My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

It's actually his own parents who have let him down. His father used his birthday to manipulate the entire situation and his mother was weak and didn't do the right thing by shutting the suggestion down as soon as it was mentioned. it's ridiculous.

I can get where youre coming from op and feel sorry for you. If it was a day out or meal to celebrate Id be hurt but understand.

Your Dss is 18 surely he can see how inappropriate it is for his mum to go for a week long holiday with his dad, her ex?!

I'm not sure I would be able to let go of the hurt of my partner going away with his ex for a week even if my kids wanted me to.

"He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place" I can't believe after hearing this you're still just concerned with how you feel about this, how this impacts you, everything you've done for them...

If a child i cared about told me my presence had caused them to feel they have no place in their family, for their entire childhood, I'd be devastated for THEM, and want to know what I could do to resolve this and make space for them.

I couldn’t have thought of anything worse than having to spend a week on a yacht with my divorced parents when I was eighteen. They divorced for a reason and it wasn’t to play make believe happy families ten years later.

You're not unreasonable to have these feelings - you can't help the way you feel.

But I do think it's really important to remember that children have absolutely no choice when it comes to separations and parents choosing new partners.

I was an older teen when my parents divorced and I have always hated the fact that parents' new partners have to be an "intimate" part of my life i.e. they know eyething about me that my parents know. I hated having them at my graduation, at birthday meals, at Christmases, at my wedding and in the hospital when my child was born. I was and am hugely resentful that these strangers - none of whom I massively dislike, but equally not people I particularly like personality-wise either - have to be such a big part of my life.

I think it's great that your stepson felt able to ask for what he wanted, and that his parents felt able to honour his wishes. I honestly think it will make him feel much more comfortable with the whole dynamic during his adult life - as he knows his parents respect him and his wishes.

As I say, I am sorry to hear your feelings are hurt and suggest you do discuss this with your wife - in the sense of getting it off your chest and trying to make sense of it with her. But please do not expect, or encourage her/your daughter, to in any way change your stepsons views.

To marry someone with children is to take responsibility for the relationship with the child without being guaranteed any reciprocity. Yes, its a big ask and feels very one sided, but the child has never had any say in the breakdown or formation of the new relationships and can't be expected to be responsible for your feelings or those of their stepsiblings.

I know, none of this did you treat them like your own....just suck it up for you and your kids.

I think both the biological parents are to blame here, they have created a situation which is incredibly hurtful to the op and his biological kids.

If SS had wanted a meal with his bio parents & siblings, fair enough. But to bugger off for a week on a yacht, excluding his step family that he has spent more than half his life with? Just wrong. SS may want his 'real' family back together, this is giving him (and his bio siblings) false hope.

Bio dad should never have suggested it, bio mum should have shut it down immediately.

While this hurts, you have done the right thing by lettering your stepson define his own family.

so many parents expect everyone to fall in with their definition of family. Your stepson sees his nuclear family as his biological family - that is perfectly valid. You are his step dad and it would be unfair to force him to pretend he feels exactly the same way about you as he does his dad.

you can’t dictate how people feel.

Im sorry you are struggling with this - but he is his own person and can’t be forced to view you as the same as his dad.

I would of laughed my son out the door if he suggested i spend a week on yacht with my ex ! I'd rather be hung drawn and quartered in all honesty . She should of said absolutely not and that be the end of the conversation instead of letting him manipulate her into going .
Since it was his dad's idea is he making a play for your wife ? I'd seriously be considering divorce over this .

My parents never got on after they divorced so I never got to experience them happily together at events. I kind of had to accept the blended family whether I liked it or not.

But now having my daughter, and me and her father are no longer together, I can see what your stepson is asking for . He didn’t ask to have seperated parents and maybe this is his way of feeling “normal”.

It’s sad but I wouldn’t say it’s a reflection on your relationship.

One of the children in this situation has fuck you to her not family, its not just the mums kids that get to say their piece. Stepson has shouted at his step sibling, she is now saying no more.

This. The adults created the situation, not any of the kids, and if the pre-existing dynamic required any or all of the DC to hide their views about the blended family, it was never sustainable in the first place.

I agree that it may well be pretty hard to come back from though.

This is spot on.

He angrily told her she wasn't family and you don't think that's hurtful? He could celebrate his birthday with his cheating absent father without pressuring his mother to go on an inappropriate trip with the ex who cheated on her.

On a yacht? Have you any idea just how intimate life is on a yacht ffs. The Ex husband has engineered this.

A meal out just the bio family absolutely but on a yacht - big fat no

She wanted to go and has gone, no excuses for her. I say no to my kid all the time. This is the gender reversed story:
My husband of 10 years is going on a yachting holiday for a week with just his ex and their three children to celebrate their daughter's 18th birthday.

No embellishment about cheating or absent parenting, just they're going off (and probably sharing a bed).
Cool girls on here, would you have sent him off with condoms and told him to have a good time or LTB? Ridiculous responses on here.

In denial that their parents are no longer a family. Both parents are their family, but they’re not family to each other. I spent years desperate for my parents to get back together. My DF routinely beat my mum up, and kept her locked in the house. Eventually she got away, divorced him and got an injunction against him which he repeatedly broke and was eventually sent to prison.

Despite all this, I still wanted them to get back together because I was a child and had no comprehension of their relationship or her feelings. I was completely self-centered. I obviously changed my mind by the time I was an adult, and feel terrible guilt for being so selfish and putting my mum under pressure to take my dad back. A lot of step-children believe that if it wasn’t for the step-parent, their own parents would still be happily married. They harbour strong resentments without considering that there were good reasons their parents split, usually well before the appearance of a step-parent.

I don’t think my relationship would ever come back from this. Your wife has chosen her ex husband’s wishes over yours.

Some of this falls on your wife. She shouldn’t have agreed to go. Your step son is nearly (or is now) an adult and should understand why his mother might not want to go on holiday with her ex husband. 18th birthday or not, he shouldn’t have been so indulged.

The ex husband sounds like a trouble maker. He could have taken his 3 children on a trip to mark the special occasion only.

As for the squabble between the 2 eldest, well you can’t force a relationship between them. Sometimes blood siblings fall out. But, I do hope they make up.

Really?

The OP has children too. Do you not think the way DS has behaved has made them feel unwanted ?

Compromise means being reasonable and collaborative about parenting and being able to get on without causing problems at your children’s weddings etc. An 18 year old can fully understand that asking 10 years divorced people to go on holiday together without their current spouses is unreasonable. A yachting holiday is very specifically a close group, just the family or friends group together, all day, every day. I love sailing and yachting holidays personally but it’s very different than a hotel holiday where there are many other people about and options to go off on your own etc.

The stepson might be selfish for wanting this. But as a stepchild I would love to see my mum put be first. Sometimes it can feel like a tornado when your parent finds a new partner. And the child can feel invisible. This is a trip for the entire biological family. It can be healing. Dont let the internet make that a bad thing.

This.

Very similar situation, and I know my step siblings feel that way about my mother, everything had to be done together, my Grandparents (thankfully) didn’t play along & although they were kind & generous to step siblings, they had boundaries & wouldn’t allow my mother to dictate their relationship.