Birthday iPad gone before the weekend’s even started. AIBU not replacing it?

[TryingToKeepTheLidOn]

Please don’t flame me.

I already know some of you will say I shouldn’t of bought him one in the first place but ive been putting money away since after Christmas because school keep going on about everything being online now and his old tablet took about half an hour just to switch on.

Hes just turned 12.

I got him an iPad for his birthday yesterday. Biggest present hes ever had. I cant really afford things like that but I did extra shifts where I could and stopped buying little bits for myself because I wanted him to have something nice for once if that makes sense.

Anyway its gone.

Before anyone says insurance yes I know. I know. I didn’t sort it yet because I only bought it this week.

He came home tonight saying older lads at the park smashed it because he wouldn’t let them have a go. I absolutely lost it because I was thinking why have you even taken it out there. Then after about an hour of me asking questions the story changed and now apparently it wasn’t smashed at all.

Now hes saying he sold it.

Or swapped it.

I still don’t actually know which because every time I ask him its different.

Something about getting cash off some older boy and trainers as well but then the trainers aren’t here so God knows.

His dad will be no help before anyone asks. Don’t ask.

I honestly feel sick because I worked so hard to get it. The school letters make it sound like every child needs one now and I thought I was doing the right thing instead of him always borrowing one off school or saying he couldn’t do homework.

Before anyone says hes obviously a bad kid hes not all bad. Hes funny when he wants to be and brilliant with his little sister. Then he does things like this and I could scream.

This isn’t even the first thing this year. We had police at mine over something else in April that wasn’t even really him in the end although he was with the boys involved and I thought we’d turned a corner after that.

Now I’m sat here thinking I’ve basically worked months for someone else to end up with an iPad.

He keeps saying sorry and crying and then five minutes later says it wasn’t his fault because everyone else was getting on at him.

I dont even know whats true anymore.

I cant replace it. There is no money. I genuinely mean there is no money.

AIBU to tell him that’s it and if school want him using one they’ll have to sort something out because I’m not buying another one?

Let him calm down and then very calmly ask for the facts.
If it has been stolen it needs to be reported to the police.
If he has given it away you need to know who, as you will be contacting them to get it back.

He probably got mugged and is embarrassed to tell you. A lot of the kids at school have been mugged and had their technology stolen. One had his phone taken at knifepoint. I think you need to get to the bottom of it. If people think he's got money he could get targeted.

Oh OP I really feel for you. You must feel so deflated after working and saving so hard to buy it for him.

I hope you get to the bottom of it.

OP may not have home insurance, not everyone does if on tight budget. OP, I hope you can have a calm talk with your son to get to the bottom of what happened, because I don't think you're getting the truth at the moment.

The fact he won't say the real story is the issue here. Something dodgy has definitely happened.

He sounds very immature taking it out to the park like this (and as others have questioned there is the possibility he took it as he owes someone).
Though in some ways it reminds me of our KS1 children who bring toys to school then are shocked and upset when someone breaks it (often accidentally) or takes it (and a ridiculous amount of time is spent having to question lots of children who keep lying til eventually someone cracks and admits they have it). Obviously these are 5-7 year olds and if he is working at this level then the iPad should have been secured at home and locked away until he needed it for school (as this was the reason you purchased it).

For now you need another chat, reassure him you need the truth and explain that you need to contact the police (for a crime reference number for insurance) and watch his reaction to this. It does sound like he is falling in with the wrong crowd and I don't think I would be letting him go to the park at the moment (although he wasn't directly involved in whatever the boys were doing last time he will become associated with them and their behaviour if he continues to hang around with them).

Police, tell him you can’t trust his story so it’s the police.
he hasn’t swapped it because he owes money for drugs? I know extreme but I’ve thought the best of a teen in my close family and some of the things she was up too opened my eyes!

Very good advice from all PPs.

Clearly it was stolen from him by other lad/s.
Tell him you need the name of the boy who took it or you will report the incident to the police.

I would be concerned he could end up involved with some older lads & eventually be used for county lines. You might be able to get an old iPad a bit cheaper. However I think the iPad is not the issue here - rather hanging out with some people who aren’t really kind to him.

Poor kid... something awful has happened to his new gift, that he presumably loved, he likely felt very insecure and unsafe, and when he went home to tell mum she "absolutely lost it"

Another vote here for ring the police.

Something feels very off here and my concern would be for your son and what is actually happening to him when he goes out

Ban him going out for a while until you can be sure the people around him are safe and try and get to the bottom of what is going on

AIBU to tell him that’s it and if school want him using one they’ll have to sort something out because I’m not buying another one?
Is your dc's school doing the iPad scheme? My dc's school leases iPads, and if families need financial support, the school helps with the cost.
Other than that, your boy is heading for more trouble if you don't deal with this sharply.

Sounds like someone has stolen it from him ? Poor kid - must be so upset. Contact police.

Defo police.

More concerning is the lack of ability to report accurately. One of my sons has this - he will tell me what he thinks I want to hear, or what he wishes had happened and it’s only much much later that he is able to pull himself together enough to accurately report. He has ADHD and ASD.

And he wasn’t and still isn’t allowed to hang out at the park.

Log into the account on another device and block it. Report it stolen to the police. Hopefully you have home contents insurance?

Tell him you will be doing this and if he still doesn’t tell the truth follow through.

Unless he tells the full truth and it transpires it was stolen I wouldn’t even be considering new tech. I would also make a spreadsheet with the cost of the iPad and a list of jobs he can do and their worth (he can also give you any money he earns in other ways) until he has repaid the full cost.

I would tell him you will need a police report to claim on insurance so he needs to tell you the truth right now.

What he needs is police involvement to sort out what actually happened. Whatever it was, it’s either involved the theft of, or damage to something that belonged to him, or he’s lying to cover up something else. At the very least OP should be telling him she has to report it to the police for insurance purposes, so he needs to tell her exactly what happened. I’d be very worried about County Lines.

You need to stop being angry and support your child. Something awful has clearly happened here and he is unable to tell you you because of your anger. He's scared.

I think OP has a right to be angry after scrimping and saving, and working extra shifts, only for this to happen after one day. It doesn’t matter how angry she is, that’s no excuse for him telling lies. He’s 12 and clearly something dodgy has happened that OP needs to get to the bottom of.

I'm very sorry this happened and I hope you can get to the bottom of it and get it back.

If not, if/when you do replace it there is no reason to pay the amount of money an iPad costs. An android tablet will do the job he needs for school at a fraction of the price, and even that doesn't have to be a premium brand, the one I'm on right now cost less than half a Samsung and is more powerful.

If the school is insisting that it has to be an iPad, then complain as that is ridiculous expense for a parent to have to stump up and it's unnecessary.

This isn't necessarily true. A typically developing 12 year old without undiagnosed neurological/ developmental conditions yes, but if typically developing 12 year olds are the only 12 year olds you have experience of you'd be astonished by some of the others.

Additionally of course if he's really frightened or embarrassed he might not be "able" for non developmental reasons and boys in puberty can be impulsive and irrational if they feel cornered - getting the truth out of him might be near impossible until he feels safe to admit what actually happened.

Yes this.

He needs to lose his privileges to go to the park (or anywhere except to school) alone - NOT as a punishment but because for whatever reason, whether his own impulsivity or naivety (potentially something developmentally not in line with his age) or because of the other people he knows, he isn't safe on his own.

Honestly no 12 year old NEEDS an iPad. My grandkids have all got Amazon tablets and they're perfectly adequate for them. I would report to the Police to get a crime reference number and try claiming on your household insurance.

And I'd be grounding him until school goes back in September. He did something really silly with an expensive gift and needs to feel consequences for his actions. For the love of god DO NOT REPLACE IT for him. I would also talk to the school/his tutor about this and express concerns about his peer group.

Because parents like to show off an iPad when a tablet is a quarter of the price! All the computers at school are PCs not Macs aren't they.?

First thing is you need to get the truth out of him. Then report it too the police.

As for age: my daughter is seven. She has an iPad. I didn’t buy it for her but gave her an old one. She knows if she breaks it, I’m not replacing it and she wouldn’t sell it. At 12 he should know better.

You did a really lovely thing. Don’t be hard on yourself. Kids do stupid things.

Why are you letting him hang out at the park/with these older kids when there has previously been police involvement. Wasn’t that enough warning for you?
Hes a child who is obviously easily led, he shouldn’t have taken the iPad out of the house. You should have imposed rules with a valuable item.
Have you checked your household insurance? Ours covers 5k of tech outside the home. Worth a try.
And stop being so passive about who he spends time with - we’ve raised two teens and firm boundaries are what makes for a happy household.