My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

They're not 'A' family anymore but it's still his family and always will be.

And I think that's what DSS was saying.

The stepsister got angry and said DSS was acting like her Dad and her siblings weren't really his family and he said that just for once, he wanted to spend this big celebration with his actual family. His Mum, Dad and siblings. I don't think he was saying they were still 'A' family.

If I was asked to describe my family I'd say my Dad, my Mum, my brother and me. But we haven't been 'A' family for nearly 40 years. But still my family in a way my step-family never could be.

They’re actually legal strangers, but sure - by definition they are members of a blended family. I think it’s fairly apparent that I’m referring how an individual would define ‘family’ for themselves, emotionally.

You and your stepchildren may consider each other family, and that’s fine. No one said you shouldn’t. OP’s stepson, however, doesn’t consider OP and OP’s children to be family, and that’s fine too. He doesn’t have to.

Op you're going to have seen dozens of messages about how blended families don't work and it's selfish adults some of which has some accuracy. However, please allow me to give you an alternative perspective from both me, my middle stepsister and my partner. When I was 17-20 I was quite simply not very nice. I was utterly grim to my stepmother, father and mother. My parents had a very acrimonious divorce so the idea at that time of them in the same room would not have appealed to me. I also had no interest in my younger stepsisters. I was in short, selfish. My eldest stepsister followed a similar pattern. In the 20 years since I have built a wonderful relationship with my stepmother and stepstisters. We are in every way the epitome of a great blended family. My mother gets on with my stepmother and subsequently better with my father. My Stepsisters both went through their "biological only" family phases and have decided with age that didn't work for them either. My nephew's and niece's are regularly looked after by myself and my partner. We're all very close and lunch most weeks. My partner has also made amends with his stepmother and step siblings and generally after a lot of apologies and growing up from everyone we're all good. My kids have multiple loved aunts, grandparents, cousins and uncles and family is one big thing. A lot of what made this possible was that stepparents on all sides didn't push. If they had it would have entrenched the biology only family view. We all do quiet support and acceptance not pushing and demanding people split themselves or loyalties. Sometimes that hurts but so do most relationships when they grow and change. In hindsight all of us in our family dynamic didn't feel like we'd had bad childhoods or that blended families were bad for us. If anything we're better for it in some ways. We felt differently about it at different times depending on our points of growth and different personalities but as a child I wasn't miserable about it and, according to my sister's, they were happy with it as well. As teenagers we felt differently and weaponised it as something to complain about. If we'd been with our biological families it would have been something else (youngest sisters view). Teenagers don't have clear views on relationships. That takes time and wisdom. Your stepson may never develop this but perhaps if you don't push, as difficult as that maybe, he may well come round to a completely different way of thinking. Assess yourselves honestly, through individual therapy if necessary and encourage honesty without fear of getting in trouble to help all the kids through the difficult teenage years. Everyone can improve and become better parents so take the time to do that now. This may just be a phase. Life is long and in 15 years you may have much improved relationships. Rose coloured glasses are often a thing with children who's parents have split a long time ago. The thinking that "I love these two people and they're both great and nice to each other so why can't they be together" often stems from the fact that they have been (rightly) protected from the bad stuff between their biological parents and so don't fully understand why it didn't work in the first place. The erroneous view that if the step parent just went away their parents would still be together also tends to take root. Parents should be age appropriately honest throughout their children's whole lives about things like this not just assume that a conversation when their children were small is enough for them to fully understand why their parents aren't together. I'm not suggesting being rude about your ex but your children should be in no doubt that the romantic relationship is over. It stops anyone getting trapped on a yacht for a week with their ex if the children understand that's not a boundary to be crossed. Boundaries and clear honest communication are the cornerstone of these types of relationships. Everyone needs to develop these. Therapy helps as does the empathy that your teenage children will eventually, hopefully, develop. You'll get there op, if you're willing to do the work, it just might be a rough road for a while.

Agree @Derkkk her ex is controlling and she had a chance to say ‘that’s a step too far’. It would also outline to her son that he doesn’t get to decide.

From memory of the previous thread, the dad is extremely rich, mom earns very well, and OP earns half of that

So all these recommendations to throw the dummy out and weaponise money against the stepchildren won't be very effective.

At 18 he’s old enough to realise that being forced to live in close quarters with an ex for a week is torture. If someone posted on here that they’d invited their DC’s ex partner on a family holiday, they’d roundly be told they were in the wrong and I’m sure their child would have a massive problem with it.

OP’s DSS sounds very selfish. Pandering to his fantasy that his parents are still together isn’t healthy.

I have photos of my parent’s wedding. My DF is dead, but my parents divorced when I was 6. I would never dream of displaying those photos in my home out of respect for my DM. I certainly wouldn’t have forced them to spend a week together.

Agreed. I know "narcissist" is an overused word nowadays, but I do think it applies to these people. It takes a serious case of Main Character Syndrome to think that because you love your new partner, your child will be happy to have their life turned upside down and have new people move into their home (which they're too young to move out of). It smacks of seeing your child as an extension of yourself rather than a person in their own right.

Agree totally with this I'm afraid.

Then it wouldn't be a big deal then right? Mum and ex won't be that bothered?

I commented on your last post, OP. I can only say how sorry I am for the situation. At best, you could blame your stepson's immaturity. But realistically, if I were you, I would emotionally detach from him. Perhaps when he is older, he will realise how hurtful his behaviour was, and relationship repairs can begin.

I suspect OP would get wildly different responses if they had been a woman and it was their husband going off on a yacht trip with the ex.

I remember that too. Out of all of them, OP whilst still in a decent financial position, is the ‘poorest’.

The stepson isn’t going to care at all about OP withholding money.

I always see red flags in an OP who describes their step-kids parent as 'biological'.

You only need to say biological if talking about complicated situations involving adoption or surrogacy.

Otherwise it should just be their Mum or their Dad. Prefacing it with biological always suggests to me that the OP is positioning themselves as more than a step-parent and diminishing the actual parent.

I think you need to stop centring yourself and your feelings and accept that Dstepkids' feeling may differ from yours.

Absolutely this. Only very recently- in my mid-forties have I finally been able to properly articulate how I felt (still feel really) as part of a ‘blended’ family: the forgotten one.

Also your daughter sounds like a bit of a drama queen tbh.

What a wee dick your ss is! Your wife and her kids are also arseholes to allow themselves to be manipulated by bio dad/exh.
Think this would cause serious harm to any marriage.
You're a bigger person than me op

Absolutely! And I imagine that his step son is finally trying to make himself heard and pushing back against a narrative he neither believes or asked to be part of.

She might be if OP does well in the divorce.

@Derkkk, this is a difficult one but your DSS does come over as a bit precious and seems to have been given as an 18th birthday party the gift of control and manipulation.

His father, suggesting the family holiday has manipulated your DW also.

Not one of them seem to care about anything other than DSSs 18th birthday.

I get that the celebrations didn’t include the whole blended family and that your side had your own celebrations but the holiday is going a bit to far.

Your DW didn’t want to go bit the kids kept asking and she gave in.

Where is biological Dads DP, is he single are they hoping mom and dad get back together.

There are another two 18th birthdays coming up, does this one set a precedent?

If I remember correctly the father is single.

If he was in a happy relationship himself this situation would never have arisen.

honestly this yacht trip sounds like it's going to be a complete disaster.
Squashed into a small area together when they aren't used to spending much time as a group. High expectations of the perfect family gathering of a family that dissolved over a decade ago. Guilt from your wife about going anyway.

Personally I think it's mad of your wife to have agreed to it. A few days away, in separate hotel rooms, maybe. A week long yacht trip is a completely different kettle of fish. At the end of the day, the fact that it's what your SS "really wanted" is a red herring. 18 is a big celebration because it's a marker of adulthood and part of being an adult is realising you don't always get what you want and need to think of others occasionally. What if he'd 'really wanted' a new car or a million pounds!

If he thinks that you and your dd's are not his real family, that's up to him. Even if perhaps it was a bit harsh to say out loud, he's allowed his opinions. But then he can't complain if you/they treat him accordingly.

What a difficult situation.

I'm not sure anyone in this setup is being unreasonable, and there's probably a lot of good intentions in various quarters, but that doesn't mean it's any less hurtful for any of the people involved. That said, it's the adults who had agency here, not the kids, and this is a risk that OP and DW chose for them.

Do you get to choose who to invite for your birthday? Is anyone who isnt invited being EXCLUDED?

Well he’s right… nobody ever gives the kids a choice in these blended families. They just have to like it or lump it their whole childhood.