AIBU to reconsider a long friendship after my bridesmaid's behaviour?

[YourDaringWriter]

So I got married recently and it was wonderful. We had a fabulous day and everyone said they had a great time.
However I was quite upset with one of my bridesmaids (whom I have been friends with for 17 years) and feel our relationship has been unequal for some time.
I paid for everything for the wedding - the hair and make up, the dresses, I gave them all a pair of sapphire earrings they could wear and keep. I paid for her room the night before as she had to travel. My hen do was just an afternoon tea so was inexpensive. She gave me £30 as a gift. Our financial circumstances are similar and I gave her £75 when she got married five years ago so even though it was my choice to pay for those things I feel she is taking the p*ss. We live around 150 miles apart and yet I nearly always do the travelling, when we went on a holiday she took almost six months to pay me back for some of the costs, when I had a child she never asked to visit or meet them. I always the one arranging dates for meet ups and a few times she has flaked last minute. For a couple years I bought her gifts and a card for her birthday and received nothing back so I stopped. On my wedding day she was 25 weeks pregnant and said “well now I’m going to have two children I won’t be able to go anywhere,” very much suggesting travelling once again would be all on me. At this stage I feel like cutting her off. It’s definitely not all pecuniary but I feel like the gift (which was less than literally every other guest) is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I cut her off?

I don’t think you’re compatible any longer and I’m going to be honest and say if you hadn’t led with the disparity in gift value, you’d come across a bit better. You did the right thing in terms of paying for your own wedding, which is nice to see.

I wasn’t aware that real friendships were so…..transactional.
Do you seriously keep a mental tally of £s ?

I think you do keep a tally if, year on year, the friendship is costing you a lot of money as well as time and energy.

Don’t do anything rash, are you really going to end a friendship over a “missing” £45?

I don’t think genuine friendships should be measured by financial transactions. You sound quite mercenary tbh.

Had similar and believe its more about the feeling they chose not to

You’re right. I wouldn’t miss £45. Lots of people at our wedding gave more than we gave them and some gave less. Like someone said maybe I shouldn’t have started with that and people probs got bored before reading the rest. It’s not the money itself. It’s all the other crap that lead to it, especially no effort in coming to see me after having a baby.

Yes I can see why you would think that from the post. But it’s more the other stuff of putting no effort in at all.
I’m not particularly wealthy and give lots of money away to charity etc and give blood several times a year. And have a job for love rather than money.
it’s interesting to see other people’s views so thanks 🙂. Anyone I have spoken to in person has said I’m right so wanted to see if they’re just appeasing me

You don’t sound like much of a friend if you are considering this because she didn’t gift you enough cash. How horrid.

Indeed.
You make no mention of her financial situation. I've I give £30 as a gift thats because that's what I can afford at the time.
She's been your friend for 17 years and you are slagging her off on her.

Please have some thought.

X

Wow. I don’t think you like her much. Why did you choose her as a BM?

You might have a baby soon, and appreciate how hard it can be to plan stuff especially when they are little. She is right about it being harder with two.
Maybe Matt Leave has had an impact on her finances.

You’re being very odd.

Your wedding is to celebrate your marriage; not to gather cash. Some people just don’t have much money - and someone was always going to give the lowest amount.

Is your new husband’s name Ebeneezer?

Is it not normal to pay for the bridesmaids outfits etc ? Surely you wouldn't expect her to fork out for expensive hair and clothes for your wedding ?

£75 is on the lower end of the gift scale also, but more acceptable than £30. Standard is £200-250 usually. I wouldn’t end a relationship over a small gift though, just be gracious but maybe reassess if the rest of the friendship is one sided or with it to you?

@ExtraOnions I literally said in the post that I have a child myself that she has refused to visit.

@Sally3490 yes I would agree it is but I had to pay for my own hair and make up at her wedding and wasn’t given the choice to just not have it done.

£200 is the standard? 😆 I hardly think so.

I am guessing you are all rich right?

You’ve shot your self in the foot leading with the money as your main motive to end the friendship.

I have a friend like this. She always make me feel like her time is worth more than mine. For example runs ‘late’ to lunch, but will of read the menu before she sets off and rings me to order for her so it’s ready for when she arrives! I’m fed up of feeling like she’s ’fitting me in her busy schedule’, so I’ve decided to back off. I got this vibe reading between the lines of your post.

FWIW she buys extravagant presents, I call bullshit on this tho, I think it’s an attempt to make up for her shit behaviour.

Ha! It really isn’t! I’d be mortified if my friends felt they needed to gift me £250! £50 round here.

@MinnieCoops tbh I think you are right and it’s nice to see the responses to this. I have felt our relationship has been one sided for a long time and think I have clung on to how things were when we first met. I probs asked her as she asked me and I felt it would be rude not to.

You live 150 miles apart, who moved away? I think the onus is on the person who leaves the original friendship location/area to make more of an effort to maintain the friendship.

I initially read the OP as "I got married yesterday" instead of "recently" and thought "Well, the honeymoon can't be up to much" 🤦🏻‍♀️

Do you have to do anything dramatic like "cutting her off"? It sounds a bit playground-ish.
Just respond politely when she gets in touch but don't put yourself out to travel if you don't want to.

@Shelleyblueeyes i did say our financial circumstances are similar but I have enjoyed reading these responses so thanks 🙂. I like other perspectives.
i think people on the whole seem to have got too annoyed with the money thing and not read a lot of the rest

@LaMarschallin yes I think this is what I intend to do really so thanks 🙂. Obvs I’m not going to bring it up with her but I am going to stop reaching out