My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

He has indeed dragged himself over an arbitrary threshold, but give him time to drop the baggage of childhood. How many months has he had to do so? Weeks?

I mean… it is such a ridiculous analogy that my jaw hit the floor!!

Quite possibly it was a test. To see if his mum will put him first over the others.

If the son feels that he doesn’t belong like op said then he was asking him mum to pick and put him/his siblings first over op and his children with the Bio only thing.

Ops children have likely done well out of the marriage since the wife is the higher earner by quite some. Ops children technically didn’t gain anything other than more people in the home and mums resources being split further in both money and time to the new incomers.

For the most part we don’t live with step-parents by the time we get married or have babies but the comment was in relation to the quote that PP resented her stepfather being present at those occasions. Your family by marriage are still your family, even though you don’t get a say in it. You still have to make efforts to foster those relationships (unless that person has given you cause not to), whether that’s a step-parent or an in-law.

That’s a massive kick in the teeth. Id be a bit upset about SS, but he’s only 18 and sounds upset and confused about the divorce. He’s now a young adult and is probably reassessing things and working through it in his head. I remember getting pretty upset about my parents divorce and my relationship with my dad at the same age.

I’d be super pissed off with DW though, who went along with it, and I’d def be reassessing the relationship. You gave her a compromise - to go for the birthday but not the whole holiday - yet she’s going for the whole thing. She caved in to her kids and threw you under the bus. Honestly I think if it were me by the end of the holiday I’d have moved out or be planning to. Really sorry.

He is allowed to ask for the thing he wants most, and for that brief time, the adults around him should work together to make it happen

If the request was reasonable I'd agree, but as most have said it simply isn't

Most of his life, he hasn't come first; his feelings haven't been seen, and his wishes haven't been granted

Bit of a stretch going on there since we can't know this, but if we're going for stretches here's another one: teenagers can also be deeply manipulative, especially with a biological father who models this, and we can't know whether this "never having a place in the family" is a genuine statement of feeling or a rather spiteful bite-back to maybe not getting something he wants

It definitely isn't an "on all fours" analogy that's for sure!

Unless you were suddenly forced to live with your bil and any children he had and all your private info was constantly shared with him it’s totally different.

I think the ex is jealous of his ex's new relationship. You said he still wanted to stay with her, even after cheating on her. It must wind him up to see her happy and her having the DC most of the time. If the yacht was his idea he may be trying to drive a wedge in your relationship. If it is otherwise a happy union then don't give him the satisfaction.

Everything that's been said to be ok for the stepkids 18th is also true for the OPs daughters,if they now see the stepmum and her kids differently then its all cool. We have to remember that one of the sacred stepkids has said dont talk to me, doesn't matter that it's in opposition to the OPs weak wife. Not my real family means OPS kids are done.

I don't think it's fair to equate siblings' inlaws with the very emotionally interdependent relationship a child ought to be entitled to with their parent.

This is 100% on your Wife. She could have put much firmer boundaries in place and managed the expectations of her DC, instead of going on Yacht trip with her Ex. You have been together for 10 years. Even if the relationship with step children isn't ideal you still deserve a level of respect.

I cannot take your posts seriously

relating you not enjoying seeing your BIL at events to this situation? Mind boggling

Sorry OP.
My husband would never spend a week on a yacht with his ex wife especially without me. No matter how his kids felt or what they wanted.

Yeah, I would not be wild about this. But actually I think the issue is with your wife. In my view, she should have put her foot down and said she would be there for the day and an eve for the celebrations and then leave the ex and kids to do their thing; she should not have caved on that and given in to the demands.

18th bday aside, your step son should not get to dictate that his biological parents who are no longer together spend an entire week together on a fucking yacht! Nope. A day an eve of celebrations with both parents, then a lovely trip with his dad and siblings is more than enough.

It doesnt matter. He has a voice and her used it. This isnt just a relationship between wife and stepfather.

The relationship between mother and son takes priority. It can be tricky. And sometimes a mum needs to show her son that he comes first.

All you PPs that are extolling the wrongs done to 7 year old children by being forced, against their wills, their betterment, their wellbeing into blended families, get a grip!

It isn’t categorically like that. By no means am I saying it is always ideal, sometimes it isn’t. But why would OPs DSS be traumatised because OP calls him his DS or alludes to it, OP is just being a decent person. Yes
it might get on the DSS nerves but I am sure a lot of things will have that effect.

DSSs bio dad and mum are the parties involved in their divorce. At 7, DSS was upset, confused and affected by his parents break up, he may have been harbouring this resentment about OP taking his DFs place since then, but OP has done what any decent step parent would do.

Poor, little DSS, his DM married a decent guy.
Maybe DSS doesn’t know the full story, why should he? OP has not traumatised his DSS, his mother and father have.

He’s had ten years to process the fact that his mum and dad are no longer together and have moved on. I do wonder how much his mum has shielded her kids from the reasons for the divorce because there doesn’t seem to be any appreciation of the fact that his dad’s behaviour was so bad that his mum divorced him.

Your wife.needs to tell the ex to never do anything like that again
The damage caused may be irreparable and you should not have to put up with being treated as you have been. Not acceptable. The ex is seriously meddling and DSS disrespectful

Oh Christ on a bike what a way to suspend reality and fan the flame of childhood hope that the boy's parents will stay together.
It has been ten years.
Just because this is a special birthday it does not mean the boy gets whatever he wants.
That's utterly ridiculous.

The step dad/OP has been totally disrespected by his wife.

The wife should have said, in no uncertain terms, "I am not going on this trip. You kids and your dad are having this holiday together."

Any further discussion should have been shut down.

The fact that it has even come to this, OP's wife away on holiday, shows that the kids' expectations have not been managed at all and there must be more going on here. There must be a pattern of behaviour that allowed this situation to arise. 🤔

And what if in that ten years you’ve lived with a man that you really don’t bloody like and forced to live with other kids that you also don’t bloody like.

You dont have to be traumatised by the stepparent. You just might want some time with your biological parents alone too.

If the relationship is so sacred, how can it cause such ruption if he wants one week away to spend time with his biological family?

And then there’s the view that her ex caused one divorce and is well on the way to causing another.

It's a pile of utter nonsense. His birthday is one day. How on earth his mother allowed herself to be manipulated into spending a week with her ex is utterly bizarre to me.

This is so true,there's nothing quite like a father and daughter too. Especially if the SS has shouted at her. Bet she's feeling sorry for her actaul siblings. Must be hard for the step parent to overcome that. SS mum has lied, cant see this going the distance now.