Birthday iPad gone before the weekend’s even started. AIBU not replacing it?

[TryingToKeepTheLidOn]

Please don’t flame me.

I already know some of you will say I shouldn’t of bought him one in the first place but ive been putting money away since after Christmas because school keep going on about everything being online now and his old tablet took about half an hour just to switch on.

Hes just turned 12.

I got him an iPad for his birthday yesterday. Biggest present hes ever had. I cant really afford things like that but I did extra shifts where I could and stopped buying little bits for myself because I wanted him to have something nice for once if that makes sense.

Anyway its gone.

Before anyone says insurance yes I know. I know. I didn’t sort it yet because I only bought it this week.

He came home tonight saying older lads at the park smashed it because he wouldn’t let them have a go. I absolutely lost it because I was thinking why have you even taken it out there. Then after about an hour of me asking questions the story changed and now apparently it wasn’t smashed at all.

Now hes saying he sold it.

Or swapped it.

I still don’t actually know which because every time I ask him its different.

Something about getting cash off some older boy and trainers as well but then the trainers aren’t here so God knows.

His dad will be no help before anyone asks. Don’t ask.

I honestly feel sick because I worked so hard to get it. The school letters make it sound like every child needs one now and I thought I was doing the right thing instead of him always borrowing one off school or saying he couldn’t do homework.

Before anyone says hes obviously a bad kid hes not all bad. Hes funny when he wants to be and brilliant with his little sister. Then he does things like this and I could scream.

This isn’t even the first thing this year. We had police at mine over something else in April that wasn’t even really him in the end although he was with the boys involved and I thought we’d turned a corner after that.

Now I’m sat here thinking I’ve basically worked months for someone else to end up with an iPad.

He keeps saying sorry and crying and then five minutes later says it wasn’t his fault because everyone else was getting on at him.

I dont even know whats true anymore.

I cant replace it. There is no money. I genuinely mean there is no money.

AIBU to tell him that’s it and if school want him using one they’ll have to sort something out because I’m not buying another one?

Your ds is in more trouble than the ipad. It sounds like he has been at best robbed, but more likely bullied/controlled.
I would try and talk to him calmly, explaining that you realise this, that you need the full story to decide what to do next.
I would ask for help from school and/or police.
Is there any other responsible adult who might be able to talk to him?

From experience having an an iphone stolen whilst I was in a hospital bed - Apple will likely be more useful than the police (but still contact both). Contact Apple customer service support (24/7 and a phone line too) and see if there is tracking on the device, sometimes 'find my ipad' is turned on a default.

All these posters saying "don't replace the tech" when OP's said SHE CAN'T. THERE IS NO MONEY! So much priveledge on here, it's wild.

He is 12 he should be able to tell you what happened. I find it strange that his story keeps changing, classic sign that he is lying. Tell him that you know he is lying and he needs to tell you the truth now. If he tells you that he sold it/ swapped it then go to the park and have him point out this kid. Tell this kid you want it back now or you’ll call the police. Follow him home to get it.

He's more afraid of someone else than telling you the truth. You have two options, given that going nuclear hasn't worked. Either, make it safe for him to tell you the truth. Or, tell him in as neutral a way possible, that you have to involve the police.

Presumably people mean don’t replace it by working extra shifts and saving to get the money like she did the first time. Or claim on insurance but don’t actually get a replacement.

I agree call the police.

I dont agree with buying kids new expensive tech thats transportable - tablets, phone, laptops etc. I think its best to buy that type of tech refurbished. Amazon have their refurbished section although not a huge range and also Back Market is great https://www.backmarket.co.uk/en-gb/l/ipad/6053d9e8-2eaa-4971-9b6e-79b8a16e4dee

For example the most recent one I bought for dcs was last year, it was a 2019 Ipad for £114 from amazon refurbished. You should keep those 2 sites in mind in future for kids tech.

I think theres an issue about respect for things with your ds, cant understand why he'd take it out the house, seems very strange. So yes I'd get police involved.

Good luck getting it all sorted x

A 'friend' who isn't really a friend has likely take it off of him. He needs to tell you who has it and you need to have a conversation with the child's family about getting it back.

This was my thought considering previous police involvement to do with other kids, that this went down at the park and the loss of trainers/ iPad and this child not speaking up.
Sending lots of love, OP. Absolutely police because something really isn’t ok. And ground him. For his own safety.
Really so sorry you’ve worked your fingers to the bone to do this and now this has happened. I hope you have some support. X

You sound like a great mum and it’s so shit this happened after all your hard work to buy it. I’d be so upset too. No advice I’m afraid but I really hope you get it sorted

I’d go to the police. Have you considered County Lines?

@TryingToKeepTheLidOn you are not unreasonable not to replace it. My parents in that situation would have said how long they’d been putting the money away to save up/what they’d gone without to get it for me and I’d have been sad but understood the lesson. In fact I’d have been mortified.

He is old enough to experience that lesson and I think you should stay strong and not buy another. He is also old enough to understand honesty is the best policy. My trust in him would be rocked by these lies, too.

You need to get to the bottom of what happened. He's 12 so can tell you. Do not let him out until this is sorted. No phone. No gaming.

Ask him what happened
Get his friends numbers and ask them and their parents
Tell them all you are going to the Police.
Then go to Police if not resolved.

Ignore schools. They provide facilities for kids to be online if needed.

Report to the police and have a word with school too. There is something very worrying here.
I can't understand why he is allowed to the park, when police were involved recently because of his acquaintances. There is nothing normal about that at 12. What was that incident about OP? Should he be knocking around with these people at all?
Did you set firm boundaries re ipad, eg. not to leave the house?
My son (15) just has a Chromebook, but wouldn't dream of taking it anywhere. (Even then we've had several broken ones, due to clumsiness, hence why his chances of an ipad are nil. He's fine with that.)
It's very worrying, but at the same time, this incident could be used to access some parenting support for you. Something needs addressing before he gets any older.
No more ipads.

My nephew also wasn’t “a bad kid” according to his parents who also made every excuse for him, yet he still swapped his new games console for weed.

I agree with everyone saying this child has probably been coerced. The evidence points to county lines or similar and OP needs to prioritise the safety of her child. He is 12 and probably terrified. OP has had good advice around contacting Apple and so on. I would be much more concerned about the older kids and what is going on there.

Why would you take an ipad to the park ? Madness!

I would not have been buying an iPad for anyone who ‘had police at my door’ two months ago. No bloody way! I have 2 dc, one older than him and have never had any police involvement in anything, except for the one time my eldest witnessed a crime and offered to give a police statement.

You do know you can get second hand iPad for less than £100. He shouldn’t have been walking around with some super expensive device anyway.

But no, it would be no iPad and he’d be working around the house to pay the money back. No more going to the park and his phone use would be very strictly monitored. I’d be concerned about county lines or some other involvement in illegal activities.

He's either wanted to show it off or older kids have talked him into it, with the intent of taking it off him.

I think I'd also look at messages on his phone because something isn't right here.

Op good luck. Hope you get to the bottom of it.

Are you there OP?
Any updates after the advice given?
Really hope you can get it back.

A friend had a similar story from her early teenage granddaughter, turns out she was being bullied, her friendship group had turned on her and the gang leader had taken her phone, used the credit and then smashed it.
Took a lot of work and changing schools but the granddaughter thrived once away from the friendship-group-turned-toxic

Obviously don't replace the device but focus on giving him one chance to repair the relationship with you. Explain that it doesn't matter what he said before, he has one chance to rebuild some trust with you. If you're not happy with his response then tell him that, and that you'll have to think about what to do next.

So you're advocating threatening the end of the mother-son relationship over this? What's she going to do, throw him out?

This is a highly likely scenario.

Something isn't right, and making the 12 year old work around the house to the value of the iPad (which is anyway an ill fitting consequence where the OP can't afford to replace the iPad if he does chores to that value anyway) or otherwise issuing random punishment without getting to the bottom of it isn't going to solve it.

Completely 100 percent agree.

He is frightened of the fallout if he now 'grasses'.

Be gentle with him and see if you can coax an answer out of him. I'm also going to add that he isn't wrong to fear retaliation. It's all very well saying police/school - and you should definitely speak to the school - but do consider the way that any approach is made.

I'm sure others have already said it but he needs to think carefully about the consequences of his friendship choices. It sounds like he's hanging out with a few bad eggs.

Also, did he have boundaries in place re. not being allowed to take it out? Obviously, taking an ipad out increases the chances of it getting, broken, lost or stolen.

My DCs are older now but they had ancient tech due to this (I also learnt the hard way when an iphone was lost in a bush for two weeks) and as adults, they do have fancier tech but they've bought it themselves.

Also the impulsivity and not telling the truth does sound like potential ADHD.