My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

The stepson has managed this situation for 3,650-odd days - well over half his childhood. For his 18th birthday, he’s asked to spend just seven days with his biological parents and siblings. I don’t personally think it’s a big ask. OP has the rest of his life to spend with his wife and all their children. Surely the adults can put their feelings aside for a week and concentrate on giving the stepson a lovely birthday.

I read these threads and i think the term “mangled” would be so much more appropriate than “blended”

That's your decision of how you see your family.

But not everyone feels like that or should. My step-mum and her kids were never my family no matter how long she was married to my Dad.

And the DSS sees a difference between his actual family, his Mum, Dad and siblings and the step-dad and step-siblings that he didn't ask for or want.

And that's okay.

So is the OPs DD, she is articulating that her stepmum her kids are not kind of people she wants to be near or talk to. Remember that OP has kids that have had to deal with blending too.

Feel really sorry for you. And I would feel the same in your situation

This is true. She didn't choose this any more than any of the other kids and no doubt she was able to pick up on her DF being upset. I can well imagine that it'd be easier for a 17 year old in her position to get pissed off with her stepbrother than it would be for her to acknowledge that her father had agency and chose these risks not only for himself but for all the children involved.

I do think it's a good thing that OP is taking his own DC away for a trip now as well. Hopefully that will be a good experience for them.

I don’t disagree with some of the sentiments regarding blended families, which is why it’s not something I would have ever considered. This holiday however is bizarre. The yacht chartering ex is clearly a manipulative dickhead and the 18 year old son just needed telling no. It’s entirely unreasonable of him to expect his mother to holiday for a week with her ex husband, and he’s quite old enough to understand that. The decisions about the original and subsequent marriages were made, that can’t be changed, and going to extreme lengths now to try to make up for it should have been shut straight down because other people are involved and it’s cruel and unreasonable to everyone. For me this would be marriage threatening, likely marriage ending. It’s outrageous.

Genuinely wouldn't.

What sort of relationship does the DSS actually have with the biological dad? Is he the type who does not a lot, but just throws money at his son - this yacht trip being an example? Personally, I would blame the SD because he must have known this would cause division. It's all very well swooping in on the 18th birthday with some grandiose gesture to manipulate everyone isn't it?

I think your wife is totally out of order and this trip would just not have happened if the stepson’s Dad had had a partner.

Can you imagine the “new partner” wanting to holiday with the ex-wife? If the theoretical “new partner” had been asked to be excluded there is no way that Dad would have agreed to it.

Your DW should have made the right decision - not leave it up to the kids to decide.

I would not feel the same about my DH if he did this.

Two things here.

1. Your stepson is entitled to see his biological family as his actual family. No matter what, to him, they are.
2. The kids are old enough for your wife to tell them that divorced people don’t holiday together.

I’d be really unhappy if my husband went on a weeklong holiday with an ex. There’s simply no need for it.

If my oldest daughter wanted me to go on holiday with my ex because he's her biological father leaving my husband at home I'd be telling her it's a definite NO, I'd have thought anyone who was married would be the same, who wants to be on holiday with their ex for a week? Sometimes kids especially at 18 have to understand what's appropriate and what isn't.

He's 18, and divorce is hard.
He is being honest.
His father has been very deliberate here and your wife chose to lie about it all to you, to protect you?
I can understand that stinging.

I think you need to dial your upset down for your own children as it really won't help.

I think the line in the sand has been made by your wife and it will have set a precedence for all milestones going forward, for both children.

She has chosen her child over you and the family you have blended, allowing herself to be manipulated by her Ex.

Only you can decide can you accept this and move forward.

In your place if my husband did this, it would likely be marriage ending.
But only you can decide if you are prepared to tolerate this now that she has agreed to it.
Her son may have wanted it, but she chose to go.

I don't think your DSS is at fault here – he's young, he feels how he feels, and that's valid. He didn't ask for a blended family, and you can't really hold that against him.

Your wife, on the other hand, should have said she couldn't go on the trip with her ex husband – not without her now husband, anyway. There was obviously a lot of pressure on her to agree, which I can sympathise with, but the reality is they're not married anymore, and while that's shit for the kids, at this point they should've accepted that mum and dad celebrate them separately. Single or married again, parents can't be expected to holiday with their exes just because their children want them to be a family again. Life is, sadly, more complicated than that.

All you can do now though is figure out your wants around these boundaries going forward, and communicate them calmly – and hope that your wife will agree they're reasonable in future. Otherwise, I can see it might drive a wedge between you, and be a dealbreaker.

This is my view too. The SS is showing v little maturity here but it is for his mother to say a massive 'absolutely no way' from the outset and set expectations. It's her behaviour I would be giving major side eye to.

He is single!! As I said in my previous post, my wife and her ex had been together since high school because their families were very close. My wife's ex comes from a wealthy family.

During her pregnancy with their third child, he cheated on my wife multiple times. That's why she divorced him. He still wanted to be in a relationship with her afterward.

This ! Your wife does not respect you

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I am also a step parent and I do kind of get how this could make you feel. However, I think you are looking at this the wrong way. You won't find a kid of divorce who doesn't think their life would be magically improved by having their parents back together. My parents' marriage was awful, which I worked out a few years after they split but 13 year old me would have been delighted to go on holiday with the two of them, despite having a very close relationship with my stepfather who in all honesty has been more of a father to me than my dad.

It isn't logical or personal and I think you are the only person who can put the ship back on course. I suspect your daughter was advocating for you. She mustn't be put in this position.

He's also 17. He might look back and think he hasn't expressed himself as kindly as he could but don't wait for hindsight to kick in. Handle this yourself. Tell your daughter she doesn't need to fix this and mustn't hold a grudge. You don't have to all feel the same. Is his biological father not involved day to day? If so, I can completely see how the lure of a special nostalgia trip with just his mum and dad would stir up plenty of feelings, at a rather young and yet newly adult stage of life.

Your wife sounds scared of her children. My husband gets on fine with his ex but would not go on holiday with her at the whim of one of their kids. His ex wouldn't be keen either I suspect. We did go there every Christmas Day morning at the crack of dawn to open Father Christmas presents once we had a child and my daughter was a bit surprised when this stopped as her brother and sister got older.

Why has your wife gone? Can she not kindly say no to her children, not because you tell her to but because she wouldn't want to spend a week playing happy families with her ex.

Be super positive about this trip. Ask your step son if you can also celebrate in some way with him but don't be offended if he doesn't want to. It isn't a reflection of his esteem for you.

If you are not a kid of divorce yourself I feel it is really hard to understand the weird feelings this throws up at random points in your life. You don't need to be his dad-he's got one and you're other people's dads. You are absolutely right to treat them all the same-I hope I treat my daughter and step kids the same-but it isn't the same at all. As step parents I think we need to try to provide whatever support we are able to give and is well received and be a positive person in our step kids' lives and part of that is not taking any of this personally or feeling rejected. This doesn't sound like it's about you but about his dad who must be fairly unusual to be arranging a yacht trip with his ex.

Sorry for you. Lots of vitriolic posters not appreciating that for OP this is 1 week, for the stepson it is his entire life that he's been compromising, placating and appeasing people.

It is completely normal for children to want their biological parents (and siblings) there for special occasions and to exclude their stepparents.

The stepson isn’t going to care at all about OP withholding money.

All the more reason for the OP to make sure his ‘actual’ children get everything from him then.

Absolutely this. That was my own experience and I see it again and again in kids I teach. My stepfather was always kind to me, super generous, but wanted to be involved in everything. Result: I have always secretly disliked and resented him. He and my mum would say we were a happy family.
My stepmother was also kind, gave me less stuff, recognised the need to step back and let me have lots of time with dad without her. Result: I love and respect her and enjoy spending time with her as an adult.
I’m fortunate to be happily married, but if I’d divorced, I wouldn’t have remarried till my youngest was 18.

THIS. It is is entirely the step son’s prerogative. He has a very different view of the last decade to his step father

My stepson and his father have a good relationship. As I mentioned, he only gets to see his kids two weekends a month.

There have been plenty of weekends when he didn't see them because of work or business trips.

Last year, the youngest child became seriously ill and was hospitalized for five days. Guess what? Their dad only visited once, even though he paid all the hospital bills. My wife and I were the ones who stayed with our child at the hospital the entire time.

So you do not live in the UK?