AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

It will be awkward if you have children with him. Your son will be very much second best.
I didnt date anyone until my son was grown up. I didnt want DS to feel second best or unwanted.

Also op, since he doesn’t see you as a family, as is his right 2 years in to a relationship, it was quite unfair of you on your son, to move him in to your home so that they are establishing a relationship, when you should have worked out sooner that he just sees you as a girlfriend. When this ends, and that could come from either of you, your ds will be quite confused.

Care of your DC should be managed between you and his dad. You need to change the arrangements order if it’s not working.

I would not expect a partner to take on a parenting role for my DC. I also wouldn’t leave my DC with them even if they offered because you can never really 100% know someone.

As someone with very low self worth, these type of posts always intrigue me. You’re a single parent with a modest job. Your boyfriend has a career he’s studied years to achieve and a good career trajectory. What level of self confidence do you have to possess to think that you’re getting a bad deal here because he won’t parent your child, of whom incidentally you only have 50% care.

Have you any idea how much enhancements are worth over a weekend? I know lots of people working in the NHS and other jobs, who won't give up their weekend working.
@Mummsymun he's picked to live with you, not to be a family. He isn't interested in your DS, or life with a young child. There's a poster on here who has just ended her marriage. For some reason she never got her head around that her DD, was viewed as her's, not family. When a child gets to around 10, they are aware and upset by that. So I take it DP's family aren't involved either? If you have a child with him, there will be a complete difference in how they are treated, funded and inheritance. It sounds to me that you'll do, for now.

Whose house are you all living in?

If you want a break, a lie in, support with your child at the weekend, speak to your child's father about it and get him to step up at weekends. The failing of his dad not stepping up at weekends is not your boyfriends fault or responsibility. If you agreed to having him every weekend then suck it up or find some other man to play daddy.

If you aren't happy why don't you ask your ex to have your child say one weekend a month and you have them mon - fri

I think the key is compromise? Are you in a committed relationship? If so, he needs to spend some family time with you/son and some time doing what he pleases.

Ultimately son is your responsibility and not his. Does he want to be in this family unit? Maybe not. Time for a discussion on your future I think.

I can't see how having a child together would be a good idea, as your DS would clearly be treated differently.

Your DP is not wrong in that your DS is your responsibility, but IMO, if you move in with someone who has children, then you do need to accept the fact you become a step-parent, and with that comes "family time" and actually doing things with/for the DC.

You both need to have a serious talk about your future as a couple/family.

You are being totally unreasonable. Your child isn’t DPs. He doesn’t have to get up early and look after him or give up any of his freedoms to do family things. He doesn’t have any children.

I’ve told him if we have children I’ll be having lie ins and he can do all the get ups like I’ve been doing now!

This would be very unreasonable of you as that would be a shared child. I do think it would be nice if your DP could let you have a lay in occasionally and get up with you son, however, he’s made it clear he won’t. Do I think he’s a little bit of a dick to seemingly not be considerate? Yes BUT it’s still your child and not his and therefore solely your responsibility. If he doesn’t want to help/do more then you either accept is graciously or go your separate ways.

I think you have a lot of resentment for your DP and you are storing up problems for the future. It wouldn’t be wise to have a child together as sounds like you would just use them to ‘point score’ which frankly isn’t acceptable.

i think you should speak with DS dad and see if you can swap arrangements so you get some weekend days to do adult things.

It might not quite be 35 hours a week but it’s certainly not part tIme as in a 16-20 hour job! And as I said, I don’t know any TA that rolled in at their start time and then buggered off at 3.30.

YANBU at all - either he's a part of the family and acts like it, or he doesn't get to live with you.

I had a disinterested "step father" and his rejection (though present in the house every day) was horrendous for my and my dsis's self-esteem. Kids blame themselves, they believe they're simply not good enough.

This could have a terrible effect on your son.

YABU.

He’s not your son’s parent and isn’t going to assume that responsibility. You’re being unreasonable to expect that from
him, and unreasonable to resent him having more free time. Of course he has more than you, he doesn’t have a child.

A&E doctors are one of the most stressful occupations out there. Constant string of patients in various states, pressure, NHS underfunding, people dying while you're trying to save them. A&E doctors are at higher risk of burnout and even suicide.

Normally I would say he needs to pull his weight around the house but in this case let the man rest and recover from what he's seen all day

But that isn't his dc? He isn't who you are co-parenting with. This sounds like a pretty appropriate step-parent relationship to me.

If you want to reduce how much you care for your ds, you need to see if his df is willing to become the main carer I guess.

Child’s father already does more than 50%

Sure. But "part time" doesn't mean half full time hours, just less than full time hours. Which this is. Especially annualised given the 13 weeks off a year

I think you’ll find that these types of posters are the CFs we hear lots about 😂

Sorry OP but I think you are bring massively unreasonable. DS is your responsibility not your DPs.

you get loads of free time when DS is with his dad. And sounds like you do have some family time with Dp at the weekend.

DP has every right to want to see friends as well as spending time with you and your DS.

what do you do with your time when DS is at his dads?

I hope @NewDogOwner OP doesn’t have another child with this man. His DS lives with him. So…if he becomes dad of the year to his own child then it is going to be awful for his DS.
But I imagine he will just be hands off with all of them.

Sounds like you need to talk to him about what his boundaries are? You can sort it out if you communicate clearly. Use weekend to enjoy time with your kid, groups, trips out cause he's making it rightly clear he's not there to take on responsibility. But, you can have a discussion around expectations I. E. Your Parent rushed to hospital, will he watch kid then? If your extremely sick, will he watch over them? If he's in your house you really should know his level of commitment or care. If he's just wanting to be your partner 50% of the time, you need to be honest about how it's making you feel and if it's working for you.
If your getting his meals and clothes ready around his free weekend you need to think what signals your sending out also

I think he's being honest but it sounds harsh because it probably doesn't fit with your idea of what you want your life together to be like. As others have said he has a gf with a child. He likes the child, he's kind to him but he's not his dad. Your child already has a dad. I appreciate that it's hurtful to think that he doesn't want to spend all his time with you and your child and it may be that this isn't the bloke for you at the end of the day.

My self esteem is fine but I still think exactly this 😆