My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

But that doesn’t mean he should get it. A meal out with his bio family - fine. A two week holiday on a yacht, and expecting his mum to spend that time with her ex husband, who from what OP said in the original thread, treated her like shit - absolutely not. I don’t think it’s a question of whether mum should be loyal to her son, more than her son should be loyal to his mum and recognise that however much he wants it not to be the case, they are no longer together, and what he wants is not only at the behest of a manipulative father, but totally inappropriate.

OPs DD has probably already had the DSS and DSM involved in her celebrations and her siblings, this switch and bait is going to be difficult to justify. Heads OP and his kids lose, tails they win. It's a very cushty life for OPs wife, even with the supposed wealth.

I think they are mostly stepchildren who are in denial.

Equally, any Step-Mum posting describing her step-kids as 'our children' and their actual parent as 'biological' and a shit parent would have been given short shrift.

She'd have been told that's their Mum not their biological Mum and they're your DHs DC with his ex, not 'your children'.

There'd also be a lot of do you talk this negatively about your Step-DCs Mum in front of them OP? They have a Mum and it's not you. I'd like to hear your DHs exes side of the story.

Whereas OP has had people telling him how wonderful he is and how the step-kids should all see that and if they don't they can leave.

And do you not think the ex husband is looking at this with regard to what is best for him ? This wasn’t the sons’ idea, it was suggested to him by his father. It’s nasty and manipulative - especially when you take into account that, according to OP’s last thread, this man was unfaithful on multiple occasions. Why on earth would anyone - let alone her own son - think that after putting up with that, divorcing him and moving on, she would want to spend time with someone who caused her so much pain ?

Again, so disingenuous. You know fine well what OP is talking about. The father of the child didn't want to be there for his child. I would think OP's wife wanted OP at the hospital to support her and her child. It's really not difficult to understand.

Really what it all comes down to is trust. I dont believe you are that bothered about his birthday. Otherwise it would be about him and not about you and your children. I think what's really bothering you is you dont trust your wife. And what's worse is i bet she has done nothing for you to mistrust her . Even if her ex was still interested that doesnt mean she is !

A separate point.

It's possible to think DSS and his siblings shouldn't get their wish without claiming with no basis that he wouldn't have wanted it by himself. The latter is just illogical.

It totally depends on the step parent and parent! My stepdad is a much better father than my bio dad and I count myself lucky to have him in my life. My niece has a similar feeling for my brother-in-law. I’m not sure we count as ‘blended’ families though. I think it’s much harder where the step-parent already has children of their own, or joins the family when the child is older (I was 3 when my mum re-married, niece was 5).

Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

I can completely understand why you feel that way, but evidently your DSS himself has had more of a broken heart all these years, because of his broken home aged 7, than anyone ever realised. This determination about his birthday without the rest of you must be coming from some sort of unresolved grief on his part.

It must be extremely upsetting for you, but a wonderful gift to him would be to try to show generosity of mood over his birthday brief ‘return’ to his original family. It may be that he will still feel sad afterwards because nothing will really bring it back.

Mmm I dont think there's any way to discuss blended family issues on here without getting the hairdryer treatment from someone or other!

Well yes, obviously. Ime this is entirely standard for stepparents anyway.

Very true.

You're making this into a huge drama which centres yourself and your hurt feelings. I can't imagine it's the first time he's felt he has to put his wishes to one side for the sake of the 'family'. Frankly, blended families rarely feel like a real family unit because in many ways they aren't. He's allowed to feel that way and has expressed it as courteously as possible. He's an adult and can choose to celebrate his birthday with whoever he wants and while I understand you're hurt, the fact that you're hurt is not the most important thing about him turning 18.

I’ve seen plenty of posts where the distinction between bio and step parents have been made. And OP mostly refers to their blended family as ‘the kids’ and clearly considers them his family. While that may not be strictly true I’ve seen far more step parents criticised for making the distinction and favouring their own kids, so as far as I can see step parents can’t win whatever they do. And OP has only talked ‘negatively’ about the ex in terms of appropriate information relevant to the thread - I can’t see anywhere on this thread, or the last one where OP has called the ex a shit dad.

So you didn't actually ask your parents to go on holiday together for a week? No-one put the idea in your head?

As I said in your last thread, maybe a meal with his Mum and Dad is fine, a holiday away? Totally unacceptable. You are all pandering to him. Won't do him any favours.

I disagree, the DSS has now dragged in OPs kids into this for his dad. OPs kids are stepkids too, they are probably reevaluating the last decade with the people their dad chose. His wife is spineless,his eldest SK is not nice to his kids and his wife's ex is a cunt. If they are so rich then i won't matter a bit that OP divorces, seems like his wife has money but bo class. Like I said,OPs daughter has a backbone of steel. Her dad is hurting cause her stepmum is weak. Mumsnet is always for the children of blended families, even if they are 25 except when it's a dude .

In denial of what?

I'm just seeing people trying to empathise with the stepson, as if that's such a terrible thing to do.

But surely if he’s an adult, he can be expected to have enough self awareness to understand that insisting his mother, who has been married to OP for ten years, spend two weeks on holiday with the man who cheated on her multiple times is massively disrespectful and totally inappropriate. That man may be his father, but he is his also his mothers’ ex husband, and for good reason. Just because he is a step child doesn’t mean he can trample over people’s feelings - and that includes putting his mother in a very difficult situation - just so he gets what he wants.

I’m not sure you’ve actually read anything I’ve written. Certainly I’ve never said anything you seem to think I have.

Is it unrealistic expectations though? She went on this trip, she may very well choose to go on future ones.

I don’t think he’s pretending his parents are back together, he just wants to spend time with his own family unit, together.

Op isn’t unreasonable to not like it, but I’m not sure what he can do about it if he’s not willing to leave her. She’s chosen to prioritize her children, and those children have made it clear to him that they don’t feel the same way that he does about their blended family. He cannot force them to feel and act as he wishes, so he either has to accept it, or leave.

I don't think he's kidnapped her has he.

I think this is a clear, concise and unbiased summary.

Imo your dw is fully responsible for pandering to this shit..