My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Then go live with the other parent or move out when you turn 18. I don't see any indication the children have been treated poorly.

It’s nearly two weeks. It’s on a private yacht and there are no partners present. The ex is still single and OP says he made it plain he wanted DW back even after they were divorced. And this wasn’t DS’s own suggestion. It came from his father. Doesn’t take a genius to work out why.

Tbh I would be worried about the other step children turning 18 now then 21 then 30 with the ss setting the bar now for biological family only holidays, is this what you have to look forward to in the future? I wouldn’t be happy with this set up either, a meal out together with his biological family fine, but a week long yacht trip takes the piss

Well isn’t that a surprise. We have seen no evidence from the Op that his step son was not happy.

Other than of course the fact he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday anywhere even near his step family!!

It was in direct response to this comment below. I was merely pointing out that there are other relatives that you don’t choose who you are forced to tolerate without kicking up a stink so why should step-parents be seen as interlopers when in-laws aren’t?

I hated having them at my graduation, at birthday meals, at Christmases, at my wedding and in the hospital when my child was born. I was and am hugely resentful that these strangers - none of whom I massively dislike, but equally not people I particularly like personality-wise either - have to be such a big part of my life.

Is your wife's ex H manipulative? I can't believe some here are saying to leave your wife. Not only is that OTT bur perhaps that's actually what ex H is aiming for. He might not want her back, he might just resent her having a happy blended family. He's certainly thrown a couple of very clunky spanners in the works to mess that up with this grand yacht trip!

And perhaps he gets in his son's ear in other ways. My dearest friend had to deal with all manner of games, due to the influence of his partner's ex H on the sons during the weekends they spent in their father's home. Ex H was absolutely determined to create problems and he managed it, by sewing all manner of seeds to negatively influence the attitude of his four sons towards my friend. Those boys did some truly terrible things.

Of course the son wants to go on a swanky yacht trip - a master card got played there by papi dearest! Meanwhile your wife is caught in the middle, damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. She has put up a good fight not to go but has been manipulated into it herself. Perhaps she didn't even know it was ex H's idea from the outset and found out later. I get the vibe ex H is very conniving.

Sidenote: many people are going on about SS living with family he didn't choose but we all experience that as kids. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to live with my siblings growing up. I didn't get on with them or even like them until long after we'd all left home. None of us get to choose any of our family until we marry and even then, not really. Sure you can choose to have kids but you don't know who is going to show up. You don't get to choose their personalities and if they are in sharp contrast to our own, that can really grate.

Unfortunately there are many hurts and disappointments in life and the biggest ones do generally come from those we love, specifically because we love them, hence it hurts more. It's important at such times to look at the root, the goal. No one in your blended family has set out to hurt anyone else. It's an unfortunate by-product of a situation created directly by ex H. Please don't make any rash decisions while you are in this state of hurting.

Even if thats true, don't you trust your wife?!?

If she wanted to sleep with the bloody man she can do it at any time and not wait for a yacht.

why should step-parents be seen as interlopers when in-laws aren’t?

I mean… what to start!!

Until his dad got involved and started pissing in his ear about his mum coming on the trip without OP.

Oh God. That's even worse. Well, OP's wife should not have allowed herself to be manipulated that way. NO WAY would I be spending a week on a small boat with a man who had cheated on me. I'd say yes to a dinner, and that's it. DS would survive. His feelings aren't the only ones that matter, and a dinner with his bio family would have been more than enough.

Again. All this is according to the step dad.

The step dad who earns much less than his wife’s ex.

The step dad who’s step son wants bugger all to do with him on his birthday.

The evidence is suggesting that maybe,
just maybe, the OP’s version of this happy family isn’t share by his step son, his wife
Or indeed his own DD!

Your parents (and then by extension their partners) are a huge part of your life when you're a dependent child living at home.

Your sisters husband, who you've never had to live with, never had to walk past in a towel after a shower, never had to tell your sister (and by extension him) about embarrassing medical problems (as you would with your mom), is an entirely different thing. He plays a very tiny part of your life.

It doesn’t detract from the fact that the suggestion came from the ex, not DS. Alone on a yacht with no partners present, who knows what could happen and OP has no choice but to accept DW’s word that nothing did. Like it or not, it changes the dynamic and now there will always be that niggling doubt in OP’s mind. Ex knows that.

Thank you. This!!

I would actually feel very uncomfortable being at sea in a small vessel with a man who is scheming to get me back after ten years and hasn't moved on in that time. Jealous men have killed women in situations like that. Perhaps my imagination is too vivid, but the thought would cross my mind that I could end up swimming with the fishes. It just sounds like it has the potential to become an emotionally volatile situation, and I'd be completely stuck. No fucking thanks.

Living with your siblings is completely different to your parents bf/gfs random kids! I'm guessing you have no experience of this to equate the two

Aha! Yes, I suspected as much! And I'd only read the first page or so when I responded. Ex H is a manipulative cad and he's playing everyone. Vile.

ETA: OP please do not give ex H what he wants. In your position I'd try to put this mess behind you (as a whole family - no one carrying it forward) and plan a nice celebration for SS when they get home. Don't allow anything else to feed into this toxic dynamic ex H has created (and I now have no doubt he's been speaking weasel words in SS ear too). Put the hurt behind you. Rebuild better and stronger! Never give your enemy what they want.

Do you have to live with your brother in law? Did you not get to choose your spouse (and so make the decision to put up with his family)?

There’s a huge difference between that and being a child and being told that something absolutely huge is happening to your family and to your life. First a divorce which few children want (even if they see the awfulness of their parents marriage they can rarely see that divorce is the solution, they still believe in Santa and such and so absolutely think there’s a magic wand that will make everything better); and then they are introduced to new ‘parents’ and maybe new ‘siblings’ who are similar ages to them and they have to mix and be ‘happy’ about it; and then often other siblings come along who are biologically connected to the new parent and the old, and that feels like the parents have finally got what they really want and where the hell does that leave them?!? And, possibly, this is happening to both their parents and in both their homes, and they are left somewhere in the middle not wholly belonging in either new family and certainly not feeling wanted (not true, but this is their take).

Divorce is always hardest on the children as is the creation of new families.

I don’t at all believe that that should mean parents must never move on. And I have wonderful step parents. But to pretend they are all roses and love is mad. The way they work is to understand that the children are damaged by what has happened and beed to be listened to and talked to and understood throughout.

The description the OP gives and one I recognise in my own life and in others, is that the parents in their desperation to make it work create a narrative that everyone is happy and everything is wonderful. That the OP is shocked by what his step child said (after 10 years living together) suggests that the OP had never taken his head out of the sand before to realise how the children were really feeling.

No. It was according to DW. OP says she admitted it was her ex’s idea all along. If you’re going to doubt what an OP says, what’s the point in the forum in the first place ? And if what OP says is in fact the truth, DS didn’t want bugger all to do with him on his birthday until his dad put the thought there.

The DW isn’t on the thread

So from age 8 ...

You sound like a nice Stepdad,husband.Don't let them abuse of your kindness.Meaning your wife and her kids.Take care.

As hard as it is OP and I understand your upset but I really hope feelings will die down and this will pass.
I honestly don't believe that your ss meant it maliciously when he said those words.
In his eyes, he wants to share his milestone birthday with his bio family and divorce puts the hammer on living with your bio family which in reality is what most children /young adults want.
Please don't think that I am dismissing your hurt, you are justifiably upset.
I really believe that your ss isn't aware or recognising how you see it.
For everyone's wellbeing, please let this pass.

The partner never is. That’s my point. You have to take things at face value if the thread isn’t going to descend into whataboutery.

Yes. And that’s my point. He’s not 8 now is he ? He’s 18. And it’s old enough to know that what he’s asking isn’t reasonable. It’s massively disrespectful to his mother for a start.