My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Have to agree that a big meal celebration / day out is perfectly acceptable celebration in this situation. The 18th birthday parties can still happen with friends / extended family etc too.

I do wonder if there is a back story here?

OP, how is the marriage generally?

ExH suggesting a weeks holiday that includes her seems unacceptable to most. After 10 years ‘kids’ (young adults) would also usually understand boundaries - and that this is not within them.

Given that DSS seems to have ‘reservations’ about how perfect the blended family is, what else goes on behind the scenes that OP hasn’t registered?

I think the wife is playing a dangerous and (giving her the benefit of the doubt) incredibly / unbelievably naive game.

Either way, she has set a ball rolling that will change the home dynamic.

The ExH does not seem like a good bet, so risking what we assume to be a good marriage is daft.

In the previous thread I remember OP saying something about being unhappy when the stepchildren get bought expensive things by their dad because he thinks the children should all have the same.

Could this be a source of unhappiness in the children OP? I definitely wouldn't have liked a stepparent dictating what my other parent could give me.

This is totally out of order , I couldn’t get passed this OP .. It’s disrespectful in the highest form

His children are also entitled to make their wishes known, especially if their milestones have had their not family involved.

So it’s not allowed to spend time with just biological family? Surely it’s ok to spend some time as a blended group, and other time with biological family?

Hardly anyone's suggested otherwise, @Pinkissmart; it's mainly that this particular arrangement is utterly unacceptable, as would have been obvious had it been a woman writing about her male partner

There's also the point that the ex was repeatedly dishonest in cheating on the DW, still wanted a relationship with her afterwards and is now single - so what's to say that on arrival he won't claim there's "a mistake with the booking" which involves them having to share a bedroom ("and we're here now and can't possibly disappoint DS")

He didn’t need to. The manipulation being channelled by his father clearly worked.

Dittto

I think this might win the most immature response award. You really don't see any deeper issues here? Really?

Children aren't given much choice when families blend, they are expected to accept it. I do believe that often the adults, have a far more rosy view of their blended family, than the children. Your step-son has been honest with how he feels, and he's not wrong, that he didn't ask for the situation.

I don't think it means your step-son dislikes you or your children, but the simple fact is, you aren't his biological family.

If what your wife is saying is true, that the idea for staying on a yacht, was actually her ex-husband's rather than your step-son's, then I'd be wondering why he suggested this? Did your wife initiate the split from her ex? I'd be wondering if he suggested it, knowing full well his son would jump at the chance of a free holiday, and it would put your wife in a very awkward position to say no. I can't see many ex-husband's (or ex-wives) suggesting something like this, where they're stuck in a confined space with someone they divorced! If fact I'd say it was most divorced couples worst nightmare!!

You have done the right thing by taking your wife and step-son to the airport, and with a smile waving them off. None of us know your wife's ex husband, so we can't say if he's devious enough to manipulate a situation for his own ends.

Jesus, are you twelve ?

And it’s not very difficult to understand and sympathise that children in blended families (particularly those from the first marriage) often feel sidelined and ignored and lonely and like they have no real place in either family. The OP doesn’t really understand that and is more concerned that a narrative they’ve created (and possibly forced on the children) has some crashing down. That they didn’t notice this in the 10 years previous to this only shows how little they really cared about the children and how much more they cared about the image they were projecting. If he had perhaps listened to his step-son before then this wouldn’t have been such a shock.

Step parents can be great. I have one. But they do so but understanding how bloody awful the situation is for the children, not denying it and forcing happy families.

What the actual fuck???

Perfect!

Yeah you're projecting. Massively.

Yep, it’s all the man’s fault. Peak Mumsnet.

The ex husband cheated on DW multiple times and if I remember correctly from the other thread, she divorced him. OP says he still pursued her even after they were divorced, and is still single. So it’s not really that hard to see why OP thinks there may be an ulterior motive - sounds very much as though the ex has manipulated the situation by planting the idea in his sons’ head.

The OPs children are also children of a broken relationship.

I can clearly see you are hurt , understandably ,also i can see your wife is stuck in the middle and has 'chosen' her son which as a mother i can understand why.
I think she is probably hurting too and won't be having the wonderful time that her son thinks she will be .
I have an adult step child , we didn't become a blended family as such as they always lived with their mother but i do know all about trying to please everybody and misunderstandings etc.
I think your 18 year old step son will in time begin to think about all of this and realise what a good man you have been to him , but for now unfortunately he is neither child or man and having the experience of my own 3 children at this age i don't think they think much about anything other than their own wants and needs.
Of course not all are the same but they still have so much to learn about life and the people in their lives at this young age.

OP... how would your wife feel about you going off for a week with your ex on a yacht?? The DSS needs to remember there's a reason his parents divorced. It's absolutely unacceptable that your wife went on this trip.. There are a hundred other ways they could have celebrated. Also, there are other 18th birthdays coming, then will it be him demanding similar for his 21st ?? No he doesn't have to think of you as his parent, but he shouldn't ever take anything from you if that's the way he feels. He's shown you how he feels, so treat him accordingly from now on. He sounds very selfish, and immature. His mother needs to have some serious words with him.... and you need to have some with her too !!! There will be a different dynamic from now on.

No, and it would prove the stepsons point that they aren't a real family at all, the parents only pretend they are when its convenient for their relationship. I wouldn't write off my child for something so tiny.

I would imagine OP’s kids are the ones feeling sidelined and ignored, and definitely as though they don’t belong. That’s entirely down to DS. He’s effectively changed the dynamic with this demand and I would imagine it’s going to be pretty hard to come back from.

No I’m just trying to be understanding of the children in this, when the OP is determined to make it all about him.

No, the DS is acting like an 18 year old (mad but that’s what teenagers are) from what I can see none of the adults are acting like adults. They need to. Parenting the OPs children and managing the situation without creating bad and good people in the family is down to the adults not the 18 year old.

I’d be really hurt too. It’s like the bio dad has almost engineered this to spend a weekend with his ex wife. It’s disrespectful to you on his side and I’m sorry to say your wife should have just said a firm no. Nothing stopping this kids going though.

The ex is a cheater and an absent dad, two of the most loathed demographics on here and yet the OP is still seen as worse because he’s a step parent. Astonishing.