My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Honestly it is broken. Though I wouldn’t expect them to message or call you, they have made it clear your mums husband.

How long have they been away for? For your wife to of made contact once?

If you were a woman I’d be telling to you to make your exit plans and well no different since you’re a man.

Her children based on the fact they all took offence to her only going for one day or not at all says they all very much think like the older Son. They want time with both their parents well away from this blend.

Your wife rightly or wrongly depending on how you view it has shown you that her children come first and if that means sharing holidays with her ex she will do that.

The problem now is the children know that, so now every birthday, graduation and so on as long as they can get dad on side they can force a family holiday because, but you did it for James why not me? Am I not important enough? Wedding no Ops not invited it’s a proper family only event.

Can you live as two separate families with pretend smiles day to day to be excluded always at anything important to your step children now the wheels have started turning.

Does your ex wife have a new partner OP?

Did I just read down thread that the OP in another of his posts had said that he had tried to limit how much the exH spent on his step kids because he couldn't afford to do the same for his DC.

Honestly, what did I just read?

OP - what the hell has it got to do with YOU how much money is spent on those DC by their dad. So, if their dad wanted to bung them a deposit on a house, or buy them a car, or pay uni fees up front, you would try and block that? It is non of your business.

You know what, you are way overstepping the mark here. I'd actually go one further and say that you are demonstrating controlling behaviour over your wife and step kids. They aren't your kids, end of. I think you have tried to impose your way of doing things on your wife and DSC for your own comfort.

I bet in a little while you will be on here saying your DSC want to live with their dad as they get more independent and have more autonomy over their lives, because they don't want to live by your rules.

I don’t think the DSS 18th birthday should trump the feelings of the wider family. I mean, I get on well with my ex but I wouldn’t want to be on a yacht for a week with him! It would be incredibly awkward and inappropriate. It’s great when parents can still come together to celebrate their shared kids but I’m talking weddings, graduations, that’s kind of thing. Not family holidays. Your wife should have put her foot down and said no she wasn’t comfortable with it.

The blended families debate about ‘dc not choosing this’ feels a bit irrelevant here. I mean I know MN generally hate blended families/stepparents and believe anyone who finds themself single with a child should remain single until child is grown up, but it this case it sounds like it’s worked very successfully up to now. That unit is worth protecting too but it sounds like op wife has been manipulated into thinking her sons birthday demands are more important than anything else.

I really feel for you op, it is not a nice situation to be in.

OP you sound like a lovely bloke with emotional intelligence and empathy.
As a partner these are wonderful qualities and your wife is lucky to have you.
As a step kid, however, it counts for nothing and I’m so sorry you’re finding this out when you feel you have invested so much into the relationship.

My mother trailed me through living in 2 blended families before I was 19. One step father was a complete dick, the other was lovely but his kids were dicks.
It’s taken until I am 58 and for her to now have dementia to unpack how selfish that was and I’m very angry. I can’t tell her though because she can’t remember.
However, regardless of how bad the blended situation was, I would NEVER have expected her to play happy families with my Dad for my sake. If they were happy, they wouldn’t have got divorced 🤷🏼‍♀️feigning it for me would have just been awkward and weird.

Your step son is entitled to spend his birthday how he wishes and your wife is correct in putting her son before all else; but I do think her son’s (and the rest of the family for that matter) expectation to spend a whole holiday as one “happy” family is fake, unfair and unreasonable Your wife should have stuck to her compromise solution.
The ex sounds manipulative and one of those types with money that will always get what they want because money is power and the feelings don’t ever matter…. Sounds like with the son, the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

You need to have a serious chat with your wife about where you each feature in each other’s pecking order and agree to stick to it.

Forcing blended families to “love” is never going to work which sadly you have found out the hard way after investing so much of your own heart.
Good luck - I hope you find a happy medium

Yes!!

I'm glad your wife has called you and you talked.

However, YABU about your step kids. They are on a holiday of a life time with their mum and dad and obviously having a great time and you are at home sulking. I actually feel really sorry for your DSC and what they will be walking back into.

Please tell me the 18 year old is leaving for Uni in Sept, the poor kid.

It was my wife's decision to divorce him after he cheated on her multiple times. He never expected that she would actually go through with it.

He still wanted her then, and he still wants my wife now. He has never acknowledged our marriage.

My wife and her ex's family are still close. He's still invited to my in laws' home, as well as to my wife's sister's parties and family events, and my wife's family also attends events hosted by his family.

I have always been uncomfortable with the situation, but I considered it my issue to deal with and never made it into a problem for anyone else.

Does the ex pay CMS? Or the equivalent of whatever country you’re in

Agree. For the young, posting on socials is communicating.

Your wife is being very unfair
Shes having her cake and eating it while running rough shod over your feelings.
You’re a passenger in your own marriage. Time to be less passive, more vocal and decide what you want

I agree with this.
I feel very sad about this situation because there are many people involved here with feelings.
The OP needs to look at it from everyones perspective which he's not showing any empathy towards.
Its just about the way OP is feeling as it says in the title of this post.
You feel like you are no longer family because your DSS wanted this occasion to be special for him, it was his birthday wish.
Show that some respect.
OP hasn't got his way and made it into a big issue.
There are people on this post who are saying the wife is in the wrong.
But there are some adults who have shared that they have been in the step childs place.
They have some very strong feelings.
Its not all black and white, at the end of the day you will have to make a choice and live with it.
Going forward, you don't have to emotionally invest so much in the DSC, they are grown up and have their own father.
You can still keep this family together and give your own DC time and when it comes to milestone birthdays, make it special for your DC.

Your DSS is just spending some time together with both his parents.

I am a single parent but I hate my ex so wouldn't want to ever spend some time together with him.
Also my ex hasn't had any contact with his 4 children for the last 9 years.
However, my children do carry some emotional pain, which I have to deal with.

The children are helpless and have no say when the parents split up but they do suffer emotionally. I imagine they are confused and wonder why their parent has left them?
They may wonder if it was their fault?
Every child will be left with different feelings so I can't even imagine how the children feel.

So when the parents divorce, the children don't have a say. This is your DSS birthday wish, so maybe you could find the heart to accept it.
Even if it's a selfish or naive decision in your opinion.

She was put in a situation where she felt she had to choose between me or her kids. That situation was created by her ex.

She chose to put her kids first, and I understand that. Someone was always going to get hurt, but as adults, we have to accept that. It was his 18th birthday, and there was nothing wrong with what he wanted.

However, this plan came out of nowhere just a month ago. I believe my wife's ex deliberately planned it and manipulated both my wife and the kids into accepting it.

My wife initially said no, but he eventually persuaded her to agree. It wasn't his place to create a situation that could drive a wedge into our marriage, yet that's exactly what happened.

Now, what if her other two kids make the same request for their 18th birthdays? Or what if my own kids one day ask for a family trip with just their mom and dad? This situation sets a difficult precedent. In my opinion, this trip should never have happened in the first place.

I'm reading your updates about the compromises you make about any issues arising.
However, are there any compromises your wife also makes?

It hasn't worked successfully if OP and his DC now think that the DSS not wanting to celebrate his 18th with his step-family means he doesn't see them as family and the step-siblings don't want to talk to him again.

And it wasn't successful if DSS is saying he didn't ask for the blended family, didn't feel like he had a place and just once wanted to celebrate without the step-family and is now being rejected by them because of it.

And it wasn't successful if OP is expecting his step-DC to call him from their holiday and is taking that to mean the last 10 years mean nothing.

The DW going on the yacht trip shouldn't be happening in my opinion but lots of people are focusing on that and ignoring the OP title which is about OP and his DC expecting the DSS to want to celebrate his birthday with them and when he hasn't, they've taken great offence.

This, a thousand times. Some seem to have taken this opportunity to make it all about them.

The 18 year old is not responsible. His Dad who had affairs while married presented the yacht holiday and the ex-wife went along with it. It reads as if her attempts to say something came long after it had all been agreed. By then it was too late. Of course their children are going to be happy at them all together and who could blame them. However, that is not real or honest.

The mother/wife/ex-wife is largely responsible for the shit show this has become. Her ex played her and she allowed it. She should have said she couldn't and wouldn't go on a yacht for a week but maybe they could look at other alternatives. She committed to @Derkkk 10 years ago but failed to respect him in her decision making or participation in this sham holiday. His children have been disrespected too which has resulted in a fracture in their relationships too.

Blended family or not most of this could have been avoided if there had been openess, honesty, transparency, respect and no game playing.

I

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.
It is painful to imagine trying to accept one situation as a one off and letting it go but then another one comes along.
We are all human and it is painful.

Bluntly, given your descriptions of his behaviour around cheating on his ex-wife, your wife, do the step-children (his children) know what a duplicitous arsehole their father is?
Because if they did - and I recognise the sensitivity of disabusing children of illusions about the sanctity of their parents - it might change the dynamic.
As for your in-laws still welcoming him to family events I'm gobsmacked really. What are they thinking?

Yes, the problem here appears to be that some of the people involved were under the mistaken impression it's worked more successfully than it has. If DS sometimes feels he doesn't have a place, and this has come as a surprise to OP, something has clearly been wrong somewhere.

Fwiw I get why feels like a slap in the face, and it reads like OP and DW probably have had the very best of intentions. But it's evident that the degree of 'success' or at least the adults belief in it has happened off the back of at least one child feeling unable to speak freely until now.

This is a conversation you have to have when she’s back. ‘ You have two more children, are you going to let your ex manipulate you into week long holidays with all of you as a happy family and leaving us out for both their birthdays too? They will be entitled to say but you let dss accept dads amazing offer, and they are children so can’t be expected to see how manipulative he is. You can though. I think after this I need a bit more separation than we have had, he’s a manipulative possessive asshole, treated you like shit and your family eat out of his pocket and you expect me to suck it up. I think I probably need less all family holidays and save more to take my kids on amazing holidays because you’re all doing happy families without us on something amazing.

OP I would prepare for the possibility that your 17 year old DD won't want her stepfamily at her birthday, and also that as the DSC get older they might not want to come to things anyway. Your own kids might actually just want you, their mum and their full bio siblings too. So it shouldn't be a 'what if', you'd be wise to have a plan.

You’re projecting here - how does a photo communicate ‘the last ten years haven’t happened’? Honestly it’s understandable to be upset that your SS doesn’t feel as you do, but comments like this come across as a bit controlling.

I wonder how close you are to any of the kids if his feelings are news to you after 10 years. From your OP, you’ve been in his life the same length of time you’ve been married to his mother, which suggests he didn’t have much time to get used to the idea. Assuming your kids moved in full time too at that point, I’m sure all the children had feelings about it that you (and your wife) seem to have been oblivious to. It’s a shame to find out like this but families do go through ups and downs, and if you feel you’re going to walk away from the whole set up because your feelings are hurt, then maybe you also didn’t feel the sense of family that you claim. If your own children upset you would you be looking at their photos and mentally berating them for ‘acting like nothing happened’?

You’re still giving your wife a massive pass on this. What she’s done is unbelievable, even more so given the fact that she knows her ex wants her back and has not acknowledged your marriage.

I can’t believe you aren’t more angry with her.

Last point occurred to me too.
Would a week at Pontins have evoked the same response

@Derkkk, do you think you and your DW have put sensible boundaries in place when you embarked on this large blended family?

Many may say it was not your place to set
boundaries on you DWs children, I say it was.
I don’t get the impression that when the DC were young there was the “you can’t tell me
what to do, your not my dad” narrative.

I do believe that despite the trials and tribulations of parenting and family life you have had some success in your blended family, until the golden boy, found his voice, as some say.

As responsible adults we should all be setting good examples and boundaries to all children we have contact with.

Ultimately boundary setting was your DWs responsibility, did she do so, or has she brought them up in a atmosphere of guilt, apologising in her attitude for the break up of their perceived happy home?

The whole dynamic you explain with the extended family is at the heart of what is happening now.

With that dynamic it now makes sense why your DW has gone on this holiday.

You have told us what your DW is like with her children and her ex’s extended family. What is she like with you, your DC and your extended family?