AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

You would hate me as gained only a couple of pounds excluding babies, placentas and fluid. A month after the birth l was the slimmest l had been for over a decade. Plus not a single stretch mark and it was twins 🤣. But we tried for over 5 years, plenty of IVF and it was a stressful consultant led pregnancy so a very hard road

You were out of order with your friend and were inconsiderate She is right that no one needs to overeat in pregnancy

OP some of the replies are getting a bit mean, you've come to the right conclusion so do step away if you don't want to read the nastiness x

You’ve said about how she kept fit and gained little weight in pregnancy - was this something you were expressing to her?

Weight is clearly a sensitive subject for you, and I suspect this may not be the first time you’ve passed comment on her body, before, during, and after pregnancy.

Whilst ‘you’ve snapped back’ can be complimentary, it can also absolutely be used as oblique criticism by someone who wants plausible deniability. The wider context is important, and tone and body language are also relevant in discerning how something is intended. She obviously didn’t think you meant it as a compliment, and for all anyone here knows she was correct.

Friend has responded to the text and all is good (I hope).

I probably wouldn’t have reacted in the same way she did but I do realise I massively put my foot in it. Obviously I don’t know how tough she had it trying to keep her weight down. I put on an almost whopping 5 stone!!! During my pregnancy and nobody said anything and I wish they did. I really do wish I exercised a bit more self control but I couldn’t stop eating. I think this is why it hit a nerve.

I don’t know how I’d have been able to do if I was constantly being monitored by health care professionals about it. I actually felt everyone was really encouraging of my over eating “oh have another one you’re pregnant” and it evidentially did me no good as it took me about 4 years to lose the weight.

YANBU. She sounds insecure and nasty. You gave her a compliment, she turned it on its head and then went on a rant. Still, she would fit in well on here.

This, entirely this! Why on earth would you comment on someone else’s weight? Poor form. And then you doubled down.

Exactly. So many posters do this on MN these days and it’s so annoying. They get annoyed at being called out on the comments they make and then try and flip it and call other posters rude/antagonistic/bullies/mean etc. I would have so much more respect for posters like this if they stood behind their points instead of trying to play the victim when they get called out.

Yikes, yet to read the full thread but YABVU. No wonder she retorted because you started it with the ‘clumsy’ comments on her appearance and weight. Very personal and rude comments.

It sounds like you kept digging yourself a deeper hole you’d have been better stfu and changing the subject.

I was bedbound in pregnancy and my muscles so weak I couldn't even walk or sit up afterwards! I agree you shouldn't be commenting on a postpartum woman's body but she was definitely lucky to "snap back" as you call it.

My body has always returned to weight/fitness after about a year, but yeah not everyone has the same challenges in pregnancy. I have permanently damaged my feet by trying my best to walk to the bathroom rather than in a wheelchair while heavily pregnant. Not everyone can stay in shape when they're preggers!

Again you’re missing the point OP. You wish other people had held you to account for your overeating? That’s not how it works. It’s clear that weight is a trigger for you, I think you need to work on resolving that rather than pushing that onto your friends.

She’s got a 3 week old baby so is probably running on little sleep and her hormones are running wild. Apologise you upset her and move on. She probably feels as bad about her comments as you do about yours.

Sorry to say OP but I agree with this. I just never say anything. I know it came from a good place but you may have little idea what she’s been through

What on earth are you talking about? I'm happy to stand by my points, you just didn't understand them. I'm happy to explain it if you need it explained.

I said she has some issues with food and diet culture. The friend made comments basically saying that women who put on weight during pregnancy do it purely because of a lack of self control and because they stuff their face with McDonald's.

Firstly, there are reasons a woman might put on weight during pregnancy that aren't to do with diet (which I said but then you said that's not the point...?) Secondly, the idea that they're not only eating too many calories but 'stuffing their face with McDonald's' is clearly said with a lot of judgement.

Judging other people for the way they eat and making sweeping generalisations like this is not a healthy behaviour, especially if you're judging PREGNANT WOMEN. Often, if someone has strongly judgemental views towards the way others eat, they will have these same judgements towards themselves. So if for example they gave in to a craving and ate something unhealthy, this may lead to them having feelings of shame and self loathing. This is an unhealthy relationship with food created by diet culture.

I will reiterate, eating healthily itself is fine and great. It is the thought patterns and value judgements that creates an unhealthy relationship. So a person can have an unhealthy relationship with food even if they are healthy. This does not necessarily mean they have a full blown eating disorder.

I don't think there anything controversial about any of the above.

If I’m being honest I was stuffing my face with McDonald’s (hence 5 stone weight gain) and as far as I know she doesn’t have any eating issues, was just advised by the doctor to not gain anything other than minimal weight.

Doesn't really matter at this point, I made a fairly offhand comment saying sounds like she has some issues but she was vulnerable so I wouldn't have said anything, and some people have absolutely jumped down my throat for it for some reason

I would have been bloody delighted if somebody said I had snapped back ( I didn't) .

There you go @glitterpaperchain - the OP herself has cleared it up for you.

Right, so the problem here is she was absolutely correct about you being a greedy pig but you thought you’d comment on her body through jealousy, and can’t take it when she saw through that and snapped. Lesson learned here.

What OP said is irrelevant to the point I was making, I don't know how to have a conversation with someone who doesn't understand anything I say

Absolutely not jealous!

This is just a plain nasty thing to say

Most people would be chuffed at that comment. She’s being sensitive and OTT. I guess your hormones are all over the place early days.

This backpedaling is so tedious. You insinuated her friend has an eating disorder. I (and other posters) disagreed with you. And the OP herself has clarified that that is not the case. Why is that so hard for you to understand or accept?

Then why didn't you just say she looked great? And left it at that? I can understand you feeling jealous that you had to work really hard to lose your pregnancy weight. But that's not her problem. She clearly had issues antenatally and she's only 3 weeks postpartum. I'd apologise. If you value the friendship.