My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

You have made my thoughts so much more eloquent, thank you xx

it doesn't seem like you are trying to contribute. It seems like you want to pick fights with other posters...

“Our child”??!

The child has a mother and a father, and the father is alive and around and paying hospital bills (despite sounding otherwise like a complete shit).

This child is not your child. This child is your step-child - which you know because of the issues this fact is causing you.

I think you need to talk to your wife.

I think the whole "biological family trip" for his 18th was nuts.

I think that it was his dads idea crackers.

And i appreciate your wife was in a hard spot but I wouldnt have indulged this. Because besides everything else I dont think its helpful to the kids. They havent been a "nuclear family" in a long, long time. And feeding into the fantasy for me is wrong. I think your DW shouldn't have asked but have told them she isnt romantically involved with their dad anymore, id have compromised with an activity that his father was included in or gone for the birthday and left.

That said i think she felt very torn and didnt do this to hurt you, but it has. And if you let resentment build all you will do is play into their dads hands.

Tbh id be considering some kinda family counselling - and remember he doesnt speak for his siblings

You’ve got a wife problem
I’m do sorry.

Or just a teen who hasn’t been happy for a long time

and it looks like the OP’s very own daughter doesn’t seem particularly happy either

nor does the wife seem happy

and yet the op is adamant that this has been a wonderful happy family for a decade.

My view is this OP presents himself as a Florence nightingale figure and everyone else is cruella de ville type characters

when the details be suggest this isn’t quite the case

More made up nonsense. You're all over this thread telling stories and nit picking with other posters.

All I’m saying is that the op seems to think everything has been hunky dory

but clearly his step son wouldn’t agree

This aswell. Please show priorty to your own children. As you have learnt your wife will obviously put her own children first.

This is a very unfortunate situation, I was obviously trying to calm the OP feelings.
The DW had very good reasons to say she does not want to be in the company of her ex who cheated on her which resulted in their divorce.

Come on, is every member of your family happy? Families are complex, young people are going through so much. What wrong has OP done by portraying/thinking/believing that his blended family are happy.

Is this sad situation therefore inevitable because OP is trying to uphold a functional and happy blended family. Maybe it is. Or maybe this isn’t fundamentally about OP and it is about a young person who would rather his parents had stayed together, but they didn’t.

From your POV, does OP has some kind of personality disorder in that he posts on MN as
a Florence Nightingale character when he is really an evil stepfather.

Now you respond with, “I didn’t say that”.

If SS was so unhappy why didn't he move back in with his bio dad?

Agree that the ex sounds manipulative and the kids have fallen for it.

I very much doubt anyone would be happy to wave their spouse off on intimate family holiday with the ex that still wants them!

I do hope DW made it clear to the kids that what they were asking of her was a lot and could come at a high price for the family.

At the end of the day, DW has made it clear she will prioritise her ex and her kids over you and yours so if I were you I wouldn't be bending over backwards to please them going forward.

If her kids need anything, let them go begging for daddy's money. Unless they need actual time and attention and then they might just find themselves going without.

As someone with a stepdad, I’m sorry but you can’t interfere like this.
Your stepson likely does have a fantasy about them being a happy family again but you need to trust your wife, suggesting she leave early is selfish of you and makes out that you don’t trust her. you need to respect that it’s his birthday and she is going to put her children before you.

Because then his mum will have to step up with more than words. I feel so sorry for OPs kids, what a kick in the teeth eh x

@Derkkk , my heart breaks for you. This is the kind of thing, that were it possible, would breaks my stepfather's heart.
Your wife's behaviour is also questionable.

I understand why it’s what your DSS wanted. I don’t understand why your wife agreed.

Ah, OP didn’t you know in mumsnet land as a step parent you are not allowed to have any feelings, emotions, wants or needs of your own? You forfeited the right to those the minute you got involved with someone with kids. you have to be a doormat as a step parent according to mumsnet and simply put up and shut up with all manner of shit, and do it with a smile on your face at that

Sack it all off I say, and go out and have some FUN!
@Derkkk

"At the end of the day, DW has made it clear she will prioritise her ex and her kids over you and yours so if I were you I wouldn't be bending over backwards to please them going forward"

I think you are right, but I'm not sure about how OP and his DW go forward.

His dad can oonly offer cash, stepdad and his kids are surplus to requirements. So glad his DD told the entitled almost man that its not on. This has set such a pickle .j

I agree, his kids need to be as much part of the conversation now. If I was his ex, I would be livid of the DW behaviour.

This is fictional ragebait

I think the main point has been missed by many... The DSS has been influenced by his DF (the AH) who didn't want you and your kids at his DS 18th. He pursauded yoyr DSS to agree with him then orchestrated everything. You, the other step children and yoyr DW are cannon fodder. The step children will all realise just how crappy this is when they are adults in about 10years or so.

Your DD was right to call it out.

I don't know how this will now play out and neither do you, so please stop playing out scenarios. C'est la vie - What will be will be - do your best not to force anything. Talk it through with your DW. I suspect their trip won't be plain sailing tbh....

I hope you and your SC have a lovely time away from it all.

I dunno, personally it rings true apart from the stepdaughter and kids being protagonists.

The stepsister is the only adult. She read it correctly.