AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

I don't want to be besties with my neighbours.
i am polite
would have accepted invite out of good manners
babies are still young you might still become closer friends when then start moving!
let it see how it progresses

I agree and I don’t mind people bringing food around at all.

I think it’s just a case of trying to help OP understand the cultural dissonance.

What a shame - you sound like a lovely neighbour. I wouldn’t take it personally though.

I don't get why people always have to turn things around on the original poster on Mumsnet

I think this is probably one of the least attacking and genuinely helpful threads I’ve seen on Mumsnet in an age. Very few, if any are ‘turning this around on the original poster’, in any way other than helpfully. The OP has set out her history with these neighbours and has asked for our opinions and people are telling her why they think the neighbours aren’t doing what she wants. Pointing out things we might do differently isn’t a vicious act, just as only ever agreeing with someone is often not helpful.

What a lot of us have said is that we would find the intensity of the OPs actions off putting and would be wary of building a friendship, might not be looking for the type of friendship the OP is after and might struggle to know how to react to someone who keeps bringing over food we didn’t ask for and don’t want. Nothing in that is an attack, it’s merely pointing out that people are different.

YANBU.

A lot of people on Mumsnet seem to think it’s unusual to be kind to people, but it’s not.

I’m sorry your neighbours are like that.

its difficult....I mean how do you respond to people who are doing things for/to that you don't want them to to....that might even make you feel uncomfortable? Surely the politest gentlest way is to not reciprocate?

Why would someone being kind to you make you uncomfortable?

I don't think you should bring race into it. Maybe they just don't like you?
And thats ok, they are not obliged to like you.

Because it feels like an obligation to reciprocate.

Indeed, are they being kind with no expectation of return or secretly wanting something be it friendship, companionship etc.
A lot of kindness isnt genuine kindness so much as kindness with a hidden agenda

I think that’s on you though. If that’s how you act - giving kindness because you want it back, you’ll see others like that.

Where did I say that's how I acted?

All I'm saying is that if someone I didn't know repeatedly gave me food I hadn't asked for and didn't want, I would feel uncomfortable and like they expected something similar in return.

School is the likely factor. We experience very much the same. Most children in our street go to 1 of the primaries, which was oversubscribed when we moved to the village mid reception year. Mine go to the other primary and do have a few friends in the street/next street. The one which stands out is the girl who goes to a private school, she starts earlier and finishes later, does all her extra curricular through school rather than local Brownies, dance class, football etc

Is there a reason why your child goes to a different school?

It could be a simple cultural difference OP, in that a lot of people just let a neighbourly relationship develop slowly over time. I had lovely Bangladeshi Muslim neighbours once who were very generous with food, so I am aware that it can be a way of being neighbourly, but maybe your new neighbours found it all a bit intense and fast. They may want to just relax into making friends at a slower pace. All the same it does seem unfriendly of her to not reciprocate at all with coffee, etc.💗

My dad made really really good friends with another elderly gentleman, who happened to be Asian.
They spent a lot of time together but my dad just wouldn’t go to his friend’s house and meet his wife.
The whole problem was my dad was terrified of being offered spicy food. He didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Sometimes my dad’s friend would drop off delicious food that his wife had made to our house. Everyone apart from my dad was delighted to receive it. My dad was just too embarrassed to admit that he would only eat traditional home cooked Irish food. Maybe it’s something like that?
I wish you were our neighbour.
By the way all this was forty years ago so maybe not relevant!

It's not unreasonable to feel a bit sad, and I think they're rude not dropping you some flowers or a thank you card BUT you can't force people to be your friends. Maybe they didn't get the vibe or maybe they want their kids to bond with people at their school or maybe they just didn't like something you did or said/you're not for them.
Of course you did the right thing and made a lovely effort, and maybe they would have gelled with you and gone away thinking "they're lovely let's invite them back" but sadly that's not what they thought. None of that is your fault, but it is what it is. It's the equivalent of a guy taking a girl out, paying for dinner and then demanding a 2nd date because he went to the effort in round one- that's not how relationships with people work, and if they don't feel you're for them, and don't fancy hanging round with you, it's a shame but there's nothing you can do to change their minds!
We invited our new neighbours over 8 months ago, never got invited back, I say Hi in the street but that's it - we are all the same race and culture, but they clearly just didn't like me that much, which is absolutely fair enough. We all only have a small amount of spare time to see friends, I always try and dedicate it to people I really really enjoy seeing and want to be friends with. I suspect these neighbours are the same. Their loss, I'm sure you're lovely and you sound very friendly and generous. Try not to worry about it.

We all only have a small amount of spare time to see friends, I always try and dedicate it to people I really really enjoy seeing and want to be friends with. I suspect these neighbours are the same. Their loss, I'm sure you're lovely and you sound very friendly and generous.

Its very likely this. The race thing is only relevant in that people aren’t massively comfortable with being gifted food in our society.

I think its the expectation of obligation which will have scared them off. Time poor people guard their spare time very jealously and if others threaten to impinge on it we throw barriers up. Its a bit shit really but sometimes its the only way to protect your sanity.

Oh my goodness!!!! How horrible. Because of BLM you now avoid and dislike people of colour because that’s what they deserve.

indeed- repeatedly giving someone something they hadn’t asked for and had shown no indication of wanting, isn’t exactly kind.

If this was me, I’d hate it because I have medical issues which restrict what I can eat, yet I would have no wish to discuss my health with a new neighbour, also I’d wonder about how the neighbour’s food hygiene was- is theirs a kitchen with a cat walking on the counters, with dogs slobbering on dishes in the dishwasher, is there a litter tray in the kitchen that goes unemptied for days etc etc.

Nobody knows whether it is to do with race or not, but as a neighbour I’d be avoiding you as you seem a bit too OTT for me. I don’t want my neighbours bringing round their leftover food. I’m not a “we must have coffee” person. Sure, let’s get the kids together for a play date etc, but anything other than that isn’t for me.

I’ll be honest, I’d struggle with this as well. But, the rest of my household would love it!

because in this case, the OP is expecting some kind of reciprocation and is hurt when she doesn't get it. If she wasn't feeling hurt, she wouldn't have posted.

Well in this case, as I have said they are giving food/offering invitations that the neighbour doesn't want....and its evident from her post that she does expect reciprocation and is hurt when she doesn't get it. That is not a criticism of the OP at all but she is asking for advice and I think its only right to gently and politely comment.

I think she’s just confused about why they’re being so rude

The op has said she’s upset she’s not friends or been invited out so she was expecting something back