My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

This is so incredibly far off the mark! To suggest children in a blended family "have it all ways" is almost hilarious. Do you know how shit it is to be living between two places? To know that someone you live with would rather you weren't part of the family? To be tested as a child because you have a room in the house instead of a blow up mattress because "you only live here part time". To be resented and called manipulative and attention seeking because you want to spend time with your parent on your contact days? To be resented because you have "double of everything"

but ultimately the parents only choose to blend families when the benefits outweigh the costs to them.

but if the costs outweigh the benefits for children then it makes no difference- they still have to grow in a blended household.

No one is saying it's normal.

The son has requested it is his biological family, that's all.

The other (bio) siblings all wanted that too, so the OP's wife was in a lose-lose situation. Either she disappointed @Derkkk or she disappointed the kids.

Whatever she decided was going to be the wrong decision.

I think there is more to this story though.

I’m not sure I’ve said anything about the other children particularly, other than that often in blended families it’s the two adults who ignore the truth and force a pretence of a wonderful happy family in which everyone is happy and everyone has found new parents/ siblings. The OP has believed a false narrative and clearly there have been signs of problems before that he’s ignored. That his own children are now expressing unhappiness in the situation only highlights that it’s not the bed of roses the OP had thought.

I didn't read it like that. She's had this brother for well over half her life. Maybe they went to school together, had holidays together, celebrated Christmas together and he's pretty well told her she's nothing to him. I think she's probably very hurt not by blending but by his words.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart

This is just the hard reality of many blended families.

Adults come into the lives of children, placing themselves and their need to have a relationship with their parent first, and not considering how the children will feel about it.

Her son never asked for this. Never asked for this awkward situation that's he's now having for his 18th birthday, or have to live with total strangers who are biologically unrelated to him. He was effectively pushed or guilt tripped into it. In his mind, he's already had to make sacrifices in this respect as a child, so now for his 18th, he is being more ruthless. I understand and sympathise why you'd feel hurt after all this time, and especially your wife going on a yacht for a week with her ex and family without you, but it just serves as a reminder that we can't make children accept people who aren't their biological family.

So it makes sense to you that after ten years of marriage your wife just hops on a yacht with her ex for a couple of weeks and sails into the distance ? Because her son wants to play happy families and pretend mum and dad are still together, and sod everyone else concerned ? Riiiight.

Sadly I agree that this is mainly your wife’s doing. She was the one who chose to spend the week with her ex in a place where she’s essentially stuck, she can’t just fly home if it’s awkward, she knew that and still went.

Turn it around - how would she have responded if your 19 year old requested a week away just ‘the proper biological family’ which obviously included your ex?

Will this be repeated in three years time for the 15 year old too?

Then she should have disappointed the kids. A weeks holiday with your ex husband leaving your unhappy current husband at home? Come on, that’s not even a tough decision. It’s completely inappropriate marital behaviour and kids can’t always get their own way.

I understand and sympathise why you'd feel hurt after all this time, and especially your wife going on a yacht for a week with her ex and family without you, but it just serves as a reminder that we can't make children accept people who aren't their biological family.

No-one is saying that the boy has to accept those who aren’t his biological family. He could have gone on the yacht trip with his dad and bio siblings. Insisting that his mum come too is a step to far, and it’s going beyond pandering - especially when you consider that it wasn’t even his own idea. His father planted the idea there. Are you really naive enough to think this was done with the best of intentions ?

The mother is between a rock and a hard place.

She either has disappointed kids or a disappointed partner. Whatever she decides she is the bad guy.

Of course it's odd, but he is an ex for a good reason so it's hardly going to romantic. They just need to be civil to each other.

everything you write is filled with jealousy and insecurity. You say: ‘I'll be* honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation‘, why not?*

Posts like this are so disingenuous. Why not indeed. Who are you trying to fool that you'd be ok with this?

I’d be a lot more sympathetic if the boy himself had come up with the plan, but according to OP it was the ex who suggested that mum come along. That says it all really. And I don’t think 18 is too young to realise, or have it explained that this is an unreasonable ask. His bio mum and dad’s relationship ended long ago. She’s remarried and has loyalties to OP as her husband - which from reading his last thread, is more than the ex had towards her when they were married.

If the fathers as bad as he sounds it's probably not going to be a jolly holiday is it. He was unfaithful and doesn't seem to prioritise his kids. She can't be enjoying time with him and ultimately the kids would have had a better holiday without her being there if there's an atmosphere. Maybe the 18 year old will realise his idea of happy families with mum and dad was just a fantasy.

But DSS didn't say she was nothing to him, he said for ONCE he wanted to celebrate his birthday with his actual family.

Sounds like from the OP DSS has been forced to spend every significant event with his new family whether he liked it or not and now OP and his kids have got the atse because he was honest and said he wanted to celebrate with his actual family who he is related to.

I think the week long trip is nuts but his feelings are not.

The reaction of OP and his kids suggests they've been thinking the blended family is the 'real' family and have had their egos dented to find out DSS and his siblings don't.

It’s ok to be the bad guy sometimes. Honestly the very first time it got suggested, she should have laughed, said absolutely not and got on with her day.

A meal, yes.
A day trip, maybe
A week on a yacht with a single ex. No way is that a reasonable ask.

Exactly this. He's not had a lot of opportunity for his own way over the past decade.

My wife and I were the ones who stayed with our child at the hospital the entire time.

By ‘the youngest child’ do you mean your wife and her ex’s youngest child or do you have a (biologically) shared child?

If it’s your biological child then I wouldn’t expect her ex husband to visit at all. But if you mean the former, then referring to them as ‘our’ child is part of this false narrative of happy family and you their Dad you are pushing. Even if you have the most incredible relationship with her children, you are their step-father and they are your step-children. You are not their father, they already have one of those and forcing an idea to the contrary is probably why they are pushing back now.

I really hope you don’t make them call you Dad!

Absolutely this. And it’s a terrible lesson to teach a kid of 18 years old - all he has to do is apply a bit of emotional blackmail and he gets his own way, even if it causes trouble between his mum and stepdad. So entitled.

I agree. If this was our family I’d say “no way am I spending a week with my ex on a yacht! You kids are welcome to go but it’s not something I’d do in a million years and plus it wouldn’t be fair on your stepdad.”

She either has disappointed kids or a disappointed partner. Whatever she decides she is the bad guy.

By going she has a disappointed partner and kids who have unrealistic expectations of how their parents will behave long long after a divorce. Will she go off on a yacht for a week with her ex every time one of her children turns 18? What happens at 21? A week all off together with the ex on a remote island? Why on earth is the ex pushing this??

I agree that the OP needs to adjust his expectations of a blended family. But the OP's wife did no one any favours in agreeing to this "we're all back together!" weeklong holiday. A lovely dinner out together exes and kids is one thing. This holiday is another. I doubt there are many if any posters on here who would happily wave their dh off to spend a week on holidays in close quarters with his ex and their children. And I don't think it would be of any benefit to the children to do so. It is highly confusing.

This is very upsetting, @Derkkk .

I think it highlights the issues with blended families- even in the ostensibly successful ones (such as yours), there are still feeling of 'actual' family and 'other' family.

Fwiw I think your DW could have handled this better, and very differently, by only agreeing to be there for the actual birthday. I'm guessing she didn't want to risk upsetting her son and other children.

But her choice has upset you, and your children. 🤷‍♀️

You need to have a long hard think about what you want to do about this.

But I am very sympathetic - after 10 years building your blended family unit it has been fractured by this birthday celebration.

It remains to be seen if it is a fatal fracture or not.

I hope you and your children enjoy your break away together.

PS: Can you link your previous thread?

Step-parents cannot win.

I've seen some on here being castigated for referring to their step-children as 'step-children' rather than just 'children'.

It’s still absolutely no excuse for pandering to an 18 year old with such shocking lack of self awareness that he thinks it’s fine for his divorced parents to go on holiday together, despite the fact that she’s married to someone else. I’m astounded that posters are backing it in any way, shape or form.

And OP clearly thinks of all the children as his family. What on earth is wrong with that ? MN really does hate step parents.

It wasn't just him. It was all.of the wives DC that wanted it.