AIBU to reconsider a long friendship after my bridesmaid's behaviour?

[YourDaringWriter]

So I got married recently and it was wonderful. We had a fabulous day and everyone said they had a great time.
However I was quite upset with one of my bridesmaids (whom I have been friends with for 17 years) and feel our relationship has been unequal for some time.
I paid for everything for the wedding - the hair and make up, the dresses, I gave them all a pair of sapphire earrings they could wear and keep. I paid for her room the night before as she had to travel. My hen do was just an afternoon tea so was inexpensive. She gave me £30 as a gift. Our financial circumstances are similar and I gave her £75 when she got married five years ago so even though it was my choice to pay for those things I feel she is taking the p*ss. We live around 150 miles apart and yet I nearly always do the travelling, when we went on a holiday she took almost six months to pay me back for some of the costs, when I had a child she never asked to visit or meet them. I always the one arranging dates for meet ups and a few times she has flaked last minute. For a couple years I bought her gifts and a card for her birthday and received nothing back so I stopped. On my wedding day she was 25 weeks pregnant and said “well now I’m going to have two children I won’t be able to go anywhere,” very much suggesting travelling once again would be all on me. At this stage I feel like cutting her off. It’s definitely not all pecuniary but I feel like the gift (which was less than literally every other guest) is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I cut her off?

It’s not really about the wedding present is it, it’s about the fact that she’s a piss taker who’s let you down on multiple occasions, treated you a bit crappily, and takes advantage of you, and has done for years. This has been the incident that’s confirmed to you that she doesn’t value you as much as you’ve valued her.
Significant events can often be the things that cause the scales to fall from your eyes and allow you to see people for who they really are, instead of who you thought they were.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs we were at uni together and both went back home

Why was she your bridesmaid? It sounds as if your friendship was already strained.

@FreebieWallopFridge and this is exactly how I feel. Thank you for clearly reading the whole post, unlike some other people 🙂.

also love the tag name 🙂

@Cathandkin you’re right. I think because I was hers, I felt I had to

You think your financial situations are similar but you won't know exactly. She may have a higher mortgage, more expensive car, prioritise putting money into savings or pension etc. However, you obviously feel you are investing more into the friendship than she is so just be less quick to suggest meeting up. No need for a big drama.

Is £250 a wedding gift, fucking hell! The last 3 weddings we went to included two nights away from home! If I had to pay £250 I would rather not go! I would take the family never talking to me again!
I know people are going to say food and drink but the food was rubbish and I wouldn’t have paid for it in a restaurant.
If you want to end the friendship end the friendship, it’s not that deep. From the sounds of it, she might be happy.

Wow I'm glad your standard amount is not the same as the standard in my circles - I would not be able to afford to attend them!

£50 is the standard in mine. £200-250 is ridiculous IMO, especially when you're paying for travel/accommodation costs.

Very one way friendship. I would move on. Sometimes friendships just run their course.

Yes, I can understand that.

I don't think it's that people haven't read the whole post OP. It's more just not clear what she's done wrong.

Weddings have costs for guests too. Hotels, travel, babysitters.. people shouldn't expect elaborate gifts.

You don't know anyone's finances in this day and age with high interest rates affecting mortgages, nursery fees etc. She's about to have another baby. Even if she is a bit tighter than you then you can adjust the expectations and match how she spends.

The holiday thing is annoying but she did pay you back. How long ago even was it?

As you get older and both have families it is harder to make the effort to meet up. Agree it's annoying if she doesn't but you knew this before asking her to be bridesmaid...

I don't think you have to cut her off completely but she doesn't sound like a friend that is worth investing your time with. I'd probably send a card at Christmas and one when baby is born but yes, just stop arranging things with her. People change and it's just not worth the effort if you get nothing back.

Christ yes, I went to my friends wedding recently and gave £50 and a nice keepsake- now I feel terrible if £200 is the normal!

I think i would have to decline wedding invites if £200 was the norm

You are clearly a bit pissed off with her and I can see that it’s not an even relationship at the moment, but is their still something there under the irritation and recent lack of what you consider appropriate effort?

Some people do not put as much into friendships, especially long distance ones, focusing on people they can see more often. Neither approach is wrong but when one side puts in effort and the other doesn’t it’s not going to feel great for the one who’s trying harder. But possibly if your lives changed again and you were geographically closer you’d fall back into your old ways.

So if you think that’s a possibility and you’d welcome it, maybe don’t cut her off, just match her energy.

But if you’re done, you’re done. And that’s okay. Things change. There will be new friends and new commitments. You don’t have to hold on to a past that doesn’t make you feel good.

She might be relieved if you cut her off, maybe she's done with the friendship too?

Since having kids I've checked out of a few friendships from my uni days as we just live so far apart so it's logistically a nightmare to see each other, but there are a few I maintain (albeit mostly via WhatsApp!) because they feel worth it.

ETA: you don't have to cut her off in a big, dramatically confrontational wat. Just stop trying, let it fizzle out.

lol… it’s not. At least it’s not in any circles I have moved in!

I agree. It's not standard. People wouldn't be able to afford to go to weddings if it was!

She could be in debt, you don’t know. Be grateful for the time spent with her. Not the bloody cash! Weddings cost guests a fortune anyways, hotels,outfits , travel etc.

We’ve read it. I still think you sounds insanely transactional, as if you’re doing a running tally of ‘effort’ and cash amounts in your head. Do you actually like this woman?

I'm wondering if the poster who said 250 is based in Ireland. Wedding gifts here are on the upper end. Usually 150 if one person going. 200/250 if going as a couple. That would be standard here

I’ve had friends like this. You do all the running, giving time, effort and money, being a shoulder to cry on but only hearing from a distance about the good times. Some people just take more than they give. I’d stop making the first move and see where things go from there. You’ll soon know if she values the friendship.

I paid for everything for the wedding - the hair and make up, the dresses,

As you should!!!

I fecking hate it when bridezillas make their bridesmaids pay for their dresses etc.

Anyway…. You don’t like her. Thats obvious. So just stop making effort with her. I’m sure it’ll fizzle out.

Its your wedding why wouldn't you pay for everything?

Maybe that poster is Irish. Irish weddings almost have an entrance fee for guests to attend. Someone i know once referred to a wedding invitation as an 'invoice'.

Mumsnet as usual having no nuance and repeating parts of the OP like clutching robots. The money is obviously emblematic of the inequality of their relationship and not the sole reason for OP to reconsider the friendship. Its possibly and symptom, not the cause. Its not about the money; the money is just giving some insight