My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Is turning 18 really that big a deal? Everyone has a birthday every year. Everyone turns 18 at some point. They don't act like a total diva about it. I dread to think what 21 will bring.

You are not being unreasonable. In your position I'm not sure I could get past it.

I think it's great that your stepson felt able to ask for what he wanted, and that his parents felt able to honour his wishes. I honestly think it will make him feel much more comfortable with the whole dynamic during his adult life - as he knows his parents respect him and his wishes

Sounds great on the face of it doesn't it, @SplishSplash123? Except I'm not sure how wise honouring and respecting his wishes is when it involves so much hurt to someone else

He's 18 not 8, and I'm also not sure what kind of example this is setting for his own future relationships

We can all appreciate the difficulties stepchildren often face, but still wonder how potentially blowing up the new partners' lives is going to help in any way - unless of course that's their aim, which would hardly be helpful

I think it's great that your stepson felt able to ask for what he wanted, and that his parents felt able to honour his wishes. I honestly think it will make him feel much more comfortable with the whole dynamic during his adult life - as he knows his parents respect him and his wishes.

Shame his dad didn’t respect his mum when he was putting his penis in other people.

I agree with much of this op: the children don't get a say in blended families, and, at a biological level, it isn't hard to understand why they would find it a visceral severance. For some children it can work, but I think more often than not, it is a situation dc have thrust upon them and have to make the best of it. He's allowed to feel that way. I think as a society we have become far too flippant about the feasibility of it working well for children.

I think your dc was a bit out of order to try to shut down his feelings around that. We can't make people feel a certain way because it suits the rest of us.

In any case, if anyone is in the wrong here, I'd say it was your wife for not saying no. Yes, it was awkward, but she played a part in the complicated set-up in a way her DS did not. It is her job to manage it, not his. He had the trip suggested, and he wanted it. You say in your post:
He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.
And I can understand your feelings here in the second sentence, but you have rather danced swiftly over the fact of his expressed feelings in the first sentence. If you read that back - feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family - is that not in fact heart-breaking for him more than for you?

One of the other children in this equation has said this, they will never see the not family in the same way.

Your dss was young when they separated and possibly does not even remember them being together. I think I would have respected his wishes even if they do seem excessive. I think your wife was in a tough position. Your dss overreacted towards your daughter. However it’s one birthday I think you and your wife can learn from it and put changes in place for her other children when the time comes.

@Derkkk
Well, that's that.

He doesn't consider you or your kids who he has known for years to be "family" then, fine. Your W obviously doesn't either as she didn't push back at all from what you've said unless she was frightened of arguing with the blessed child.

Your W went on the yacht? So she's not around at the mo...

OK, well, maybe time for you to get your ducks in a row as so many MNetters would suggest to a rejected wife.

Put your kids FIRST. Make sure your will is up to date and leaves everything to them, that any pensions/benefits from your job has their names as nominated beneficiaries. Everything. The house, life insurance, the LOT.

An over-reaction? Maybe, but swap the sexes and if you were the W and she were the H my response would be the same.

Ultimately, after all the time and effort you've put in - to having a good relationship with him and his siblings - it's for nothing. AND your WIFE has supported/agreed with that by going.

I wouldn't bother any more.
I wouldn't even do his laundry.
His mother can do it.

🍺

oh, and even tho my username suggests I'm a bloke, no, I still have vaguely functional female body parts🤦🏻‍♀️

As I’ve written somewhere earlier, blaming the DS is unfair. There are three adults involved in this, and none of them are acting as adults or it seems actually listening to the 18 year old. Is his desire rational? No. But is his voicing what he has felt about the situation reasonable? Yes.

OK? They are entitled to their view too

Wonderfully put!

The OPs DD has also now told her step bro that hes not to talk to her, perfectly acceptable. The OPs other kids are going to see the SS and his mum as not the family...thats ok.

I have always hated the fact that parents' new partners have to be an "intimate" part of my life i.e. they know eyething about me that my parents know. I hated having them at my graduation, at birthday meals, at Christmases, at my wedding and in the hospital when my child was born. I was and am hugely resentful that these strangers - none of whom I massively dislike, but equally not people I particularly like personality-wise either - have to be such a big part of my life.

This is absolutely spot on and the heart of the issue. It strikes me as monumentally unfair the way that, as a society, we expect children to weather this very intimate intrusion. The added irony is that, by definition, these situations usually come about because the parents have changed relationships to make sure their home life looks the way they want it - yet the children are supposed to put up and shut up with whatever is offered EVEN though it is the parents who have responsibility for their existence and not vice versa. We ask way too much of children as a society - simply because they are dependent and have no real power so ... we can.

As if he not feeling shit already...you wade in with this....not needed love

And it’s painfully obvious that you have cast yourself as “the good guy” in opposition to the cheater who left his wife. Saved her on your white horse did you? How did you end up divorced with three children, not remotely your fault eh?

And when he was shouting at the OPs kids x

I don't know what your wife is thinking. Your stepson is either spoilt and manipulative or is being manipulated by his biological father. Dreadful behaviour.

I guess my point was that doing this holiday isn't actually prioritising her children in a real way. It isn't good for an 18 year old to be able to force this decision on his mother. It isn't good for an 18 year old to think that if he pushes hard enough his mum will create a rift in her current marriage in order to spend a week with her ex in close quarters. Unless you all think noone should divorce or no one should marry again if they have kids, I suspect most people would agree with this. How many women on this thread would actually go off on holiday for a week with their ex (and presumably they divorced for good reason) and kids, leaving behind their current husband?

It is good for an 18 year old to have his preference not to include his step family in his birthday respected. A dinner or other event with just sibs and parents - work away and suck it up OP if you feel excluded. But a holiday pretending to be happy families again?? that isn't good for anyone - including the children.

Honestly, if the mother is prepared to do this to placate her son I'm amazed she didn't stay in the original marriage for the sake of the children.

And it’s painfully obvious that you have cast yourself as “the good guy” in opposition to the cheater who left his wife. Saved her on your white horse did you? How did you end up divorced with three children, not remotely your fault eh?

Jesus. As if women need saving - horse or no horse. seriously warped view of the world here.

Yes. So dreadful these spoiled children who don't just get on with everyone and have no real demands over who their family is comprised of. You'd think they could just manage to deal with the hand they have chosen been dealt. After all, their parents have set that example ... oh, wait ..

New partner ? They’ve been married ten years ? And it’s hardly DW’s fault that her ex couldn’t keep it in his pants while they were married. Is she not allowed a life ?

That also goes for the OPs kids though, they have suffered the as much as the SS, but they are biting back. All I can reiterate is, dont blend anything except coffee till your kids are grown.

So they are being treated like the paupers. Not great. If Dad is extremely rich he should have the good sense to go about this in a way that doesn’t cause strife.

I agree. It isn't fair on children to "have to" accept new family.

I do know of situations where it has been very healing for all involved to blend families, but I think it requires more real honesty as to whether that is really the case than most people are prepared to give.

But for people to then turn round and call dc who have had the situation thrust on them "spoiled" for not accepting it lying down, no unsupportive comments, is really unfair.

This boy craves time with his bio parents. That is an utterly natural instinct.

It is highly inappropriate for your wife to be going away with her ex and having a holiday as though they're happy families.

A family meal where both parents are there? Fine. Graduation with both present? Fine. School stuff? Fine. Now a holiday. She clearly doesn't respect you.

And that is for her to explain. It isn't for her ds to not ask for it.

The DS is not the one at fault in this scenario.