My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

so the children have to compromise everyday in a blended family but you have to compromise for 1 week and all hell breaks loose.

what a load of fuss over nothing.

And please ignore the shit stirrers encouraging you to end your marriage. Your wife was stuck in the middle of 2 headstrong men. She loves you both. Just accept that your needs came last on this occasion and that that’s okay. There was no objective reason for you to come first even though your hurt feelings are understandable.

You mean the person whose18th birthday it is? Well he probably isn’t thinking about all the other blended families in the world is he? What has brought you to the attitude that it is just ‘tough’ if kids have actually struggled with it?

Your wife and her kids are shitting on your marriage and your kids, the longer they are allowed to this the more YOUR kids are being shafted. Please realise that all your efforts towards yoir wife and her kids are taking away from yours. No way that this would fly if XH had a partner. What has the mother of your children said about this?

Well quite. But it’s a man posting so obviously he’s going to get told that he’s being unreasonable/ it’s his fault his stepson behaved badly towards him blah blah blah. Mumsnet is so bloody predictable.

Perfectly put, slumdogminulet

As you say, there's nothing wrong with a celebration with just his biological mum and dad, but a week on a yacht is far too intimate and really pushing things - made worse by the lies which have been told

Erm, these replies are nuts. Who the hell would be okay with their spouse going away for a week with their ex?

She doesn't respect you and your marriage.
That she would holiday with a man who treated her so appallingly shows very flawed judgement.

She has been manipulated to reward him, and lied to you in the process.
I would think these were the selfish actions of a very selfish man, to use his sons birthday to manipulate his ex wife and children.
She fell for it.
I would lose respect for her.

I think she may think that you are so invested you will just suck it up.

I would focus on the impact of this new tense environment for your children.

Your step son is very entitled to his feelings and they can not be wrong.

Your wife has chosen to put her children first, and has agreed to this.

With all the tension in the house now, I would be listening carefully to how your children feel.
They need to be your priority.

Bio dad is a manipulative arse towards his ex wife. What the heck is wrong with a big night out somewhere, all the bio family, then SS could go ahead for a week on the yacht with his bio dad.

I'm so sorry to say this, but your wife has let you all down big time here. If it were my husband going off for a week with his ex I'd divorce him tomorrow. There are other ways to celebrate with the bio family. This yachting for a week is not one of them.

Your wife should also have been very disappointed in the attitude of her son about this.

OMG, I'd be so upset if I were you, notwithstanding all the complications involved in blended families and trying to work around it for everyone's sake.

@Derkkk, this is so sad! He is manipulating you and your family. In fact he is taking the piss!

I won’t be to harsh on your DW, she has been manipulated also. And there are 2 younger ones involved.

In fact everyone has been manipulated by this wealthy man. Money aye!

Have a great time away with your DC. Try not to dwell on it to much, what is done is done, but you do need to have a serious chat with your DW when she gets back about boundaries that she may need to make her DC aware of in terms of the role her ex has in
her life.

I totally understand the complexities, limitations and difficulties of blended families and the adverse effects they can have on the children, but what your DSS, his siblings and the ex have done is totally inconsiderate, all for an 18th birthday. An 18th birthday celebration that has caused awkwardness and pain. I hope it’s worth it.

Your wife has caused this. She should have shut the idea down from the start and stopped trying to ask the kids or persuade the kids. She should have just said no.

Oh and the ex clearly wants to play happy families. He will make a play for her. I can’t believe she’s going to be honest.

The son’s 18th birthday shouldn’t be causing all of this.

I think it's bloody odd that your wife is prepared to spend a week on a yacht with her ex. Never mind how big it is, she won't be able to avoid him if she wants to.

your wife should have said no
but she didn’t
why not…

i think i’d be considering my options.

i wonder if she will phone you during this happy family stuck on a boat together soirée. or if it’s more convenient to forget your existence.

i get the 18 year old wants his family near him but that usually means a meal. not a week on a boat and he shouldn’t be hurting people in the process.

Exactly.

My step-mum would have said we were a happy blended family but weren't.

It's only since she's died I've felt able to be honest with my Dad and I'm glad she died to be honest because it's given me the opportunity to really get to know my Dad as two adults and to get close to him again.

Because we've actually had time to be alone together and focus on each other as Dad and daughter without having to worry she'd feel left out or her kids were being excluded.

I agree with posters who say your wife is really the one who has let you down. The DS is still navigating life and relationships as a youngster, but your wife should have said yes to a celebratory dinner or even a day out, but no to an entire week away on a yacht. Is she very passive generally?

I love all this people who say to the OP just accept it but it must hurt like hell... I feel very sorry for step parents to be honest because it seems to me that the children can always have it all ways. They have the parental love (which equally the step parents have to learn cos it's not like they are actually biologically their children), they have to make sure they are fully "at home" at the step parents house (even though that may mean that their own children have to make sacrifices on space and time and according to mums net they have to be left equally in the will and dealt totally evenly financially. There was one thread where people said a step parent should pay for school fees for a step child cos otherwise it wasn't "fair". This of course is even though according to most posters here they aren't "actual" family". Shit a brick it wouldn't do for me.

Agree with this comment from palrono
"Bio dad is a manipulative arse towards his ex wife. What the heck is wrong with a big night out somewhere, all the bio family, then SS could go ahead for a week on the yacht with his bio dad."

If it were me I would not have gone but that was your wife's choice.

(A week on a yaght with an ex sounds like a fucking nightmare to me!).

I honesty would not allow this to break up the family, this is just what the nasty ex might want.

The issue is your wife's ex. Plus step son sounds a bit spoilt.

Focus on all the kids and your wife once she is back, move beyond this. It is sad but does not erase 10 years of love and family.

It's because the adults have agency and the children don't. I feel a lot of sympathy for everyone involved here, but there's no getting round that OP and DW chose this and they imposed it on the children.

Additionally, having to live with the parent's new partner and their children is often rather a significant sacrifice for the kids, certainly not having it all ways. It seems like it might be that for at least some of the DC involved here.

Totally get why you are hurt.

I am another who would not be able to forgive my husband if he bowed to the manipulation and did this.

So sorry, your wife and her ex are behaving appallingly, and it’s doing their dc no good to think that they just have to stamp their feet and they get their way.

@Derkkk a number of responses have said your wife is responsible for this and you have not responded.
Yes, your stepson wanted it, her ex arranged it BUT she is the one who didn't shut it down at the start and disrespected you and your children. She has now jetted off for a week on a yacht with it seems no thought for the long term damage she has caused to different relationships. No more deflecting to your stepson and his father.

I agree, i think DW is just trying to make everyone happy, she probably hates the idea of going away with her ex. but in this scenario she couldn’t sacrifice her own needs enough to make the problem go away because someone was always going to end up hurt, so she’s opted not to ruin the birthday celebration.

I really don’t think this is the marriage-ending offence that some people think it is.

"During her pregnancy with their third child, he cheated on my wife multiple times. That's why she divorced him. He still wanted to be in a relationship with her afterward."

"There have been plenty of weekends when he didn't see them because of work or business trips.

Last year, the youngest child became seriously ill and was hospitalized for five days. Guess what? Their dad only visited once, even though he paid all the hospital bills. My wife and I were the ones who stayed with our child at the hospital the entire time."

He sounds like an utter cock and a terrible dad.

I hope your wife and you can continue to have a good relationship once this ill-conceived holiday extravaganza is over.

I think that divorced parents do, on important occasions for their child(ren), have to put the children's feelings above their own and those of their spouses.

100% this.

I'm amazed by the number of people in support of the wife - this is clearly on her for going along with this insane idea. I'd be absolutley seething if DH even considered doing something like that!

The ex is entitled to hire his yacht. The ds is entitled to think his great if would be if his “original” family reunited. And the dw can skip off in her bikini to an intimate yacht week with her ex - EXCEPT she is married and has constructed a “blended” family which she is now disregarding and may even bust apart.

I agree with others - no way would a man going off for a week with his ex be tolerated on MN.

Yeah you're throwing out more red flags here.

"My wife and I were the ones who stayed with our child' . Except he's not your child, he's your wife's child with her ex.

I think your DSS is pissed off with you describing his Dad as his biological Dad instead of just his Dad and describing him and his siblings as your children when they're not.

They have a Dad they love and sounds like you position yourself as the 'real Dad' because you do this or that for them and clearly think it's more than their Dad does and so they should see you as such.

You've had a rude awakening to find out DSS at least does not and will never see you as his Dad. But you're not and never will be.