AIBU to reconsider a long friendship after my bridesmaid's behaviour?

[YourDaringWriter]

So I got married recently and it was wonderful. We had a fabulous day and everyone said they had a great time.
However I was quite upset with one of my bridesmaids (whom I have been friends with for 17 years) and feel our relationship has been unequal for some time.
I paid for everything for the wedding - the hair and make up, the dresses, I gave them all a pair of sapphire earrings they could wear and keep. I paid for her room the night before as she had to travel. My hen do was just an afternoon tea so was inexpensive. She gave me £30 as a gift. Our financial circumstances are similar and I gave her £75 when she got married five years ago so even though it was my choice to pay for those things I feel she is taking the p*ss. We live around 150 miles apart and yet I nearly always do the travelling, when we went on a holiday she took almost six months to pay me back for some of the costs, when I had a child she never asked to visit or meet them. I always the one arranging dates for meet ups and a few times she has flaked last minute. For a couple years I bought her gifts and a card for her birthday and received nothing back so I stopped. On my wedding day she was 25 weeks pregnant and said “well now I’m going to have two children I won’t be able to go anywhere,” very much suggesting travelling once again would be all on me. At this stage I feel like cutting her off. It’s definitely not all pecuniary but I feel like the gift (which was less than literally every other guest) is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I cut her off?

Yep

I see your point, and it's not financial. It's about effort. You put in a lot of effort to make your day special for her and she chucks you £30! One of my friends at my wedding couldn't afford a gift so she handmade me beautiful scrapbook of our years together. There's plenty of options to show you care if you're strapped for cash. I think you're right to be upset

Just don't contact her. Let her do the chasing and organising. And tell her she needs to travel for a while to give you a rest from it and because of 'your finances'. Or be direct and just tell her it's her turn for the next 10 visits. No need to cut contact, just don't chase her.

Blimey we got £20 off most of our guests and we were very happy with whatever we received!

The money side of gifts wouldn't bother me, but it seems you do all the work in the friendship and that alone would make me consider stepping back. Sometimes it's best just to let things peter out, so maybe not actually cut her off just stop putting any effort in. She sounds rather self absorbed.

Friendships can ebb and flow. You are reasonably feeling hurt because you’ve put more energy and resources into this friendship and it’s not been equally reciprocated. It’s best to just back off and see what happens.

You also just went through a major life change. It’s not the time to make big decisions! Relationships do not need to have a big dramatic bang. You may be surprised at how you feel about this friendship in 6 months, a year, five years.

I ended a very very close friendship in my early twenties. I’d been slightly better off through uni, and shelled out more than my fair share of pizza and cheap beers/ student night pints. One day we were in the Maccy D’s drive through and all I had till payday was enough for a cheese burger, and there was no offer of reciprocity.

it wasn’t really about the cheese burger but like you I was always the one reaching out and I just had this sudden realisation that I felt like I was giving and giving and wasn’t a priority.

its not the £30, but the fact that other than the wedding when did she last reach out? When did she last come to see you? Maybe just take a step back - If you give it 3-4 months, how many times has she reaches out to you?

I’m not based in Ireland but I am Irish yes, most of my weddings have been in Ireland and London. Thanks for this I was reading the comments thinking I was going mad but didn’t think it may be a cultural thing. There is no judgement on what people can give but it really has been my experience (many many many weddings) of £250 being the standard. I remember getting much more from my dads friends at my wedding, again all Irish though.

Yeah, I agree with @FreebieWallopFridge and think you should sack her off now. Life moves on, especially after university friendships start to charge.

A close friend at university and I drifted apart. It wasn’t about money - though she always was a tight arse! - it was more about whether there was any point to it all.

Don't regret the friendship though - just wave it farewell, and learn from it.

There’s just a culture of bigger wedding presents. I mean, it’s not across the board. DH and I got married with two witnesses and got no presents at all!

Unfortunately similar doesn't necessarily mean the same due to priorities, lifestyles etc.

Is it?
I had better refuse any wedding invitations then as that is beyond what I can afford to give.

Hi op the same thing happened at my wedding. Of course i paid for the bridesmaids dresses and bits and thank you gift... One of my bridesmaids turned up without even a card I was devastated it was the lack of effort. She has found a new boyfriend a year before and had basically dropped me as a friend but I hadn't realised. Another didn't have much money but had made some homemade bunting for the reception space (pre planned with the correct colours etc) and that was beautiful. With the first, it was the lack of saying 'congratulations wishing you well on the next step of your journey'. Friendship with the first bridesmaid was never the same again and I haven't seen her in many years.

Ps after speaking to others who had been through the same sort of thing I have come to the conclusion that weddings magnify that some humans don't really want you to do well / be happy/ celebrate your happiness!! Even ones you thought were close friends!

Not necessarily, but I'd definitely want to see what happens if I'm not the one to initiate things. I would sit back, be quiet and let her get in touch. And if she wants to see me, she can arrange it all and come to me.

You have hit the nail on the head. You have been low priority to her for a long time and she's made that clear in many ways. The natural thing would have been to ask a closer friend or relative to be bridesmaid; you didn't feel you could leave her out, so the situation was uncomfortable.
Time to let go.
But never mind because you had a fabulous wedding in every other way. Congratulations.

I wouldn't make a thing of it but I'd take a step back and let her make some effort, and if she doesn't (and I suspect she won't) then let things fizzle out.

She’s a uni friend. You may have been close at one point but you obvs aren’t now. Some people are friends for a season at that time rather than afterwards.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare finances though as you have no idea of her and her DH’s finances. She might be the type who doesn’t compare wedding gift values, some people are like that and if so good on her for not being so money focussed. There may be many reasons for her not travelling to see you, maybe her baby/kids don’t travel well and a weekend away isn’t doable for them. She’s probably made new mum friends where she lives and weekends are spent with them or her family.

It is customary to give gifts in the price range pp indicated at Irish weddings …that is just a cultural difference, nothing else. No need for the disparaging comments.

I think £20- £50 would be more the norm in my circles. People already spend a lot to attend most weddings, so I wouldn’t expect anything more than a token gift personally. Sometimes people are very generous but it’s not expected (at least by me!).

I’m guessing you’re in the UK though?
What’s the norm varies a lot depends on country, social circles etc…I don’t think the Irish pp realised that when she posted earlier.
The amounts she quoted weren’t relevant to OP’s situation.

I had a friend like this and they are not worth it. I just stopped putting in the effort and because everything was always down to me the friendship just died. I don’t miss it.

This is Mn, which has a persistent strand of anti-Irishness.

I think the gift is a red herring. She sounds like a taker. I had a friend similar and for her 50th I put a lot of effort into picking nice wine glasses and a bottle of wine. For my birthday though not a significant one she gave me a small cosmetic purse with a couple of samples in and didn’t wish me happy birthday on the day. This I understand hers was a big birthday but I’ve noticed she moved away and stopped making the effort even though I said I was worried it would happen and she dismissed it. So I think you need to replicate her energy. Don’t cut her off just don’t reach out which is what I did eventually after lots of times making the effort

Yes - England.
I think I’m just suprised how much stock people out on gifts generally. It’s just not something I really expect from my friends. My closet, best friends who are very dear to me and I to them don’t usually get each other gifts. We call, we text, we spend time together. Maybe this is just a personality thing. Some of us have “gifts” as a love language and for others we don’t, I guess likely to tend to be with others who have similar mindsets.