My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

18th (and 21st) birthdays are over the top and the whole thing sounds really tasteless. It doesn’t pay respect to the actual work that goes into relationships. Let them be together a week and remember why they don’t work.

Then talk to your wife about it. Your feelings are valid and so are your DSS’.

Have a lovely time with your children on the week off.

I never take at face value when the op is presenting themselves as pure as the driven snow and EVERYONE else is the arch villain

Nope she is on a yacht with her ex and their shared children.

I wonder how much contact op is having with his wife while she is away.

Your wife is BU by going on the trip. Why didn’t the 3 DC just go with their dad on holiday for the week?

YABU in thinking that everything was hunky dory with your DSS and possibly other DSC.

I’ve been a step child, there are 3 of us siblings, and we had my SM’s 3 DC inflicted on us. We had nowhere to go as our mum was dead, and we spent years anxious and treading on eggshells not to upset anyone and rock the boat. I was genuinely scared to be homeless if I upset my dad and SM. We “sucked it up”. They thought everything was fine.

The thing is, the dynamics change. As soon as I reached 18 and left home to go to Uni (as far away as possible) I no longer needed looking after, or my dad to pay for me, so I stopped “sucking it up”.

Your DSS is now an adult. He’s probably off to Uni, and his dad will pay for it all. Expect more pushback from the boy who doesn’t want to play happy families as he needs less and less support from you and your wife.

I really want yoi to be correct, but my spidey senses are saying not so fast.

You might be the reliable dad/ parent and hence the one who the shit gets foisted onto. You may feel used (understandably). Can you have some boundaries where you aren’t there sometimes (like a scheduled hobby or trip with friends/ family/ alone) where you can’t be called on unless in a real emergency?

I am a soft-hearted person and am recently learning to do this. My family is being more respectful of me now they gat the sense I am not always at their beck and call.

This isn’t about you. And you aren’t his ‘actual’ family. Never were and never will be. You just have to accept that. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in his life, you will never alter the fact that his bond with his own father will be far stronger than the one he has with you. He probably loves you as a step father, and is grateful that you’ve made his mum happy, but he didn’t pick you. His mum did. You say yourself that you've had a happy life all living together for all these years, and that’s commendable as blended families don’t often run as smoothly. Your view and expectation of this family unit is different to his, and you’ve suddenly had your eyes open to the reality. He’s explained that just this once he’d like to spend the milestone with his mother and father, and however much this upsets you, try and understand where he’s coming from. It’s a shame that his celebration has already been tainted by you and your dd who are making this all about you by spending the last few days trying to ground them down. I speak also as a stepchild, and I understand totally your dss’s sentiment on this.

I would advise you to make sure your biological kids inherit from you when you die. Don't leave your half of everything to your wife and expect her to do the decent thing and leave it to all the kids equally - she won't. She isn't bothered about your kids feelings (or yours). Protect their inheritance and pass it on straight away on your death.

She could easily have told her son that she isn't going to divide her family, so he can holiday with his dad, but then your family come as a package. That's the commitment she made when she blended her family. She could holiday just her with her son if that's what he wanted but with her ex and excluding her own family is ridiculous. If your kids were her kids I don't believe she would leave them out.

I had to vote YABU….I think all parents who split up and then shack up with someone else and expect their children to like it are very unreasonable.

His wife on the other hand knows exactly how ridiculous the situation is, she’s behaved appallingly and prioritised her ex’s wishes over her husband’s and that has consequences.

Of course, but the poster I was responding about ISN’T a dependent child is she, if she’s graduated, got married and had children. 🤦🏻‍♀️

For the love of God, is there really any need for the faux naivety? I was responding to one comment, not the situation overall.

If you are an adult and you hate your step-parent merely by virtue of the fact that they’re not your biological parent, then maybe you should get some therapy to deal with your jealousy because your parents are entitled to have a partner.

Your spidey senses is telling you to 100% believe an OP who presents himself as pure as the driven snow, everyone else is villainous and his blended family as having been Brady bunch like.

My spidey senses tell me not to take it at face value

Your wife should of set a clear boundary here, I can fully understand why you would be unhappy about this.
a day or two max to celebrate as it is a milestone birthday, but a week on a yacht with her ex husband absolutely not, unacceptable

Are you seriously saying the OP, who has stepped back and never even tried to stop his wife going on holiday with her ex is the problem? He even dropped them all off at the airport. You're determined that OP is the villain aren't you? The facts don't matter to you.

I think you need to pause and reread my post 😆

You made a dumb analogy, it's ok.

Well I think it’ll be interesting when they get back either your wife will have renewed hatred of the ex and it will have been a disaster or they’ll have had an affair. Only 2 options

I don’t think it was in that context, but as you are so charmingly polite I will bow to your opinion.

And for the record, not all DCs live with their step-parents.

To me it sounds like she feels guilty for divorcing the arsehole and will struggle for a week with him since he cheated on her several times while she carried his baby etc. She sounds weak but the ex sounds like a dick.

No really @MrsPapillon , it was an incredibly dumb analogy

You wanted your wifes ex husband to invite you and your children on a holiday he had booked for his son, this lad is now 18 and an adult and no he didnt ask to be raised in a blended family, hes an adult and hes found his voice good for him

I’m so so sorry as a blended family ourselves this would have hurt me and my husband so much . Your children and you have the right to feel upset and I think you all need to know that . Your stepson s feelings are his feelings but yours and your kids are very valid too .
Im going to be honest if I was in your wife’s position I wouldn’t have gone . At 18 your stepson is becoming an adult and knows actions have consequences, this would not be a punishment or anything even remotely like that but he needs to understand his decision hurt the family , you , his step siblings and his own mum . So I can see why you feel so hurt by your wife too .

I'm staggered anyone thinks this is ok. It's deceitful on the wife's part, manipulative on the exes part and step son at 18 is hit a child his mum should have said no. Your daughter comes out of this with more emotional intelligence than your wife and Is probably have packed and left by the time they got home

Where does the op say that ? They had plans , he wanted his SS to celebrate with them too and his wife actually going on holiday with a ex is not ok , no matter what the reason is

This.