My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Surprised by a lot of the responses here.

Sure its crap for kids when parents separate but DSS is an adult now and he needs to understand that his parents are no longer a happy couple, his mum has been married to someone else for 10 years and it's inappropriate for them to all cos play being a happy family for a week just because he wants it. Its not real, and will probably be really awkward and weird unless the wife is actually shagging her ex.

If DSS had gone on holiday with his dad and siblings that would be fine and totally understandable. But kids don't get to call the shots about their parents relationships.

Who goes away for a holiday with their ex, without their current spouse? That's just fucking weird, however much the grown up kids want it.

Shack up?
FFS. 🤦‍♀️

I think multiple things can be true.

Even though things said in arguments are deeply hurtful, they may not be true or the full truth.

A week long yacht trip with separated parents seems excessive. It sounds good in theory to have the nuclear family together. It likely won't be idyllic in reality.

I can understand a deep yearning to have a Disney version of family. It doesn't mean you aren't loved.

My DC are similar age. They are kind and mature but have no real appreciation of what it costs, emotionally and financially to keep them alive and the household running. I don't expect they will understand until they are out of the house, supporting themselves.

My advice is to let them get on with it. Thsi too shall pass.

That is really hard. I'm not sure what you can do, but so empathise with you might be feeling and what a slap in the face it must have felt to hear those words from your SS.

I don't know if you changed any details so as not to be identifying, but if not, I might consider getting this thread delated as this is a massive forum and posts can end up in the media which is the absolute least thing you need to happen right now.

I hope things calm down, it's a shame he feels this way after all this time. Hopefully it's a phase and he may look back one day and feel differently- or see things from other's perspectives.

Yiur wife must feel extremely conflicted also.

Look after yourself and have a good trip with tge other kids.

At last. A voice of reason.

Unfortunately it takes a milestone to bring a DSC’s true feelings to the surface. When it comes to a major event in their lives, they are often no longer willing to repress their true feelings;

A wedding where they don’t want the step parent there, or part of the family

When a GC arrives and they don’t want them involved or referred to as a grandparent

A milestone birthday, graduation or other special event.

I think the step child says “no, this is about ME for a change. I’ve gone along with what you wanted, now it’s my turn”.

There are so many threads on here about the above. Not sure what the solution is. I always tell my friends who are to become step parents to let their Dh have a lot of alone time with their child to avoid breeding resentment.

I'm afraid that if your wife wanted to remain married to you she wouldn't have gone on holiday with her ex, and if her ex didn't want her back he wouldn't have invited her.

At least now your children are old enough not to be obliged to play happy families with your next partner.

This isn't a DSS issue. This is a DW issue. He had every right to ask and to how he feels about his family relationships.

She absolutely should have displayed appropriate boundaries. "Your dad and I are divorced and remarried. It is not appropriate for us to go on holiday together without our spouses. We are your parents, but we are not a couple." It's really not healthy for the kids to get ideas about their parents getting back together tbh.

She shouldn't have lied. She shouldn't have raised this as questions to her kids to get their approval. You are the parents. You are the husband and wife. You agree this together and you inform the kids.

If she doesn't respect your relationship and your family why would the kids?

This would be the end of the relationship for me. Your wife is on a yacht for a week with her ex husband, knowing full well you feel uncomfortable about it.

Someone upthread described it as the parents ‘wanting a shag’. Lovely way to describe a ten year old marriage. I despair of MN sometimes.

Absolutely this.

83% on the poll are in support of OP. There's been lots reasonable advice to OP.

Oooosh! No way could I spend a week in such close quarters with my ex, and I'm pretty sure he would feel the same about a trip with me. These days we are on good terms...but despite that...no!

An evening celebration together, yes...but a week, no!

The ex has orchestrated this, if your wife said no it risks damaging the relationship with her son. But, for me, I just wouldn't have gone and tried to explain bio dad over stepped the mark by suggesting this without speaking to her first. This is manipulative from her ex.

My DSS is a bit of a closed book and I already know he does not regard me as family. We get on, I love him, I would do anything for him, but I know I'm not 'mum' or 'dad'. So I would fully expect this sort of request from him, but not a weeks trip!

Well, it seems the OP has done what all stepparents on this site are repeatedly told that they must do - treat their stepchildren as if they were their own.

And yet, he is still wrong.

Stepparents truly cannot win, no matter what they do.

OP - you say the atmosphere has been tense in the home since this happened. Like you have been told repeatedly, your stepson is entitled to his feelings, but so too are your children. If they don’t want to speak to your stepson, then respect that. I wouldn’t be trying to mediate anything between them.

I can see your daughter is 19. What did she get to do for her 18th birthday? I would be arranging a holiday for you and your children to have a belated celebration. And you should also do the same for your son, who I can see is due to turn 17.

You’ve been told where you stand, so you should act accordingly, by prioritising your own children and not treating your stepchildren like they are your own.

Please also make sure that your Will is in order and that only your children will inherit. I’ve seen so many horror stories on Mumsnet about stepchildren receiving absolutely nothing after their father’s death. Spare your children from that.

Children rarely understand the complexity and nuances of adult relationships.

I do think most kids would want happy and apart parents over unhappy and together parents.

The trip thing should have been quashed immediately, 18th birthday or not that's just weird, the ex should have supported that. The 18 year old probably thinks it's a chance for them to make up, life lesson kid, get with the program.

Your wife should not have agreed to this. The ex is trying to get her back

When you find yourself “despairing”about a online chat forum, maybe time to consider whether it’s healthy for you to continue subjecting yourself to it!

It's likely childhood hope of parents getting back together that has never properly been addressed and coddling to protect the children and ease guilt. Where does one stop? It seems the mum doesn't have boundaries and her kids know it.

I totally 100% 👍🏻 agree with this sensible answer.
When parents split up no one asks how the children are feeling, they have to go along and accept the situation they are in.
They have no control over the situation they are in.
However on this one occasion your DSS wants to celebrate his 18th the way he
wants, just to possibly feel some control in his life.
It's not like his biological father took a partner with him, so I think you are over reacting and making a big fuss about this.

Please, try to understand and show some empathy on this occasion and not spoil your DSS special 18th birthday.
For years he's had to accept the separation and divorce of his parents and now the children want to have this special occasion together, so you are just making this out about yourself and how you feel.
You and your children can have some special days together and as the adult you should be explaining to your daughter that it was her step brothers special occasion and be happy for him, instead of encouraging her to make this about all of you feeling left out.

Your wife hasn't caused this, she is putting the feelings of her children above hers. It's the children who have encouraged her to go on this yacht trip. She doesn't want her children to be falling out with her.

I would encourage you to be mature in this situation and put your hurt feelings to one side and show some respect for the feelings of your DSS. Be happy for him. I think when it comes to your children some compromises have to be made.

It’s a turn of phrase - if you want to take it literally that’s on you.

What in anything that OP has posted brings you to this conclusion.

Let’s look at it from your take -

• OP is just upset that his DWs ex didn’t invite him and his 3 children on the yacht holiday and not that his wife has gone on this holiday with her ex? Twisted!
• At 18 DSS has found his voice after being forced into this blended family. “Good for him”. He may have issues with the breakup of his parents but the blended family is not to blame for that. He needs to take his new found voice to his biological parents, there lies the problem.

His biological DF is causing his DS harm, if anyone is, not OP.

And many on here, naively believe this is all about an 18th birthday celebration.

"And many on here, naively believe this is all about an 18th birthday celebration."

Yep.

So it doesn’t make you despair? Phew!

DW should have shut this down when it was first mooted. There is nothing wrong with explaining to an 18 year old that you are married to another man and that going on holiday with your ex is totally inappropriate. DS didn’t come up with this suggestion - it was his dad’s. The dad who cheated multiple times on DW, who tried to get her back after she divorced him, and who is still single. Not hard to see where he’s coming from is it ? In what world is it acceptable to go on holiday with your ex husband ten years after you married someone else. The problem here is that for some reason the parents don’t want to set boundaries for their kids. You can’t play happy families ten years after the fact - it will damage relationships.

Your stepson is entitled to his feelings but it's totally inappropriate for a married woman to go on a yacht trip without her husband, for a week, with another man. She should have said no. Sounds like he's trying to buy her back. Why did you wave her off with a smile, are you nuts?

Your wife is at fault here. There’s a big difference between celebrating your son’s 18th birthday with his biological family and fucking off on a yacht for a week! One night would have been very sufficient IMO.

Sorry.