My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

His actual family is his biological family, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.
It means his mum and dad spending time with him as a family ( which is probably very rare) is really important to him.
It's not about you.

I would massively resent my partner going off to play happy families with his ex for a week like I didnt exist.

While I understand your step sons point of view and I would have been ok with her going for 2 days. The whole trip is too much. And she shouldn't be letting her child and ex dictate to her. At 18 her son is old enough to be told no, im not comfortable with this unless she secretly wanted to be there for the whole trip and didn't have the guts to tell you.

DSS has not been unreasonable. Your DW on the other hand should have shut that down right away AND should have told you the full story. Does she have a reason why she didn't? Her ex sounds like a snake if the whole thing was his idea. Nobody invites their ex wife on a yacht for a week and thinks that's fine and normal when she's in another relationship.

When they are back i would first focus on helping the kids make up - nobody is wrong for their feelings, it's just a messy situation where those feelings have ended up prickling against each other. Communicating gently and listening to the other side with curiosity instead of judgment should get them through, but you might have to lead it.

Next you need to figure out what to do with your marriage. It sounds like it'll be a lot of hard conversations.

It is really hurtful for you, but remember he is probably hurting too. I didn't have any milestone birthdays, graduation party or even a wedding because I knew it would cause issue with one of my parents and/or stepparents. I am so angry with myself, but also them for that, and at the same time I love them. There are so many conflicting feelings. I can totally relate to your SS saying he doesn't belong anywhere. I described myself as being a venn diagram at that age, I was overlapping in other people's families but not solely belonging anywhere.Having my own child and being in a nuclear family unit felt like such an incredible achievement for me.

Agree to him having a celebration just with biological family if he wants one but that can be done with a meal out. Possibly even a day doing something.

A week-long foreign holiday in close confines on a yacht? Fuck that shit. That's taking the piss.

It wasn't just him though. OP said it was all 3 of DW DC that were wanting it to happen and got upset when DW originally said no.

I am sorry but it is not normal for someone who has been divorced for ten years to go on holiday on a yacht with their Ex.

Does ex DH have a wife?
What is her take on this?

I agree with this. However I also feel it's ridiculous for the wife to spend a week on a yacht with her ex husband! I can't imagine any current husband or wife being entirely comfortable with this and, regardless of how they feel about their current family set up, I would expect an 18 year old to have enough nous and sensitivity byt that age to realise that it's a very unfair request of their mother and her husband.

Why is it taking the piss? It seems people are more worried about the mum and dad cheating with each other.

The stepsons somewhat right though - he DIDNT ask to be part of a blended family, and your kids aren't his family.

As usual this is adults doing what they want, not thinking about the kids and then being hurt because the kids don't like a situation they've had no say or control over....

I grew up in a blended family. I love and respect my step mum and step siblings and I'm glad they are in our lives. For two random families, we are lucky to have similar values and outlook on life. Not much friction. However they are not family in the same way. Little things. They are more physically active than we are. We are more relaxed to be around/more chilled. They like to talk on the phone... we.... don't. They tend to serve themselves larger portions and worry less about making sure everyone has had enough before helping themselves to seconds. I'm sure they notice different things, but there are unspoken things that you just 'get' with your own brothers and sisters that they don't get. However much I love them, there is still grief for the family that would have been had my parents stayed in love and pain when I see my dad treating my step mum with kindness and respect when he didn't always treat my mum that way. You have done a very wonderful thing in bringing up your step children. You can be sure that you would have known about it before now if they didn't like you, but it's wishful thinking to think you're all one big happy family with no subdivisions. That having been said.... I think your wife should have stuck to her guns and said no yacht for a week with her ex. That is so weird and confusing. She could have respected her son's wishes for a celebration with his blood family with a dinner out!

But the kids biological father specifically orchestrated this to exclude OP and his kids. He’s basically using his son’s milestone birthday to point score against OP.

The wife shouldn’t have gone along with it.

Theres two bits to this
One you clearly have tried to be a great stepfather and it's a shame dss doesn't see that but you have to accept his view.
Even so a week away for your 18th with both parents is too much and I think you actually have a wife problem here. A meal or a special day out yes but a week on a yacht... No way.
Now this does need discussing when she gets home as presumbly the other 2 step children will demand similar and your children may also ask for this. All that annual leave spent with ex spouses!
Your dss has shown you what he thinks, respect it. Pull back a bit and remain dignified. "I'm sorry you feel like that" but detach.

They're not a family though. His parents are divorced and his mum has been married to the OP for 10 years.

That’s a lot to process @Derkkk and for now that’s probably what you need to do. Take time, process, and see where you are.

I remember your last thread and I’m sorry that you all weren’t able to find a better resolution. I don’t think your dw has handled it well, but I also would hate to be in her shoes and trying to manage this situation.

It’s not unusual in a long marriage to have an event that divides time into before and after, and I think this is going to be one of those for you. It may be marriage breaking. It may not be. But it is unavoidably marriage changing.

I don’t want to share the details (because it would be long and a derail) but years ago I was in a situation where my in law family dynamics came close to breaking us, and ultimately dh prioritised another person at a significant personal cost to me. Without the details this sounds petulant but it really wasn’t. For a while I didn’t know if “we” could survive it. Or even if I should try. Since then we’ve had, over a decade of, a really good marriage since that, but it fundamentally changed everything, to the point where it feels like he and I were almost different people before that.

I wouldn’t rush to make any big decisions yet. Up to this point you’ve had virtually no control in this situation. Now the ball is in your court but you don’t have to smack it back on anyone else’s agenda. You can see where it lands, you can walk off with it in your pocket, you can play a different game. Stupid metaphor, I know. My point is that there isn’t any one right and clear way to deal with this. It might even be too soon to decide. This situation hasn’t finished unfolding.

Some of these comments are absolutely bonkers! It’s like I’m in a parallel universe. No OP you are not unreasonable at all.

It’s good you didn’t make a fuss, the bio dad is definitely trying to cause trouble.

But why did you need to drop them to the airport? Why couldn’t they get a taxi? If the bio dad can afford a yacht trip he can afford a taxi for them.

Don't pick them up from the airport, make plans with your own DC.

And yes, make no more special effort for step-dc. No more midnight pick up from their friends, no more cash gifts, or other gifts. Let their mum do it all.

And write your will to ensure your assets go to your own children where relevant.

When my DSIS got married my DM was livid that she wanted photos taken with our dad. My DM was in tears in the toilet saying "but we are her real family!" (meaning my DM and her husband, our step dad). I was speechless at this, I honestly was dumbstruck that my DM thought that the very close, loving relation we had with our dad was meaningless in her eyes and that we should write him off in favour of our stepdad.

Why assume it was the father? Maybe this was what the son wanted and the father booked it.

Who the hell wants to spend any extended time in a small space with their Ex?? 😳

I suspect that within a day, your wife will be bitterly regretting agreeing to go on this holiday. 😂

This is crazy and it’s both your wife and your stepson who are at fault here.

Your wife - well I just don’t know what she’s thinking, this would be the end of our relationship if this were me and my OH went off with his exwife on a yacht for a week.

Your stepson - boo hoo this is life and he could just have been told no it’s not happening. He’s being awfully manipulative and actually very cruel.

I don’t know why adults are surprised when their kids and partners kids tell them that they don’t regard these so called blended family members as family. They were forced on them by adults. They didn’t get a choice.

My parents partners and their kids will never be my family. Tbh, I don’t really like my parents after the decisions they made in making us live with randoms for their own convenience. I love my full siblings though, we went through a lot of shit together and only they get it.

Stop forcing your kids on each other. Blended families are mostly shite!

I think your wife's actions completely call your whole marriage into question. She should have nipped this in the bud immediately. In her shoes, I would have offered to take a trip just with my son to have special time together, but I would not play let's pretend with an ex husband of many years. The lying just shows that she knows it's unacceptable behaviour. I would wonder if the EXH has manipulated your DSS because he wants to reconcile with your W.

I wouldn't pick up where you left off. Please think about seeking individual therapy for support and to look at your options. I'm glad your DD stood up to SS. You should at least consider ending the marriage over this.

The 17 / 18 year old is NOT at fault