My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

especially when the wife’s children don’t seem to consider OP children to be their siblings.

Why would they? They aren't siblings.

Do you think you need help? You sound unwell.

I'm not the pp but what's your objection to the word "let"?

I wouldn't let my DH avoid ever doing any housework, or cheat on me, or go on a week long holiday with an ex. By that I mean if he insisted on carrying on regardless of my wishes, I'd be seriously considering divorce.

I think that's a reasonable stance to hold.

It's definitely gone downhill. I remember when people being performatively classist used to at least try and sound intelligent.

There’s several things here-
firstly it’s unfair to assume everyone has had the same experience as you from being a blended family. It’s understandable your step son may have felt like this isn’t his choice and not what he preferred.
secondly it’s important to remember 18 years old can be self involved and also say things they don’t mean/act out. I wouldnt take it completely to heart.
Also your stepson is trying to balance 3 adults feelings and he shouldn’t have to, it sounds like his dad has pushed for this (for whatever agenda) and he’s followed his dads beliefs that this is a good thing to do. He may be trying to please his dad because he’s not as secure on the relationship as he is in his relationship with you.
Your wife has behaved poorly too, she should have shut it down from the start and said she wasn’t going, it wasn’t appropriate and that you guys would do a separate celebration to the dad. Or do something all of you together like a meal. The fact she didn’t is telling, either she wanted to do it which you need to question why would she want to go away with her ex? Or she felt emotionally guilted into it, does her ex have form for expecting her to do as he wishes?
Either way you and your wife need to have a conversation when she returns about how you both see your relationship and what will happen going forward. You both need to be on the same page.
With regards to your step son I’d let it go and resume your relationship with him as before.

You sound like a good man, I'm sorry this has upset you.

I suspect that blended families are rarely as great for the kids as the parents persuade themselves they are. There's another thread running at the moment about a young woman whose blended family meant that in her teenage years her parents were busy with three very young children and now the mother is surprised that the daughter isn't dropping everything to support her and her half siblings while her step father is dying of cancer.

You've done a great job handling this, I hope when the holiday is over the family can settle to good relationships but I think now you are all aware that it wasn't as perfect as you were praising yourselves that it was, sadly.,

Honestly, I feel like our family is breaking up.

I'm sorry op, that cannot be a nice feeling.

But I suppose it gives you a window into DSS's behaviour, given he was 8 when the same happened to him. At least you have some agency to make choices about how the next bit looks, whom you bring into your life and home and no-one is going to label you spoiled for pushing back on how that looks.

FWIW I don't think you need to doubt your DW: she is doing this for her son not for a shag.

Think of a nasty comment, type and hit post! Thankfully you are an insignificant minority.

FWIW I don't think you need to doubt your DW: she is doing this for her son not for a shag.

I agree. I think the way the OP is behaving is pathetic. His stepson is spending his 18th birthday with the 2 people he loves most. I don't think there's anything unreasonable about this. OP comes across as petty, insecure and self-pitying and his daughter sounds awful.

Honestly, I feel like our family is breaking up

"Our family"? You mean the invented "blended" family you made up?

🎯

Your constant use of ‘biological’ is odd and unnecessary. They are his mum and dad.

You have to accept that his actual parents and siblings are going to always be more important to him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his step-family.

Blended families are never the ideal. Everybody just had to make the most of it, but they can be very difficult for the children involved. You need to support your step son and not make things awkward for him.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his step-family.

It might or it might not. I don't see any reason however why he should care or like the OP or the OP's children. They're people he's stuck with.

An observation as an outsider with no axe to grind. Stepfamily threads seem to be the opportunity for people with step family issues of their own to be vile to the OP not because of the issues on the thread but because of issues in their own lives.
So many comments along the lines of - yeah see how you like it.

I'm quite shocked at OPs wife. There's no way I'd have gone. I would have explained that I'm not part of exes family any more but I hope they all have a lovely time and we can celebrate once they're back. The 18 year old has just learnt they can manipulate to get their way.

One request that his mother spends ten days on a yacht with the man who cheated on her when she was pregnant? Not a big ask at all or is it.

Holiday with his dad great. Family celebration like a nice meal great. Pressuring mum to spend ten days on the yacht not good.

No axe to grind here. I'm neither a step child nor a step parent. I don't see anything unreasonable in the 18 year old wanting to spend this significant birthday with the 2 people he loves most. The OP can wallow in his own pity party.

As for "see how you like it" - well yes, it's good advice for the OP.

I hadn’t actually. And you’re being disingenuous.
Have you ever met an 18 year old or been one? Because the only people that genuinely think an 18 year old is an adult are the moody, still growing up, wildly irrational and slightly mad 18 year olds.
There are only three people in the situation outlined by the OP and none of those are the children.

You think he's spent 18 years wishing for this? I doubt it. I imagine he's spent time wishing for things like an Xbox at Christmas, that he gets picked for the football team, that he's allowed to go to his friends birthday party. I doubt he's had a lifelong wish about his 18th birthday and if he has I bet it wasn't that his dad would magically realise it meant a ten day trip on a yacht with his estranged parents.

No reason he can't have the holiday without his mum but can still have a celebration with whoever he wants.

Are all these kids missing school for this?

Ok so no axe to grind, but when someone is in pain and struggling you’re a tell it brutally, no need to sugar coat, type of person.
I can see both sides, both sides are in pain, many posters have expressed helpful advice in a considerate way and always on MN you get the brutalists, but step family threads always seem way more cruel. You can give advice without cruelty. Actually, mil threads can have the same level of bitterness as well. Not good for anyone.

Yes, I agree. I suppose if one has experience of this they will express their pain or trauma, but on the other side of the debate many know that blended families can work.

Blended, step, biological or any construct of family structure, there is positive, negative and much in between.

A conscious parent should aim to limit the damage their children experience from relationship breakups, family breakdown and all of the adversities of family life and growing up.

Thankfully the majority of us come out of it and go on to live functional, caring and happy lives with our families, whatever from they take.

100% agree

In the OP It says it was DSS request to spend his 18th with his parents and siblings and then after, the ex suggested the week long yacht trip. Which sounds like it was his plan from the start.

But that's not what step-sister was upset about, she was upset that the birthday boy wanted to celebrate with his actual family only. Step-sister wanted him to celebrate with the blended family 1st then go on the trip.

And he didn't want to, he said for once he wanted to celebrate with just his parents and siblings because for 10 years he hasn't been able to.

Which is not an unreasonable request at all. The yacht trip is nuts but what OP and his kids are more upset about is DSS did not want to celebrate with them. That's what they took to mean 'he doesn't think of us as family'. Because somehow, they think DSS seeing his actual family and the family he was forced to blend in to as different is unacceptable.

Taking the OP's feelings and the blended family stuff out of the equation for a moment...

It was really unreasonable that they asked the mum to spend a week stuck on yacht with her ex who didn't treat her well, regardless of the occasion. She should have said so, and politely declined and suggested an alternative.

Not everyone gets exactly what they want just because they're turning 18. Nor should they. He's being very self centred and disrespectful towards his mum and a good parent would gently point that out, not go along with it.

Op is your wife vulnerable in any way ? Unable to make her own descions or perhaps easily manipulated ? If not then she could have said no
Many would .
So perhaps she has forgiven her ex ?

I agree with the people who have said that the exH is being manipulative and is obviously trying to cause problems between you and your wife. It would be interesting to know whose decision it was for them to split up ..if it was your wife's then maybe he is still jealous and this might be his way of getting his own back