AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

Oh you sound lovely,
it could be that they are busy , stressed out and networking with the other school parents so they can share school runs + after school activity drop offs and pick ups ?
so they don’t have the capacity for new friends?
I have experienced this to an extent when my youngest had to go to a different school ( SEN )
I had absolutely no mum friends from her new school at all ( even though many were actually SAHM they were not all in full time employment) and the friends I had made at her old school, well a few ( not all ) didn’t bother any more because I wasn’t doing the drop offs and pick ups I used to do .
Also meet ups do tend to be very low key here , meeting in a coffee shop or having people round for tea / coffee and maybe some cake 🍰 I would be quite taken aback if someone cooked a full meal for me

Nobody is being rude, though.

Inviting someone for lunch or bringing them food doesn't make them obligated to do something similar for you in return.

so what in your opinion would not be rude?

@Crazyymumof4, you don’t say anywhere whether you really liked this family — or presumably you mean the SAHM/working mother still on maternity leave, as that who you seem to be talking about when you reference coffee and ‘getting the babies together’? Do you even like her and want to be friends with her?

But no one’s being rude. No one rejected her food offerings or told her they’d rather watch paint dry than have coffee with her. No one owes you friendship, even if you’re the nicest person in the world.

Maybe your cooking isn't to their taste so they don't want to cook for you.
Maybe the parents are stressed with moving and all that and are comparing themselves to you, who seems well capable with a new baby.
I would hate cooking for somebody and so wouldn't like to be invited to somebody's house for dinner.

I’ve been in a similar situation, in my case it was moving from the city to a rural area, I didn’t know anyone and would of appreciated the friendship of our neighbour and in law family members who had children the same age and thought it strange that despite this there wasn’t the enthusiasm for friendship given our similar circumstances/proximity. Looking back and knowing the community now I can see why, they were a superficially friendly but very insular community, just having kids the same age didn’t carry any weight compared to the connections they had spanning back generations. Culturally too I can see they would have perceived me as quite different. I’d also come into their family/community as a previously single mother, I didn't drive or own my own house, all relatively uncommon in their community at that time not to mention a range of other ways which were unusual in their community at the time but quite normal in London where I’d come from such as breastfeeding, buying wooden toys as presents for their kids birthdays rather than just a barbie etc. I can see why they didn’t see me as quite the same as them. Ironically I’m now the one happily married with a nice house plus a good job etc whereas the circumstances of some of those who used to look down on me have changed. To give them credit their views have too and have been able to strike up a friendship with them over time but most of the close friends I made were with people who were originally from or had lived in more diverse areas and the odd local just hit it off really well with

Im asian and I hate this food giving, presents for every situation thing. I dont have time to reciprocate and it turns the relationship into a transactional one. I want a friendship becuase of the person not the tubs of food.
(Also im yet to taste any food that is actually nice)

Do you go on about your religion/culture quite a lot? I have an Asian friend who brings it up in every conversation and I’ve started distancing myself.

I think most people would be hurt, OP. You offered them friendship and they in effect refused it. Maybe there is an element of racism, but not necessarily, their kids may simply have made friends at school which led to a closer connection . Anyway, they've been rude, which is hurtful. It's tough for you. I hope you have other friends locally.

My next door neighbour is a different race. The neighbour opposite is white (as am I). We all moved in at the same time on a new estate and all have kids of similar ages, but mine and nnd's kids go to the same school whereas the child opposite goes to a different school.
We all started off getting to know each other, but I've become much closer to the nnd and a friendship has never really developed with the neighbour opposite.
So that could very well be the reason, nothing to do with race.

It's normal in British culture to return an invitation to lunch or dinner. Rude to accept an invitation and not return it, surely.

I don't think it is rude. Are you saying that everyone should be friends (not neighbours or friendly but actual friends) with everyone who wants to be friends with them? I agree its not surprising that the OP is hurt. She expected reciprocity and didn't get it...but that's nobody's fault. IMO rude would have been saying "I don't like your food and please don't come to my door" That hasn't happened. What has happened is that the OP didn't get what she wanted. Yes that's a shame but its not rude.

nope. That way lies getting into situations that get harder and harder to get out of because "rude to decline an invitation then rude not to reciprocate ad infinitum"

I live in a rural village and would fucking HATE people “popping in”.

Don’t come near me until after my second coffee and makeup on!

No. What's rude is only dishing out invitations because you expect one in return.

Well OP, you are welcome to move next door to me & bring round nice food & a cute baby anytime! I like going for coffee too. I’m a useless cook though & don’t have a baby sorry!
All my neighbours are from a variety of different backgrounds, ethnicities & age groups. They are families, couples, singles & housemates.
I’m very friendly with the lady next door & acquaintances with another neighbour; but the majority are just on ’hello’ terms. It would be lovely to meet some friendlier people. As long as they are not anti social!
I think you have tried your best with your neighbours but don’t bother any more. Their loss. Try making friends in other ways. Maybe your neighbours are racist, hopefully they aren’t & just prefer each other’s company.

It is hard. I found out some of the parents of my teen DC’s group get together for drinks. Never been invited. I’m single, they’re not. They have younger children, I don’t. Bottom line, there are lots of other people to hang out with.

If their kids are in the same class there's lots in common to talk about.

Dropping food round i would find a bit odd tbh

Id focus on making other friends and just accept it will be neighbours rather than friends

If you suspect that is happening, you can refuse. If you accept, you should ask them back then refuse the next one.

Why, though? Because you've decided I should?

People have all sorts of reasons for not wanting to host - from tiny kitchens, to lack of dining tables or space, to lack of money, or just not being comfortable hosting and/or cooking for someone they barely know.

hush!!! the Queeen of Ettiquette has spoken, bow and obey.

😂

It's sad though that people can't see the nice gesture even if it is highly unusual in our culture. My neighbours bring us food round at their festivals so we return the gesture. It's nice.

I think people can see that it's well intended but that doesn't make it any less awkward.