My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

She sounds like the type to stick her oar in regardless of whether it’s her business.

Enough to see my stepkids posting Instagram stories with their parents at different places! Yeah, everyone was in the same picture, like a family, and in the last 10 years, I didn't exist in their lives, and my wife doesn't have a husband.

For real, my wife called me once and we talked. My stepkids didn't call or text me. It's never happened before! Honestly, I feel like our family is breaking up.

You wouldn’t “let” your partner do this?

All the OP’s wife had to do was say “No”. She’s a grown woman; it shouldn’t be that difficult.

Imagine being forced to live with people share your space and forced to get on with them just because you have NO say in your own life. That’s exactly what a child in a blended family has to live with. People unrelated to you and you are forced to live with them and forced to think of them as family.
and people think this actually works.

imagine as a grown adult someone tells you, that you have to live with and love a group of strangers just because you have to. Why do people put children through this. Utter selfishness from all the adults involved.

so your DSS has told you that your kids are not his siblings, you are not his father and he has a family - he is right
why are you surprised and hurt.??
you and your wife put them in this situation and they have now let you know exactly what the situation is. Why pretend?

Thanks for new perspective!! Let's see what happens

Your stepson is on holiday with his family. He sees you as his mum’s partner who he’s stuck with. The sooner you realise that the better.

This is exactly how I feel.

I’m triumphant for the little lad who finally got his lifelong wish and is spending his 18th with HIS family.

He didn’t choose you OP, or your kids, it sounds like he’s been really compliant all this years, but not necessarily happy.

This story just highlights how many kids on the surface are muddling along and doing their best to play happy families for the sake of a strange bloke their mothers have plonked in to their lives.

I think your DD is out of order, she can’t tell your SS what he can and can’t do. It’s his birthday, his choice.

I’m guessing there is a touch of jealousy at play here too - the biological Dad clearly has a few quid and your kid’s noses have been put out of joint.

Why would your step-children call you from their holiday? They’re children, away with their Mum and Dad on a yacht. They have everything they need. They’re children, they are being looked after And their needs are being met. They are not emotionally developed enough to think ‘Oooh shall I drop Mike a text to check in so he’s not funny about us being away with Dad?’ It just wouldn’t occur to them.

I have adult children and was separated from their father and in a new relationship when they turned 18. I have 2 adult stepchildren who also turned 18 while I was with their parent. Just for context, so you know you're hearing from someone who's been through this and isn't just imagining what it's like.

If my partner decided to spend a week on a yacht with his ex, regardless of what guilt tripping pressure he was under, I'd be extremely disappointed in him to the point of questioning the relationship.

If either of my kids had made such a request of me (which they wouldn't because they're not selfish, nor are they completely oblivious to the fact their parents don't get along) I would have not agreed under any circumstances.

I completely agree his wife should have said no.

My response was with regards to a teenager, basically an adult, expecting a shared holiday with parents divorced over ten years. Nothing reasonable about that expectation.

Good grief

a) your teen step kids not messaging you whilst away is not something to take offence at
b) you tell us how wonderfully happy the family has always been and yet you have gradually dripped a load of detail which indicates your step kids don’t share your view . At all.

There are two distinct situations going on:

1. DSS is clarifying what ‘stepfather’ means to him and his siblings. It doesn’t mean OP isn’t an important part of their lives - but he is not their father.

OP should perhaps realign his thinking on the step ‘children’ / family dynamic and forge a good relationship more in DSC comfort zone of stepfamily relationships

2. The wife going on a weeks holiday, suggested and arranged by her ExH after 10 years in a new marriage. This is the bit that is off.

She has created an unnecessary situation as she didn’t simply say ‘sorry, no can do - a celebratory meal all together would be lovely though’.

I would not be surprised if she returns and behaves like a bewildered lost sole who doesn’t understand the consequences of the situation she has caused and expects everything the be the same. I also wouldn’t believe the naivety - it would probably irritate me more.

You say you've been married ten years and came into your stepson's life ages 7.... So you didn't get to know him for long before you got married?

It must have been a confusing time for him. His little brother was born and within 3 years, his parents split up and she marries someone else and now he has another 3 'siblings'.

I think it's weird your wife has gone along with this holiday but don't think it's weird your stepson wanted to do it.

I agree with others that the family you think you have built is not the same from the children's perspective.

My ex husband always bitterly resented his stepfather's kids presence. He's go to his mother's house and see some other family in photos everywhere and he hated it. His stepfather was not kind though but his mother was very selfish. The step siblings were older so they never grew up together but I remember 'family' dos where the only people who thought it was a family were ex mil and her husband. None of the then adult children had a relationship with each other. He is dead now and ex MIL married again. ExMIL has no contact with either step child.

Has this 18 year old ever heard the word: No?

The whole plan was divisive, selfish, mean and should have been swiftly shut down by your wife and you. This 18 year old’s birthday whims are being allowed to dictate terms. Nope.

I am so confused by some of the replies you have had here.

You feel sad about this and i understand that, but please don’t let it ruin what sounds like has been a lovely blended family.

He has a biological family and he has a step family. He can love you both at the same time. I come from a very blended family- DM had children before she met my Dad and my Dad had children after my Mum. There are seven siblings in total and three sets of parents . It is complicated but the only way we get through is by letting every individual in the family have their own agency, thoughts and feelings and there has to be no ego. Very very hard in practice.

At 18 he is still figuring things out and I would encourage your DD to not take this too personally . He can love your family and also feel like he needs to spend time with his parents alone, both things can be true at once.

I hope this all settles down and it sounds like there is so many positives and so much love there for all the children. Stay as loving as as steady as you sound you have been and this will pass. I hope you get to celebrate altogether at some point, I’m sure he will miss you all whilst he is away.

I don't know how old you are but if you are actually an adult, you should be ashamed of yourself saying such horrible things about OP's daughter.

I'd be divorcing her, she sounds like a wet blanket and fompl unable to assert herself with her children and ex.

Op I don't see this as a reflection on you at all. I don't know you etc.
I see it as the reality of blended families and the collateral damage for some DC with forced blended families they don't want.

I feel sorry for him that his one bday request has been blown up into a massive issue.

It is very odd to have a family holiday (exes) when they haven’t been together as a family for more than a decade. It’s not as if their children are preschoolers.

I have no doubt that the son thinks it’s all about him and his birthday but really it’s a big power play by the ex - using his children to apply emotional blackmail to your wife to have a fantasy family.

It also sets a huge precedent he will now be able to repeat for the two younger children.

i realise your wife was in a really hard position but the right thing to have done would be to decline the trip. What does she say about her son’s comments?

I don't have any solutions but lots of sympathy. A really difficult situation and you just have to ask yourself who's the adult here and behave accordingly. If you love all the children equally, you just have to accept that slap in the face and forgive it.

You are clearly hurt and possibly jealous that your wife is holidaying with her rich ex and that is completely understandable.

Try not to resent her kids and blame them for how you are feeling. They are kids and they shouldn't be expected to consider your/ her relationship dynamics and jealousies. It's understandable your own kids want to jump to your defence when they see you hurt or sidelined but for the sake of step sibling peace, encourage them not to get involved in further arguments about this.

They will always see you as stepdad because they have a dad in their lives. No matter how you've tried to be a parent figure you aren't their dad and it's understandable they want to 'chose' their parents & siblings over you and your kids for this milestone occasion. Even if he's a bit of a Disney dad in your eyes, they are still trying to win his approval, the wound of feeling 'rejected' when a parent cheats/ leaves isn't just felt by the spouse.

I can see why your wife was put in a tight spot here, asked by her son to chose between putting him first over you but can also see why you feel very uncomfortable with her spending time with her ex in this situation.

It was actually his father's request if you RTFT!