AIBU to be cross about school dismissing my daughter's severe periods?

[Meetmeinlove]

My DD 14 has horrendous periods- I suspect she might have PMDD which I also have. Her mood is terrible in the run up, can barely move for the first day, often throws up, is doubled over with cramps and it also often triggers migraines too. She often can’t get out of bed for a day- and this is with ibuprofen and paracetemol together.

It’s virtually impossible to get her to school- I have tried but she’s often too unwell. Last month she also leaked through her clothes and we had to pick her up as she was so distressed and embarrassed.

The school have said that they don’t view periods as a reason for a day off. I have tried to explain that DDs are severe but they said to me ‘periods can be treated with an ibuprofen’.

I would add that the medical team at school have also not been helpful at all and have at times refused to give her ibuprofen even with my permission. It all feels ridiculous. I think the way they have handled it has made her less keen to go in when she has her period as they handled the leak issue terribly and she was hysterical when we collected her. (They were very unsympathetic and wouldn’t let her ring home etc- tried to send her back to class and get her to wear someone else’s
clothes that didn’t fit properly- it just made things worse)

I think it’s probably PMDD- I have had it for years and it wasn’t diagnosed until much later for me - it’s been awful though and does need careful management particularly around mood. I have had suicidal ideation with it and don’t want my DD to go through that too.

Aibu to be cross at the schools stance though- I will have to get a proper doctors note I think but I think my annoyance comes from the general ‘take an ibuprofen and get on with it’ dismissive attitude when DD is genuinely unwell with it and I have explained this to them on multiple occasions.

I am not going to add to the suggestions about seeking medical advice etc.

Some young women at school lying about periods and their impact, especially to avoid sport, has not helped. Gives those who don't understand or care about women's gynaecological issues ammunition to ignore them or not take them seriously.

You're getting me confused with @FeralWoman. My dd is 9. And yes, as described earlier, we are well known to camhs and have undertaken all other interventions.

Why does that paragraph make you angry? Is endo the same as a normal period? The school aren't saying that a diagnosed medical condition should just be treated with painkillers. They're saying normal periods can be treated with painkillers. Are they wrong?

Ok

The school says they can be treated with ibuprofen (which isn’t really true) and then confiscate her ibuprofen. Complete BS.

What are heavy periods? https://share.google/oe15dAfQOMYn65em2 there's some useful tips in here on what to think about before a GP appointment

my mother didn’t take my periods seriously. Turns out I’ve been anaemic for decades, getting progressively sicker until I was forced to stop and take a break.
I also have PMDD and chronic menorrhagia, with debilitating migraines and dealing with all that and a lack of compassion made school a nightmare.
Please do the right thing and stand up for your daughter so she doesn’t have to go through what I have as a child, teen and now an adult!

Could you get a doctors note? That should be enough for the school to authorise days off for her period

Been there with my dd, needed a solution before GCSEs due to time off with cramps and migraines.

In brief, she had blood tests and ultrasound scans to check for underlying issues.
Nothing was found. She's been taking zaletta mini pill and mefenamic acid which has helped a lot.

Find a helpful GP ( interestingly, not always the female ones) and insist.

No advise but navigating the same and really pisssed off at the school.

No, the school says normal period pains can be treated with ibuprofen. This is correct. Are you suggesting all women who have periods should have special adjustments?

The school have said nothing about anyone with a diagnosed medical condition relating to their periods.

The school are ignoring the medical reports from a doctor?

Many teen girls will have endometriosis or other conditions that will not yet be known about, probably til they’re in their 20s if they’re one of the ‘lucky’ ones, probably more likely to be in their 30s. Schools need to realise this. Even when they’re told that ibuprofen doesn’t work, schools don’t listen, that’s the point. They only care about their attendance figures.
.

It’s not uncommon. It happened in my friends daughters case for her periods.

My son had some health issues that started in year 10. He had a letter from the GP and 2 from hospital consultants. We were still harassed about his attendance.

Is it possible for you to just go private straight away op? Might save years of trial and error with the gp. Unfortunately I've found very few actually take this seriously.

Many of the pills never worked for me particularly because I would be throwing up. What has helped is having children although my periods are not a walk in the park at least as an adult I can wfh and manage them. I just had days off at school because it was no environment to be in. Because I'd be throwing up all sorts of rumours would go around that I was pregnant or bulimic/bled through my clothes- having a miscarriage. School was just awful with understanding it.
University and work have been far more accommodating.
So sorry for your daughter I really hope there's a solution for her soon.

Definitely seek medical help but to be honest so many GPs are shockingly ignorant when it comes to women's reproductive health. They also tend to treat the symptoms (e.g. painkillers for pain) rather than the underlying issues (e.g. hormonal imbalance).

I recommend reading 'the fifth vital sign' by Lisa Hendrickson for a very clear explanation of what can be done to support issues such as pmdd or endometriosis and at least make them a bit more bearable.

Once again, attendance is an issue for the Department of Education, it's their targets you seem to have a problem with. Schools don't set these targets. Schools are required to meet these targets. You appear to be annoyed at the DfE and blaming schools.

Similarly, if there is a lack of diagnosis, this is an issue with access to medical treatment. Schools don't provide medical treatment, doctors and hospitals are responsible for this. Why are you angry at schools for something that seems to be a problem within the NHS?

Unfortunately, teachers (who aren't medically trained, oddly enough we're trained to teach) can't 'realise' or make judgements about things that we're entirely ignorant of. The only way this would work is if we automatically believed the truth of everything a child said to us. Can you see how problematic this would turn out to be?

You are very accepting of the GP wanting her to wait and see but not accepting the schools view to to attend.

You need to ask for a gynae referral and help your DD. We all know GP"s don't tend to take women's health serious but you need to advocate for her.

She's only 14 now but coming into her GCSE years. She can't afford to miss a couple of days school every month as she'll fall behind.

My DD had ovarian cysts and suspected endometriosis at 14, started on the Pill which massively helped. After her GCSE has summer she had surgery - no endo thankfully and the Pill stopped the cysts. We're still trying to find out the cause of her pain but at least she managed to attend school, GCSE and prom.

Please don't let the GP fob you off. How do you expect the school to take this seriously if the GP isn't.

Because on average it takes 9 years to diagnose endometriosis in the uk so until that point women and girls have to listen to multiple people saying its just a period we all have them just take an ibuprofen and get on with it

It's extremely uncommon, all medical reports result in an updated learning plan. Just because a learning plan doesn't reflect the parents / carers wishes doesn't mean the medical report has been ignored.

Once again, attendance is nothing to do with school. Not being able to access school due to a medical condition becomes an issue for the local authority to resolve.

Oh OP I am so sorry for your DD and the shitty school! My DD17 has awful periods too so just wanted to say the period pants actually stop her leaking through, she uses the Modibodi heavy flow 24 hour ones. They definitely don’t last 24 hours but they do get her through a day.

You need to see your gp, it sounds like it could be endometriosis. It is ridiculous that the school in this day and age doesn’t understand. Perhaps the gp could provide a letter explaining her symptoms and the fact that her periods are not ‘normal’. They also might prescribe better medication for treating her symptoms. As someone who has suffered for years, i empathise.

Again, this is an issue of healthcare, not education.

The problem is that schools can't be expected to solve every problem in society and if they don't then they're bad:

Long wait for CAMHS - schools should pick up the pieces
Employers not providing reasonable adjustments for parents / carers - schools should offer more 'childcare'
Issues on SM or in the community - schools should police children informally
Unmet health needs - schools should adapt

Basically, just because someone's a child doesn't mean that everything associated with their childhood becomes something that schools are responsible for.

School staff are people living in the real world. They know that girls can have conditions that won’t be diagnosed yet, so they could maybe, just maybe, choose to treat those girls and parents like human beings and push back against unattainable targets for some humans when a they are aware of problems with other services.

Schools don’t care whether they have only the child’s word for it, their parents, a GP or hospital consultant’s letter in my experience for many health issues. I
See my previous posts about a girl with period issues and my son with other heath issues, both had medical evidence.

In my son’s case, we had numerous meetings with the school, my son’s consultant ended up speaking to the pastoral leader over the phone! We were still harassed about attendance. Schools are failing kids.

DD was similar through her secondary school years: cramps, nausea, vomiting, headaches, mental health impact. She missed a huge amount of time at school due to horrendous periods, even with mefenamic acid.

She eventually worked out that avoiding sugar and caffeine in the run-up to and during her period helped a bit too, but the only thing that finally sorted it was being fitted with an IUD (like the Mirena coil) when she was in her late teens. She still gets periods, but they are much lighter, and with none of the really bad symptoms she had when she was younger.