My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

She's still not vulnerable however .
Maybe she has really enjoyed this trip and recconect and it's been a healing time for them all which in no way impacts her life with you .

It's your insecurity here.
Which does make me think maybe she's vulnerable in some way and doesn't know her own mind.
And if there are two more weeks in future out of 52 x 30 years so what.

This blended family your seeing from your perspective. I'm sure you are a very important figure in your step sons life but you arnt his dad.

Many parents put their own needs first with blended families .
I can honestly say it's not somerhng I would have done to my DC i would wait until they had moved out

And you don’t?

This is not a reasonable comment to make about a young person who is in pain.
You obviously have some immense bitterness towards someone in your own life but don’t take it out on the OP and his children.

Or alternatively loving every second of it…

My objection to the word “let” is that it’s controlling and a completely inappropriate way to talk about another adult. I would ditch any partner who thought they could dictate my decisions.

I’m not “taking it out” on anyone. There’s nothing to take out.

Her behaviour is completely inappropriate. Who the hell does she think she is? Maybe when she’s a little bit older she’ll realise that not every thought that enters her brain has to exit via her mouth.

No, I don’t.

What the hell are so many of you posters thinking.... I can only assume many of the vitriolic comments are from people who are NOT in blended families... In MY blended family, my husband took my son to football matches...took him to doctor's appointments... came to parents evening at school.... paid for fancy trainers and football boots etc etc.... and for my daughter he attended ballet shows.... ran her and friends here there and everywhere... braided her hair.... taught her how to use power tools.... I could literally go on forever. NOT ONE SINGLE TIME did he ever say, or even think, "go ask your real dad to do/pay" .... And as adults with their own lives they still send him father's day cards...they still call him, frequently, for advice or help on projects in their homes. My husband is an adored and adoring Grandad to my son's little girl..... My ex died several years ago, but my husband is and always has been much loved by his "step" kids. It would devastate him to think either of them would exclude him from a big event in their lives. But they would never dream of doing so. BLENDED FAMILIES CAN AND FREQUENTLY DO WORK !!!! The OPs step son is clearly influenced by his father's money. And he's a selfish young man. He'll find out eventually that that's all smoke and mirrors, and realise where true love and loyalty lie. The wife on the other hand needs to think long and hard about this whole situation. Her son DOESN'T get to dictate what she does. And her son, and all the other kids, will up and leave one day and if she treats her husband like this now, she may find herself alone when that time comes. You must be heartbroken OP. But you need to reevaluate your place in this family, and in your wife's affections.

Being nosey here, and you can tell me to
keep my snout out, or spit at me, but are you in a relationship?

You only dropped them at the airport yesterday though.

How much communication would you normally have expected in well under 24 hours?

🙄🙄🙄

You should take your own advice on board. You've already had posts deleted by Mumsnet so they have obviously breached Mumsnet posting guidelines. I presume that it's due to the extreme language you are using to attack OP's daughter.

I assume that you are older (but obviously not wiser) than OP's 19 year old daughter who was upset about the way her father was being treated. There is no such excuse for you.

You’re right, you are being nosy.

The head girl routine doesn’t suit you.

Why do you resent them taking photos together? Do you expect them to take photos separately even in your absence?

Do you know how many children of divorce would LOVE to have ONE photo of them with both of their parents? But we aren't allowed because of their adult bf/gfs feelings!?

@ElsieTannersCoat ”Maybe when she’s a little bit older she’ll realise that not every thought that enters her brain has to exit via her mouth.”

This coming from you made me LOL!

But you are on a wind up aren’t you.

Think what you like; I couldn’t care less.

Last year, the youngest child became seriously ill and was hospitalized for five days. Guess what? Their dad only visited once, even though he paid all the hospital bills. My wife and I were the ones who stayed with our child at the hospital the entire time.

This is quite revealing about where the fault lines actually lie. The ex has a lot of money because he has a career that requires him to work weekends and be away. You begrudge his wealth, and also his having to earn that wealth. You begrudge his presence in your lives but also his absence.

Who would have paid the hospital bills if he didn’t?

If he’d been by the bedside 24/7, would you have been feeling sidelined as you do now?

@ElsieTannersCoat you could have said the same thing much more pleasantly - without the totally unnecessary ’snot nosed cow’ and ’snout’. She is a child and surely as entitled to her feelings as the birthday boy.
No need to be so nasty.

Blended family here. Bio parents definitely should do graduations etc together. A holiday though it’s a hard no.

More just sticking up for the stepchildren who don't have a voice, thats why people get so het up

But as you say, he’s the birthday boy. She can decide how she feels about her own birthday.

We all know that you couldn’t care less and that is why you have attempted to high jack a thread where everyone is being considerate what ever side they land on.

Then comes @ElsieTannersCoat, “Oh,
all these reasonable people need a bit of spite and vitriol from me”.

Why don’t you start a thread and we can all
pay attention to you and give you some advice as to your apparent problems.

Go away!

Go away!

Ooh, how cutting.