My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Wasn’t the last thread deleted by MN for breaking rules of some kind?

I wondered on the first post if the dad had driven the idea of it just being ‘his’ family. Seems he has got in his kids heads.

think even though you are hurt you have to take the higher ground. When they all get back, I think its time to try and mend fences with the siblings. I say siblings cos thats what they are, blood doesn’t always matter.

I would also have a chat with the 18yr old and tell him how much he means to you, maybe plan a little trip the pair of you, day out to the pub or something.

don’t let the biological dad ruin your family when that is clearly his intent

The way DD reacted suggests she is also hurt by this sudden rejection!

I wouldn’t try and force anything between the respective sets of children, especially when the wife’s children don’t seem to consider OP children to be their siblings. Trying to engineer closeness may land extremely poorly.

Blood doesn’t always matter, but it does matter here.

I don't always get the point of "the kids didn't choose to live with these people", well no, kids don't choose to live with anyone. Plenty of people don't get on with their siblings or parents but had no choice but to live with them, that's what happens when you're a child.

At 18 he shouldn't have put his Mum in this position (neither should the ex husband) and your wife should have stood her ground and not gone. Totally inappropriate and if my husband did this I'd be seriously questioning our marriage.

My ex and I parted on extremely bad terms, as he was a serial cheater. Since the separation we have lived on separate continents. For big landmarks in our children's lives he has regularly come and stayed with us in my house for three or four weeks at a time, and I make damn sure it is pleasant for everyone. .

I have walked the walk, I don't just talk the talk.

I think what you’re feeling is understandable but as a step-mum I don’t expect my DSC to think of me as family like they do their parents, I just hope they know I love and care about them and that they feel I was (broadly) a positive presence in their life.

that being said hell would freeze over before I let any partner of mine go on a week long holiday with their ex (especially one they were married to). I would never let a child/young adult dictate what holiday either I or my partner went on either and think it’s clear the 18 year old (and perhaps his father) want to pretend they’re all back together again like in the old days. I just hope there is no ‘
parent-trap style plan to reunite his divorced parents.

Yes, it sounds like the birthday boy is already quite accustomed to not getting what he wants. He's made the best of a bad job because he had no option. Now he wants one week with his bio mum and dad and no steps around, and he's "entitled", "out of line", "inappropriate". After ten years I am pretty sure he understands his mum and dad aren't getting back together. He just wants a week with his family. I'm amazed how people can't understand why this is a reasonable request.

I suspect the soon-to-be 18yo has been waiting to become an adult so he could speak up and make his own decision about how he spends his birthday. He has been cornered by his step-sister, when challenged, into admitting he doesn’t really see his step-siblings as true family. He didn’t form that opinion overnight.

I don’t have experience of blended families but it wouldn’t surprise me that there might be an element of ‘unblending’ and natural drift apart as children reach the age of majority.

lol if gender here was switched you lot would be saying leave the bastard for going on the trip with ex.

this place is a pointless chavvy cesspit these days.

This. Who allows their children to make this kind of decision for the whole family? I read the original thread and remember thinking why doesn’t the wife just shut it down. Let her son go but tell him she’s not spending a week on a yacht with her ex.

There’s an interesting line in the op’s post.

She (the wife) suggested exactly that (being there for the birthday only) to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted.

The kids “rejected” it. Weird power dynamic in my opinion.

He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family.

OP I think you are behaving in an extremely childish and petulant way. You aren't his father and your children aren't his siblings. Deal with it. You can't force him to play happy blended families. Your post is all "me, me, me, poor me"

1. UNBU - you invested a lot into this relationship.

1. Do not walk away from your wife as some idiots suggested. Even though your wife had to draw the line and set boundaries here, she didn't, and if anything like this happens again hopefully she learnt a lesson to take your feelings equal to her children's and learn to balance there. Balance come with sacrifices but works out well for the future.

1. Blended families come with a lot of challenges and you behaved very honourably and that's all you can do, essentially. You'll look back in the future and your heart will be at peace that at every opportunity you did your best - that'll be such a relief later on in life.

Well done for being a good father!

Children tend to use such instances in family court as being neglected or their needs not being met. It's extremely difficult to be a step parent.

It is not reasonable or remotely normal to expect long divorced parents to holiday together.

The desire is not unreasonable.
As I said, childhood hope.
It should not have been facilitated, though.

Sure, but then the parents don’t get a choice in how their children respond to this when parental control is no longer absolute. A child cannot be forced to like a blended family, or to consider stepparents and/or step siblings to be family, no matter how much the parent may want them to.

Fgs don't post just to ask about gift ideas., 🙄

Of course they would. The comments on this thread are rank with hypocrisy.

It could be prioritizing her son in ‘a real way’. Whether it is or isn’t imo depends entirely upon the individuals involved and their relationships with one another. Context matters. We don’t know these people, so we can’t say what is or isn’t right for them.

Sometimes there’s no compromise to be had, and no outcome that will make everyone happy. Sometimes you have to choose make a decision based on who you would like to hurt the least, and what you would most be prepared to lose.

He did not say that. And I did not say step-sister shouldn't be hurt.

It's important we don't make up things said that aren't there.

The quote:

"When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family.",

Nowhere did he say they weren't family, Step-sister was TELLING him , not asking or suggesting, telling him ,that for his own 18th birthday, he has to engage with the blended family celebration OP and she want him to have and his Dad can come and then after the can go off with his Dad. Where does she get off telling him how he should want to spend his own birthday?

So of course DSS got angry after 10 years of according to OP, celebrating every one of his major events as a 'family' with the step-family said FOR ONCE , he didn't want to celebrate with everyone and wants to just celebrate with his actual family. He also said he never asked for this blended family and wasn't sure of his place in this blended family which makes sense as one of 6 who have clearly not had his wants or needs ever paid attention to while his Mum and step-Dad force all their DC to spend every major event together whether they like or not. Doesn't sound like they were ever asked what they wanted.

Which should have been fine but since OP and step-sis have gotten used to this big happy blended family facade where no-ones allowed to celebrate unless it's all together have taken that as rejection and got the hump.

I don't think the yacht holiday is appropriate but I'm not losing sight of what DSS actually said and how he's obviously actually felt for years.

She was being manipulated by one selfish manipulative man, and the op is the victim here. His dd is just as much a child as the ss and entitled to her emotions. The dss is 18 and discovering that adult decisions do have adult consequences and you can’t just gloss over that. The op and his kids feelings are hurt, there should be less free giving of rides and support, since apparently he didn’t feel included no matter how much time and energy the op invested into him. I’d suggest to his mum not to make you the bad guy but to suggest every time he asks for a lift etc that would be the op usually doing it to say ‘you have your own phone, have you called your dad and asked him?’ And he can start to see in real life which parents are there for him. 6 kids is a LOT and the op would have more time for his own 3 if he weren’t splitting himself in 6 the way it sounds like.

Exactly. A wife who loves and respects her husband would have said from the start that a weeks long intimate holiday with the ex is asking too much and not appropriate. An 18th birthday does not have enough clout to dictate how a whole week is spent. A joint meal, maybe, but not a week on a yacht.

I bet if the ex husband had a partner he would not be coming up with this plan. He has took the opportunity to make a major power play and put OP in his place. I wouldn't blame the stepson for anything he has said. The ex has probably been feeding these thoughts for a while in the lead up to this. Also wouldn't blame the ex as he has no stake in this marriage. It is the wife. I bet she wouldn't just accept it if OP went on holiday with his ex.

They are treating you like a doormat OP. After this, they won't be able to do a lesser even for the other DC, it will be the next 2 18th, then the 21sts will come around.

I'd be gone. She made her choice to shit on you and this marriage. Showed you your place. Understand that is easy to say as an outsider though. Your home won't be a happy place for any of you after this.

It always astounds me how many selfish people choose to have DC then treat them like baggage they just carry around with them that just have to fit in

All the 'suck it up it's life, what are divorced parents supposed to do, stay single? You don't get to choose your parents so whys it a problem to have to live with step-family?'

That's what you're supposed to do when you have children, put them first when they're children. Not force them into pretending to be a family with another parent and more siblings that they haven't asked for, maybe don't want and maybe don't like.

All the posters taking umbrage at the idea that yes, maybe stay single till the kids aren't being forced to live with new people. Maybe don't force your DC to pretend that this is their new family now and insist they can't choose their own celebrations or spend time alone with their actual family.

Maybe don't expect them to treat or see their step-family as the same as their actual family.

Maybe don't expect them to be grateful for all this shit and trauma in their lives and then strop when you realise it hasn't quite gone your way. 'Well if he doesn't believe you're his actual family after all you've done for him, he can fuck off, make him live with his Dad, write him out of the will'.

All this self-pitying 'step-parents just can't win'. Whatever made you think you should? The kids can't win so why should you?

People are getting so riled up because there are a lot of stepchildren who hated it or at least didn't see the new arrangement as their actual family and a lot of step-parents who are defensive hearing that the liklihood is that their blended family isn't that awesome for their children.

But ultimately they don't care because as they've made clear, the minute the stepchildren step out of line they'll drop the pretence and drop the step-kid like a hot brick.

And step-kids know that. That's why it usually doesn't work.

I'm glad my step-Mum is dead, she ruined my childhood insisting we had to do everything 'as a family' so her kids didn't feel different or that my Dad loved his own DC more. Of course he did! And should!

Then her kids who hadn't been happy with the forced situation either, moved to Australia to be with their Dad the minute they turned 18 and discovered he wasn't the cheating, abusive asshole he'd been painted to be and limited contact with her to sending her pics of their weddings and their children. Then eventually cut her off completely since she never let them forget how they'd 'chosen' their Dad over the blended family after all she'd done for them yada yada.

And I'm and glad that me and my brother will inherit everything since she cut her DC out of the will. And when my Dad sadly passes away the house clearance people can take away all the blended family photo albums because none of the kids want them.

I want pictures of my Dad and my brother and I. That's my family.

Yanbu for how you feel OP it's incredibly hurtful especially when you value them as family and so do your children but they don't feel the same about you and I'd not be happy if my husband went on a week long trip with his ex, I think that the compromise is what should have happened despite the protest from the children. I would seriously consider if you are alright with this repeating another couple of times with your younger SD and SS and if you are going to be happy being excluded from other major events in their lives. These exclusions are rarely just a one off.

I hope you enjoy the time away with your children.