AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

Just because that's what you inferred doesn't mean that's what I implied

If you can’t stand by your own comments that are right there in black and white then I can’t help you.

If you "put on an almost whopping 5 stone!!!" in your pregnancy, that was down to you.

You didn't need others to tell you weight gain was inevitable, if you were 'scoffing your face' and all the other phrases you used.

So they kept out of it, just as you need to keep out of your friend's business.

I did! We sat down and I said you look great.

Then we chatted for a bit and I told her at 3 weeks pp I still looked pregnant and couldn’t barely wash my hair, she looked amazing and I can’t believe she felt well enough to meet for a coffee and I can’t believe how fast she’s snapped back as you can’t even tell she’s had a baby.

I shouldn’t have said that but I was just amazed and trying to be nice lesson learnt!!

I have apologised and it’s moved on if you read my posts.

I literally do stand by my comments. I have explained my comment in great detail. If you still can't understand then I can't really help you.

Why the insistence that I'm doing something nasty? I said what i thought was quite a gentle 'hey she might have some issues around food' and you jump in with 'you're saying she has an EATING DISORDER' like not everything is that dramatic and mean spirited.

I've tried to explain to you that that's not what I was saying and you respond with 'you're BACKPEDALING and can't stand by your own comments!!!!!' Like why can't people just chill out and give people the benefit of the doubt? Nothing mean or negative was intended at all. The world must be a very bleak place from where you're standing

She unnecessarily took offence at something that was meant to be a compliment, but she is a new mum with all the attendant hormones and exhaustion.

It might have been better to shut down the conversation before it deteriorated, but on balance it sounds as if she is the one at fault here for being brittle and sanctimonious. The mitigation is she’s a new mum.

Naybe have a bit of a break, apologise and hopefully see her again when she’s calmed down a bit and it’s not all so fresh.

Oh look, and now I’m being mean? Honestly this victim hood is so tedious. Stand by your comments - don’t start playing the victim when you get called out on them.

What's her response been to your apology?

Ok I don't think you're actually reading anything that I'm saying so I'm done with this

Finally!

I would have thought most women would take 'snapping back' as a compliment. It doesn't take away from any of her efforts to stay healthy and not gain unnecessary weight during her pregnancy. She sounds unpleasant, with all her comments about other women gaining more than they should due to lack of willpower, etc—particularly given she knows you struggled with pregnancy weight yourself.

Yes, you probably shouldn't have mentioned it at all, but I think most women would take it as 'you look amazing' and just move on to the next topic.

Obviously the hormones will make her more sensitive to everything, but don't beat yourself up about it. You could have said a lot worse.

My Aunt was with me when I gave birth to my 2nd baby. Her exact words to me were "Wow those stretch marks are horrendous! I never had a single stretch mark with any of mine!"
Needless to say I chose a different birth partner to be with me for my 3rd baby, by which time my stretch marks were even more "horrendous".

So then why didnt you just tell her she looked great? going on about how she's snapped back into shape does sound very focused on her solely her weight.

I do sort of get why your friend might have been pissed off. One of my best friends is overweight and is constantly telling me how "lucky" I am to be slim but frankly, I am slim because I put in a lot of damn work. It's nothing to do with "luck"- I never eat desserts and I work out a lot. My friend chooses not to do that which is absolutely fine as we are all different. But its not "luck".

The snapped back thing makes it sound alien it was just luck rather than anything she’s done so I can certainly see how it’s caused offence to someone who has worked hard. Then to double down and argue with her when she was right and you were wrong just made it worse. She is correct the eating for 2 thing is a myth too

I 'snapped back' within days of all 3 of my pregnancies and it was luck, because I've never dieted or exercised in my life.

Did I feel insulted when the mums in the school playground mentioned it? No.

Did I feel chuffed that they'd mentioned it? Also no.

What I felt was incredibly awkward that I was standing there while a bunch of women discussed my body.

"You look great" really would've sufficed.

Same, although I think if it was something I’d worked very hard on I would probably have felt insulted rather than just uncomfortable

This is the best advice and can probably be widened to men and children also. The world would be a much better place if people weren't assessing the bodies of others against any criteria. Sorry, OP. I think you and the friend are on different pages. You almost sound disappointed that her body hasn't been outwardly ravaged more by pregnancy.

I only put on a little over a stone and had a 7lb 14oz baby. I came out of hospital in a pencil skirt (it was 1980 ). The reason was severe morning sickness which nobody seemed to care much about then so I could barely keep anything down for 8 months. My baby got bigger and I got thinner until the last month.

You were rude to say anything other than 'You look great'.

Leave it a few weeks. Then ask if she wants to meet for coffee. Don't mention weight and dont mention the disaster meeting or apologise. Sometimes apologising can stir things up and make it worse.

First post nails it.

So why didn't you say, wow, you look great, rather than the rather judgemental 'snapped back' whatever that means. Your friend has hormones all over the place and broken nights, was out for a nice coffee with a friend an gets judged about how she has returned to normal (as if she has, at 3 weeks) as though it is somehow wrong or selfish. Bit mean of you, OP.

Sometimes a comment is the right thing to do. A work colleague had her nose remodelled to balance her features.It seemed wrong to say nothing so privately I just said "you look fabulous" and she seemed very happy.

Mmm I get why youre offended but I guess you did make the comment first. I lost all the pregnancy weight within a couple of weeks of giving birth with all my pregancies, but I think that is largely due to a. genetics and luck and b. the fact my milk coming in always causes horrendous PP anxiety. I certainly didnt try to loose the weight and I would have much preferred to be in a better state of mind and finding it harder to loose the weight. You never know what other people are going through! Xx

I think it’s normal to be out this quickly. That mother ate normally, not for two, worked up until birth, exercised constantly in order to have a healthy and fit pregnancy.

Yes and plenty mums have to do the school run anyway.

Obviously not everyone can but coffee 3 weeks post birth isn’t at all unusual really.