My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

I don't think your SS should have had his wish granted of a holiday with his bio parents without their spouses. His parents are divorced and long remarried, and it was just inappropriate. As a result, look at the fall-out. A nice dinner with his "own family" would have sufficed. This is the bio parents' fault for indulging his fantasy of his family getting back together. You can't blame him for that fantasy, but saying yes to an entire holiday as the family they used to be was totally the wrong move, imo. No way would my dad have ever said yes to such a request. IME, once a divorced parent is remarried, their spouse is included in everything. My dad would not have allowed his wife to be left out.

Why is there an assumption that the kids have suffered in every single bloody blended family situation ? Do you not think that OP’s kids would have been affected by the way their father treated their mother. I’m sorry but I just don’t get the MN narrative that parents are supposed to put their lives on hold for their kids, even when the step parent is a good one. It’s no wonder so many kids these days are rude and entitled if they’re being brought up to believe their wishes come before everyone else’s. Life happens.

Are you ok? Not everyone who gets divorced has done something 'wrong' you know. Do you blame OP's wife for getting divorced too?

This is what's happening, the dads kids are kicking back on the stepkids demands the OPs wife has lied about the event, looks like the OP has another couple of you're not my gamily⅝ he is if he shouts and screams at his step sister for..daring to bring it up

No he isn't. The wife is. He is fine to ask, it is her job as the parent to set boundaries.

But this is clearly OP’s issue. He can't compete with bio Dad on money but he has always had the moral high ground of being a faithful husband and a good parent. Now the kid has revealed he did not appreciate being parented by OP so OP has lost part of his “value” within the family.

I can see why that stings, but it wasn’t a healthy way to see things in the first place.

Why are you so against blended families? All of your posts are very negative

Agree.

Apparently ex husband is still unmarried, and was trying to get OP back even after she divorced him for being a serial cheat. So DS is actually asking his mother to go alone on a holiday with her ex husband, who is also alone. And many posters don’t see this as unreasonable because he’s a step kid, so he must have ‘suffered’. It’s bollocks.

The facts about her situation have been given. Those about OP’s divorce have not.

I can understand why you're not happy, but honestly it sounds like you may have been looking at the blended family through rose tinted glasses. The children who had no choice in the matter may feel differently from the adults who inflicted it upon them.

Because they're usually shit for the children, as the OP nicely demonstrates.

You may not have noticed, but the 18 year old is an adult too. Old enough to have enough self awareness to know that what he’s asking is going to cause a change in the family dynamic and probably a rift that can’t be fully healed.

Well he probably wants them back together.

And isn't that what the adults in his life have modelled: you decide what you want in a family situations and go for it.

As you said above, "life happens." I guess that's what the DS plans to say to the OP if his bio parents do get back together: "Life happens OP, life happens."

Why would your philosophy only work against the children when it comes to pursuing what we each want?

In a round about way; I agree with you, but the kids, all of them are now of an age to say what the fuck. I am saying that all the kids have had no say and now they have its all gone pete tong. We are both saying what the heck in different ways x

I disagree. It's a threshold, transition birthday, boy to man. He is allowed to ask for the thing he wants most, and for that brief time, the adults around him should work together to make it happen. Most of his life, he hasn't come first; his feelings haven't been seen, and his wishes haven't been granted. For this one week, he should come first. I would not want to spend a week on a yacht with my ex, but for my child, I could nor only do it, but I'd make it the best damn week his life.

Why have the adults modelled it ? By living their lives and moving on ? Ex cheated on DW multiple times and she divorced him. Why on earth would DS want her to get back together with a man who treated her so badly ? It’s not a question of this working against the children. In this case we’re not dealing with a child - he’s 18, not 8. An adult. And perfectly capable of realising that what he’s asking will come at the expense of everyone else involved. Except possibly the manipulative ex, who suggested it in the first place.

The hard truth is that to your step children, you are NOT family. Your wife is family to you. Your step children still have a father who’s involved albeit not to the degree that he should but you yourself said that your ss has a good relationship with his father.

You should have protected your heart a bit more by keeping in mind that as much as you love your step children, they love their mum and dad more than they will ever love you. It’s a natural feeling. Ss has gone about this yacht thing in an immature manner, it is expected. He’s still a child.

You have a lot of love to give, sometimes it’s best to match people’s energy. S children care about you and they’d rather you love them at that same level.

But aren’t those things just life? I don’t particularly like my brother-in-law but I have to see him at all those occasions because he’s married to my sister. I don’t feel resentful about it. It just is what it is.

Very easy to say on a public forum. Not so easy when you’re faced with it IRL - not to mention the ramifications which will change the whole family dynamic.

I couldn't stay married to a spouse who went along with this.

Because a decade has passed by? Because the wife has moved on and built a new, happy life with the OP? Because she and her ex have three children whom they both love? And because they just might have a nice time celebrating together as the first of those children reaches adulthood? Do people generally feel so very insecure after a decade of marriage? (I’ve really no idea, as a cohabitee of 30+ years!)

18 is not a child.

But you don't live with your brother in law? And your sister didn't bring you into this world ( I don't need the question mark for that one!)

wtf

you aren’t seriously using your BIL as an analogy are you? I mean… where to start with how utterly daft and irrelevant that is to this situation!!