not something anyone but the two adults forming a relationship choose. Everyone else - children, grandchildren, grandparents, etc. - have it thrust upon them and have to try and cope. And often just about coping is as good as it gets. Of course, the two adults involved often end up pushing things and forcing things, and celebrating things that don’t actually exist, or, if they do, then usually not to the extent that they build up in their heads. And they often evangelise too: ‘what a wonderful thing we have created, the children have discovered new siblings they like - love! - and a new and totally perfect parent too!’
It’s nonsense. Of course it’s nonsense. I’ve known (and been part of) many blended families. Some are complete disasters and others are about as good as can be hoped. None of them are fairytale wonderful and packed full of love and the answer to everything that was missing before. Again, the children never asked for this.

I commented on you previous post. Saying that your step son’s idea sounded awful (forcing divorced parents and family on to a yacht!) but also absolutely understandable.

You talk repeatedly of being incredibly understanding and of how perfect you believed you blended family to be, but at the same time everything you write is filled with jealousy and insecurity. You say: ‘I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation‘, why not? I thought everything was rosy. You talk as if everything is caused by other people, but the way you write screams insecurity and jealousy, possibly to the point of controlling (that you told your wife you weren’t being controlling rather tells us that you were: hint, if you’re not doing something you don’t usually have to point the fact out).

Ultimately none of this is about you. You’ve inserted yourself into this and made it about you. A decent step parent shows their understanding by being understanding, not just by saying it repeatedly whilst proving otherwise. He’s a teenager going through difficult things. You need to be the adult in this and stop competing.

I think your wife should have put her foot down at the very start and said no, don't be ridiculous, we've been divorced a decade, I'm not spending a week with my ex husband, go have fun.

But I also think you have a very rosy view of things. You are not his dad. He's right, he didn't ask for a blended family. You and your wife wanted a house together and marry, that was 100% for your benefit, not his.

This, for sure.

There's no "reasonable" or "U" for the op, just hurt feelings.

Navigating blended families is really hard and six teens is very hard no matter what.

But any partner of mine agreeing to this would be facing a lot of questions and, I'm afraid, suspicion.

Unfortunately the wife has set herself up for being unable to say no to a similar holiday with the ex for the younger children when it's their turn. There were other options for a bio only celebration that didn't necessitate a week away on a yacht, in presumably fairly close confines, for a week.
It's not about trust, it's about basic respect. The OP has been behaved well in my opinion, and offered what should have been an acceptable compromise. I would probably have accepted a weekend in order to acknowledge DSS feelings, but a week is a step to far.

OP is going to have to decide if he's willing to go through this again, twice.

This poster has summed it up perfectly

I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt, but I don’t think it’s personal that he just wants his biological family there. Don’t let it be one a big deal

I’m sorry but you have a wife issue rather than a stepson issue. There’s prioritising your kids and then there is going on a week long yacht holiday with your ex husband like that’s odd. Never mind continuing to go after finding it was the ex husbands idea. All trust has been destroyed surely and through no fault of your own.

So sorry OP. I’d move forward focusing on your kids and yourself first from now on. Your relationship and family dynamics have changed because of this situation. Your stepsons feelings are valid as most children want their parents to be together and blended families are outside the children’s control but he is now able to voice his feelings due to his age. It’s not your fault though and tbh it’s not your stepsons. It’s your wife for not putting in place boundaries with her children and ex husband (reasonable boundaries) and lying to you.

I think if this was a female saying their husband was going on a week long yacht holiday with their ex wife you would have had different responses.

I can't let this lie. If stepson asks them to make him a new biological brother while they're out there, you know for his actual family, will the wife be down for his special occasion. This is nuts, mumsnet be better. Where is everyone sleeping on this yacht? OPs wife is disloyal, inappropriate and needs to be divorced. She went because she wanted to and will do so again.

The thought of my DH and his ex tolerating each other in any confined space for any length of time makes it hard to wrap my head around the idea of a week on a yacht!
But I’m sure my step kids would have wanted their parents together and no matter how many years together we aren’t a successfully blended family. I’m still the step mother (the kids lived with us during their teen years). I guess you are coming up against not a son but an individual who has their own take on things which is contradictory to yours. Even my own kids can throw things at me and I’m stunned at how they viewed certain experiences.
This trip would not have happened in my family because the exes did not get in to that extent. A family dinner we have managed, though it wasn’t the most comfortable. And I do question the ‘right’ of a person to dictate this. If I was your wife I would not have agreed. I would say I’ll join you for the day and perhaps overnight but I’m not spending a week with my ex and away from the rest of my family.

Also does this mean your wife is going away again for her other children’s birthdays?

YABU to make his birthday about your feelings. Your children also shouldn’t be having a say in it. No matter how positive an influence you have been on his life, you cannot replace what he lost when his nuclear family broke down – and that’s OK. He DIDN’T ask for his nuclear family to break down. Do you honestly think any kid would be happy that happened? That they’d prefer it?

That’s not to say you haven’t made a blended family successful and brought a bad situation into a better one. But it is what it is.

I imagine his 18th birthday may be bringing up many internal emotions about reaching adulthood and leaving his childhood behind. He’s young, and for half his whole life that childhood was with his nuclear family and then processing the end of it and then processing a whole new family.

Give the kid a break.

I always think in these situations you should turn it round. Try to see it from his point of view. Re write your post as if your step son is writing it.

He isn't rejecting you, you know. It's just that his birth father is still alive so you can't be 'dad' to him.

I mean, he does have the right to ‘dictate’ how he celebrates his own birthday, because that’s exactly what he did. He doesn’t have the right to force his mother to do something she doesn’t want to do, but he didn’t - his mother chose to acquiesce to his wishes.

Yet another who thinks this is all on your wife. Reads like she made belated and half hearted attempts to resolve the issue after it had been agreed. She should have been adamant from the start that a week in a confined space with her ex was a non starter. She has disrespected you and your marriage.

Your stepson has been manipulated by his Dad but your wife has enabled it. Time for a serious rethink. Relationships will not recover as trust has been damaged.

What’s with these prolonged celebrations?
All your wife needed to do was say yes we can have a family meal with the biological parents and kids and then pack the kids off for the yacht holiday.
That is it.
I feel for OP here he sounds like a very kind, understanding man.
The young man in question sounds like a bit of a brat.
And how the wife decided to go on that yacht for a week I’ve no bloody idea. She’s certainly shown she doesn’t think much of her husband.
I am in a blended family - kids grown - and the biological parents and kids have some meals and occasions that I steer clear of. I think it’s really important they have that family time. But no way would my other half say well we are all going on holiday for a week.
It is about having respect.

^This.
I've never had a holiday on a yacht but I've spent time on one owned by someone I used to know. It was a good size one - they had a film room, so not small - but it's still a pretty small, intimate space to share with one's ex spouse for a whole week.

Most reasonable people would see the inappropriateness of spending such a week with someone they used to be married to. And I suspect that most people would be unhappy with their spouse going off and doing what OP's wife is doing.

Obviously having your biological parents living together is what every child wants but live isn't always ideal.

He's eighteen not eight and just because this young man wants to spend his 18th birthday on a yacht with both his biological parents doesn't mean he has to get his way.

It's his eighteen birthday, he's not getting married. There are so many other ways his birthday could be celebrated that don't involve his now divorced parents going off on a jolly together for a week.

I think it's manipulative of his father to arrange it and unfair on OP, her current husband, for his mother to go along with it; but I suspect that was behind the father's thinking.

I’d do (almost) anything for my DC but if they expected me to spend a week on a yacht with my ex my response would be “Not on your Nelly!”, big birthday or not. Some things are completely unreasonable requests. Your DW has no respect for you.

Can’t believe your wife has gone along with this just because the kids said that’s what they really wanted. I mean, yes of course they want that, they’d probably like nothing better than their mum and dad being together again permanently but that’s not going to happen so the adults in the scenario have to gently explain why. Not just say, “Oh well, I guess I have no other option then.” FFS.

He's 18 and wants a holiday with his actual parents. He is not related to you, he didn't choose you to be part of his family and he quite possibly had no say in you joining the family what so ever. It doesn't mean he hates you or never wants to spend time with you, it's just that his actual parents are his real/closest family.

I'm amazed that you can't understand that.

You now know how he feels about your and your children, and it’s very different to how you wanted him to feel. That’s just the way it goes sometimes.

I’m not sure why people are saying he has to deal with the reality that his parents aren’t together, as if that’s not what he’s been doing for at least ten years. ‘Dealing with it’ doesn’t mean liking it, or considering a stepparent and step siblings to actually be family.

Reading this it occurs to me that your DSS's biological father has arranged this trip to cause just this disruption. Your DSS and DSC will not realise this, may never realise this, and probably can't understand why DM is a bit weird staying on a yacht with DF in this way, either.

Doesn't mean he has to get what he wants, though, does it? Especially if it means his mum has to disrespect her husband to achieve it.

Except they are actually family. Family by marriage is family. I am going on holiday in a week with my DSS's family. No-one is my blood kin. My DD is looking after my dog and my DSS's DP's dog - she lives in another city and is not coming on the holiday. We are family.

He's not intentionally punishing anyone. He's just trying to reclaim his closest biological family unit, and his stepdad isn't part of that.

Well that should please him then shouldn't it.