My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

He doesn’t get to dictate, no. But he can ask. Which is what he did.

I also agree with @takealettermsjones - this catastrophising language of "Everything's broken now" is (however common) an emotionally immature response to this.

It's also inflammatory and manipulative, and it would help you a lot to recognise that trait in yourself. (I'm not saying this to be unkind - I genuinely think it would be useful, I have found it so myself).

There is much more happiness to be found in a position which doesn't ask for total surrender to your fantasy of how things should be. If you demand that everyone sticks to the script that, because you are a decent man, your blended family has been a triumph - a part of you always knows that you're enforcing this 'reality'.

Better to accept that some situations are shit and people get hurt. Sometimes parents behave in ways that further their own needs but not those of their children, and you can't steamroller that away.

There is a price to pay. Again, I don't say this in a punitive way. I think it's better to look it in the eye and accept that in a complex situation you made choices - some selfish, some less so - but that there were always going to be impacts on others that would have to be faced one day.

Life is complex and there is rarely a Right Way. But acknowledging that fact also means that we have to acknowledge the collateral damage, look it squarely in the eye, and do the best we can to ameliorate it.

Which in your case is putting on your game face and making absolutely sure that your SD is not penalised for his completely legitimate feelings of placelessness, and residual hurt.

And - as quickly as you can - fixing the huge error you made in setting your own DD up as your agent in this. That was bad, and needs to be addressed asap.

I remember your thread u thought it was the son’s idea and I commented that he’s only 18 once let him have his wish. But hearing that it was the real dad’s idea…. Is he single he might want his ex wife back

Any sensible parent would have shut this down instantly. I just don't understand why some people allow children/young adults to call all the shots in a family, it's bizarre. She literally obeyed her son. Ridiculous.

The OP didn't necessarily bring about the family breakup, and if not no-one should blame or 'punish' him for it. His wife walked away from the DSS's father (or vice versa). THEY should be taking responsibility for the break up.

I think it is entirely wrong for either the OP's wife or the exH to allow DSS to have his way on this. The DSS doesn't appear to have come to terms with the change in family circs, and he really does need to. However much he wants things to be different. Allowing him to dictate that his bio mum and bio dad go on holiday together is not going to be in anyone's best interest.

I would be seriously wondering whether OP's wife's and her ex are quite as fully separated as they appear to be, or whether there's still an element of having your cake AND eating it. Do you think that the ex (or even the OP's wife) expect to have sex while away in the middle of the ocean?

You and your children are unreasonable here. If my partner objected to me spending time with my ex for our shared children's big occasions I would leave him.

Bringing together a family of six children was never going to be easy. There are bound to be problems. I dont think your wife should have agreed to go on a weeks holiday with her ex. Thats not really on.

Your post is all about you and your narrative about your successful blended family.

These children were all very young when they were thrust together by their parents' remarriages. Most children are desperate to please their parents, and so will have fully internalised your narrative of how wonderful everything and everyone is.

Now your DSS is older, he is unsurprisingly revaluating his childhood through his own lens, and is questioning and challenging this narrative. Things that he previously accepted as being just how things are, he is only now realising are a direct result of the choices his parents made, and that perhaps some of those choices have led to outcomes that weren't actually in his or his siblings' best interests, no matter how much you might like to think they were.

To me, this holiday sounds like his way of pushing back and trying to reclaim some of what he feels he lost when his parents reorganised their lives to suit themselves. Perhaps your wife understands that on a level you don't.

Oh to hear how the kids have viewed the last decade living mangled as a blended family

On a birthday date - yes. But on a week's holiday on a yacht?

You are his family but you are not his biological family.

I hate sayings like this. It’s so patronising and disrespectful. Blood means fuck all in families.

Friend of mine was a step mum to two boys from the ages of them being 5 and 6. Split from their dad when they were early 20s. She’d had in her eyes a great relationship with them.

She’s never seen them again. There was no falling out with their dad, she actually gets on well with her ex. I think it demonstrates how for some kids their step parents mean very little to them.

I can see why your dss might want just his biological parents there for a party etc but unbelievable that your wife has actually gone on a week long yacht trip with her ex. I wouldn't want to stay married after this.

Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Mate you're only human. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Would anyone have found that acceptable? Of course they wouldn't.

I'm sorry I wish I had advice to offer. I don't know how you go forward from this tbqh. As a family. Or a couple.

You'd have no problem if your husband told you he was going on a glamorous holiday with his ex for a week coz his 18-yr old son wanted it?

Course you wouldn't.

Presumably, this is going to happen again in 3 and then 5 years' time when the other two teenagers demand the same sort of deal for their 18th birthdays.

The OP's wife should have said no at the outset.

Exactly.

All these posters saying get rid of the wife and HER kids, change your will, make sure YOUR kids are sole beneficiaries or tell DSS to leave and go to live at HIS Dads. You've wasted your time putting a roof over his head, supporting him..blah blah blah

Are proving the point that despite what most people say, when it comes down to it, it's not really a 'family' at all. It's pretending to be one so long as the DC play the part and pretend too but nearly everyone really always sees their family and their step-family as separate entities despite all the blended family facade.

Oh I think he DID dictate it. Asking implies the possibility of a negative answer.

I wouldn’t be happy if my husband went away for a week with his ex wife and adult child. Not sure why she gave in like that as she wouldn’t like it, if you did similar?! Now you know that you’re not considered his family! Nice to know so you don’t give him any house deposit money!

Is there a stepmother in the picture?

Even if I had liked my stepfather (he was an alcoholic abusive shit) he still wouldn't have been 'family'. Sorry, OP.

To add to my earlier post - if you play this wrong then this, rather than the situation that this child found himself in against his will, could easily end up being the catastrophic incident that blows your family apart. You must find a way to absorb this new information that you SDS was not as happy as you have been soothing yourself by believing.

Step very carefully.

Can we stop pretending that the DS is living a tragic life because his parents got divorced and he was “forced” to live in a blended family where he’s treated well, loved and everyone gets on. I mean, fucking boohoo.

This yacht is a shit idea and whoever came up with it needs a slap.

I feel for you OP. I’m not sure I would have tolerated my DH going on a yacht for a week with his XW no matter what the circumstances but it does sound like your DW wasn’t happy either but had her arm twisted.

I hope as family you can come back from this, but it will take work. And ignore what the little gobshite said to you.

Which would confirm everything DSS felt was true

So he's punishing his StepDad? Not his Bio parents?

My lovely ex used to come on the big house / cottage get together my parents booked for all the siblings ...because in our family they still regard him as a son.

I think that's a bit different to a week on a yacht just you, your ex and your children.

The reality is what looks like a blended family that works wonderfully to a parent may be an ok arrangement that works brilliantly sometimes but is always a compromise to the child.

18 is still pretty young. This kid wants on celebration which doesn't include his step family. I think that is pretty understandable. He is the eldest child who was older than the others when his parents' marriage broke up. He probably has strong feelings of loss. I wouldn't for a moment head off on a yacht for a week with an ex but I do think a family-only celebration wasn't unreasonable and while OP's dd is entitled to her feelings, she isn't entitled to expect her step brother to feel exactly the same about her family as she does.

OP, I would focus on the bits of your blended family that work well. I would spend some time acknowledging that a step family isn't the same as a family of origin and you weren't starring in a lovely version of the brady bunch all these years. Your feelings and your wife's feelings weren't the only emotions felt. Don't give out to your own kids about this. Just say you understand his point of view and you'll have a lovely holiday too. What is between you and your wife about this week long holiday with her ex (on a yacht - jesus that's close quarters) is something for the two of you to figure out.