My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

I really hope you don’t make them call you Dad!

I doubt an 18 year old who has made his mother go on a week long holiday with her ex husband despite the presence of a current husband can be made to do anything so dramatic.

There will be some on MN who will regard the OP as the devil incarnate because he's both a man and a step parent, no matter how reasonable he may be.

Even worse.

That's the thing, adults always look at things with regards to what is best for the adults. The OP posted primarily about being sad about what the dss said, but most people have made the main issue to be that the wife is disrespectful to her husband for going. They are two separate issues IMO, but the common denominator is usually "the DC needs to suck it up".

There's a woman who used to be referred to back in the day as an instamum, both she and her husband had profiles and were well known. They had 2 young DC and very quickly they split up, the mum had moved in with a man who had 2 DC and then they had one together. This was in the space of one year. She did a post about explaining to her young DD about what a blended family meant. She described it as a Betty Crocker cake, where all these ingredients are blended together and the more ingredients, the better the cake. She basically made it sound that she told her child that her 'new' family was so much better than the original one. It's genuinely incredible the lack of foresight that adults can have when they've found a new shag.

This. MN really is batshit sometimes. Just imagine the responses if a woman posted that her husband was going on a cosy little yacht holiday with his ex and their kids, leaving her and her own kids excluded. Posters would need smelling salts. The ex sounds like a piece of shit, and yet posters are still advocating that he gets what he wants.

It was actually his father who 'suggested' it. I don't think the step-son would have ever wanted this on his own. I'm amazed you can't understand this.

Really?

So it’s not allowed to spend time with just biological family? Surely it’s ok to spend some time as a blended group, and other time with biological family?

It’s like saying if your child gets married, you must never see them on their own again

I would not stay married to someone who went on holiday with their ex. She has allowed herself to be manipulated. It should have been a firm no from her but it wasn’t and now you know where you stand. Time to put yourself and your kids first.

Why not? I fantasized about spending time alone with my parents until I was about 40. I feel I really missed out on doing many things like going on holiday together, Christmas dinners, school plays, sports days.

@Pinkissmart

its not that, it’s that it all sounds so heavy and stressful! Life is too short!

OP could walk away, have a more causal relationship with someone else and just focus on himself and having FUN!

It’s just another blended family that the adults thought was working but the children don’t agree with that sentiment.

The oldest now adult child has now voiced this loud and clear. That he didn’t want a step parent and step siblings and felt he had no place within his own family. The younger ones likely feel the same way

Your oldest has taken offence and all the children are backing their own parent and bio siblings.

Blended at surface level only just enough to kid the adult parents that everything was fine and dandy.

The fact the ex would happily be with your wife again along side this chaos anyway well I don’t see why either of you would stick around when the children clearly haven’t been happy for some time.

The other children are particularly relevant, they will have equally valid feelings about the parent and steps. The only parent that is ignoring the truth is the OPs wife right now, his kids are just as important in this.

It should have been shut down from the beginning. An absolute refusal that your wife, by your wife, goes along to be part of the fantasy that the family is still together. I don't get how the three kids ground her down until she relented.

It’s absolutely fine to spend time with bio family. It’s totally batshit to expect an ex partner who is married to someone else to go on a fortnights’ holiday with their ex, and for their current partner to be OK with it. Anyone here who says they’d be OK with it is deluded.

I hope you sort it out because you’ve potentially got two more yacht trips to endure when the other two turn eighteen. I can guarantee it’s the father putting all the “real family” rubbish in their heads. My mother and grandmother used to do exactly the same to me and still do over thirty years later.

I think I would cut my losses and leave. I can't see this situation ever improving. The ex husband obviously pulls the strings.

Excellent post. I cannot imagine making someone else’s birthday about myself. Blended families require compromise.

Are you the ungrateful, rude stepson?

My kids are past 18 but if they suggested I spend a week with an ex on boat for their birthday the answer would have been, Hell No! Not let me talk to the kids about it. She's given them too much sway in what she should do. I somehow think this isn't going to go the way the kids and the Ex think it will and she will be one angry mama on return.
Now you know how they think of you, you can make sure not to overdo the parties and presents thinking they love you as a father.

Yes, at minimum it's realistic that DSS would want this of his own volition. That's not to say there couldn't have been any influence either, but it's totally realistic that a kid in his position could want it.

Yes, this is not a meal out. It's a whole holiday. Ridiculous of the wife to agree to go.

There is not one poster on this thread who would be happy with their husband going away for a week with his ex wife. Not one.
There is not one poster, who had an ounce of self respect, who would just put up with this for the sake of the kids.
The posters telling the OP that this is perfectly normal in blended families are bullshitting.
Why? What do you gain from it?

This is similar to what I posted on the original thread. There are other children, so on big birthdays the ex is going to pull the same shit and OP will be expected to suck it up. I don’t think I could ever look at my partner in the same way again if they agreed to this. It isn’t a question of mum’s loyalties to her kids, it’s a question of her realising that her ex is using their children to manipulate her. It’s really surprising to see posters on MN endorsing this.

They perpetuate their hatred of step parents, no matter what ?

Oh I agree the holiday is not normal.

The children however wanting just their bio family together for events pretty normal even if they never voice it.

Most children would rather not have a step parent or step siblings.