AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

Fine, but if you don't want to host, don't accept invitations. It's confusing for the person who is trying to get to know you.

Maybe they just don’t like you… nobody gets on with everyone

Hi OP, you sound lovely and you're not unreasonable to feel upset by this but you maybe are unreasonable to have any expectations of other people. If you invite people over, I don't think you should treat this as an obligation for them to reciprocate. I enjoy hosting and would hate my friends to feel like they have to do the same as some people simply don't enough that.

The main issue is about accepting that not everyone will click with you and want to be your friend. I've experienced this sort of thing and I understand why you feel the way you do but I'm much more selective now about who I want to spend my time with. I have about 3 close friends and a similar number of "mum friends" whom I would choose to spend my free time with. Outside of that I like to keep some down time just for us and it's nothing personal against those other people that I just don't prioritise. Not everyone is my cup of tea and I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's ok.

Oh well, they can be confused then. I'm not obliged to tell a total stranger the issues I have that mean I'm uncomfortable hosting - and if they feel resentful over something they know nothing about, they're probably not people I'd care to be friends with in the first place.

When we moved in here some 30 years ago, the estate was a newish build, the people who sold it to us three years earlier has bought it off plan. When we met the neighbours it was mentioned that the "tradition" was to go house to house for drinks on Christmas day. Now we were never social butterflies and because my DH and I were often on an oil tanker at christmas, we had a longstanding tradition of having christmas alone doing exactly what we wanted. Visits were made after Christmas. This was autumn so when it was mentioned again, we just said we had already made plans and that was that.....yes well intentioned but yes awkward....

I think not reciprocating is a perfectly clear message.

Sorry OP but whilst I can see why this is upsetting you can’t force people to be friends with you. You have gone to a lot of effort and that’s lovely but that doesn’t mean it has to be reciprocated. I’ve been invited for coffee etc by neighbours but I’ve never taken it up. I barely have the time to fit in my husband and my kids around work and I’m happy with the few close friends I’ve known for years. So maybe they are too and it’s not about you at all?

I think doing this at a time of a festival is different, and I agree that it’s lovely to do so. But the op mentioned doing it ‘often’, which is a different thing altogether and could quickly become overbearing and unwelcome.

I’m sorry you feel this way. It’s their loss, I would love to have a warm and welcoming neighbour such as yourself. I am white British and my family would and I do exactly what you do by being welcoming so it’s not always that it’s a cultural thing that they are not social to you. They are just twats.

so if I don't want to be a friend to somebody that makes me a twat? Are there people who you don't click with or are you friends with the whole world?

People aren't "twats" just because they don't want to be friends with other people.

Impossible to say on the race issue - I wouldn't want to undermine it because it is a possibility, but wouldn't want to just point to that when it might not be!

Many of these types of friendships are forged on habit and convenience - they're already in each other's orbit, so it is both habitaul contact and convenient when there are already other established ties. Take either of those factors away (e.g. moving house or kids moving to different senior schools) and the friendship usually dissipates.

Really sorry to hear that OP and I do understand as have had a similar situation with new neighbours. Neighbours are always keen to come to our house parties but we’ve never been invited in for so much as a cup of tea. DH and I eventually came to the conclusion that they’re all a load of freeloaders and we now don’t care. We won’t be inviting them to anything in future even though the CF’s said they said they love coming to our house. I suggest you leave them to it as they’re not worth your time and effort.

These people (the OP's neighbours) may not be twats, but it's a bit odd that the ONLY family the OP's neighbour is shunning is the non-white family though. 🤔

@Crazyymumof4 I'm sorry these people have made you feel shit, when you have done nothing but be friendly and warm. To hell with them, just be cordial/polite when you see them, but stop bothering with them. They don't deserve you!

It could well be a racial issue but equally it could be that they've just gravitated towards people they have more in common with.

We used to think our neighbours sent us food because it was simply their culture. Then we realised it was because we are old. (Salutary realisation). However we love their food. We don’t reciprocate frequently any more but we do make sure we give them traditional Christian treats at Christmas and Easter ( always making sure it is Halal, of course ). Generally speaking British people are more reserved than Asians so it can be difficult to get the right balance. Just continue to be friendly and invite them in for a cup of coffee, one at a time. Who knows, there might be one of them that eventually clicks with you.

I am going to be completely honest and say its more likely to be your religion rather than race. It's their loss as you sound like lovely neighbours to have. Hope they move and someone else moves in.

It could very well be a race thing honestly. Im white, partner is Indian. Our twins go to a predominantly Asian school. I thought I’d made friends with a Muslim lady. We talked about play dates etc. until she made friends with other Muslim ladies. Now she doesn’t even let on. It’s hurtful but I’m not overthinking it. Try not to let it bother you. You sound like a lovely person. I wish you were my neighbour!

The op asked for our opinions, this is my opinion of the many opinions on here.

Why is my opinion so insulting to you? Why are you taking my opinion so personally? None of the opinions on here are factual. They are all merely opinions. 😘

Thank you for your opinion. Is this not what this thread is for? Is that not what the whole of mumsnet really is? A place for opinions, you don’t have to agree with my opinion I have not said it is factual or quoted any research to prove it fact. I don’t know the people, I don’t care to know the people. You have your opinion I have mine. 😘

can anyone else hear the reversing beeper?

I don't get it.

For someone who supposedly likes to give their opinion, you don't seem to be able to cope very well when people disagree with you or call you out on it.

😅😅😅😅 How have I disagreed?? If I was disagreeing I would say your opinion is wrong and you are wrong. I have neither agreed nor disagreed with you.

I take no insult. I accept your opinion.

Some people like me, some don’t, they may and can think I’m a twat or a b* that’s life, we move on. You have argued on my opinion not I on yours. I don’t even know what your actual opinion is nor do I even care.