AIBU to reconsider a long friendship after my bridesmaid's behaviour?

[YourDaringWriter]

So I got married recently and it was wonderful. We had a fabulous day and everyone said they had a great time.
However I was quite upset with one of my bridesmaids (whom I have been friends with for 17 years) and feel our relationship has been unequal for some time.
I paid for everything for the wedding - the hair and make up, the dresses, I gave them all a pair of sapphire earrings they could wear and keep. I paid for her room the night before as she had to travel. My hen do was just an afternoon tea so was inexpensive. She gave me £30 as a gift. Our financial circumstances are similar and I gave her £75 when she got married five years ago so even though it was my choice to pay for those things I feel she is taking the p*ss. We live around 150 miles apart and yet I nearly always do the travelling, when we went on a holiday she took almost six months to pay me back for some of the costs, when I had a child she never asked to visit or meet them. I always the one arranging dates for meet ups and a few times she has flaked last minute. For a couple years I bought her gifts and a card for her birthday and received nothing back so I stopped. On my wedding day she was 25 weeks pregnant and said “well now I’m going to have two children I won’t be able to go anywhere,” very much suggesting travelling once again would be all on me. At this stage I feel like cutting her off. It’s definitely not all pecuniary but I feel like the gift (which was less than literally every other guest) is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I cut her off?

@MightyS @sunnybaros yeah fair comments. You’re probably right. I just find it difficult, because although everything seems on her terms, through messaging etc and there is a lack of effort, we do actually still have a good time and a laugh when we do see each other….
I have never fallen out with anyone and barely argue at all.
I think I will just stop messaging first and see what happens. Thanks 🙂

I agree. It's not about the size of the wedding gift, though clearly that was the straw that broke the camel's back, its about the long run up of the Friend demonstrating that her wants/time etc were more important than OP.

And it does take a big event sometimes to see that, when other people around you are acknowleging that its a special time for you, the comparison between that and and when you realise that someone you've always gone the extra mile for, doesn't or can't be bothered to, do the same for you and feels zero shame about doing less than the bare minimum.
And its not so much about the money, its about the unfairness. She was your bridesmaid and you paid for everything for her, hair, makeup, outfit and accomodation, for heavens sake, she's not a mere work acquaintance you'd only invited to the evening do.

I think OP that ultimately its not about you... its all about her... and she's probably like this with more than just you. Perhaps she was a jealous of the attention.

Oof, I gave £30 as a wedding gift recently. I hope my friend isn't contemplating ending the friendship over it.

Seriously, I think the wedding stuff isn't entirely relevant. You feel your friend is taking more than giving in general. If this bothers you enough to make you want to discard her, do so.

@paradisecircus honestly I don’t think they will be. This is a very specific issue from a friend who is incredibly wealthy and gave me an “is that it?” when I gave her £75 (I mentioned this in a further post).
Although she gave the least in a straight “money transaction,” other people gave sentimental gifts that wouldn’t have been worth a lot but were lovely and some people without much money didn’t gift. We have no qualms with them. They all turned up and that was enough for us 🙂.

The other stuff bothers me a lot more, so I am going to back off. There will be no discussion or arguing, just a gentle pulling away 🙂

I think life is too short to hold onto friendships that leave a sour taste in your mouth. It might sound harsh but any effort put into people who don't appreciate it is wasted and that time/effort could be put into someone who actually deserves it. Stop wasting time with people who are no longer on the same page as you!

I think that is normal, but paying for the hotel room too is very generous.

I think youve crawled up your own arse a bit too much? Your choice to get married and therefor yes you should pay for everything especially as 43% of marriages end, eveey wedding ive ever been to bar one has ended and i recent every one of those presents i had to buy,.shes heavily pregnant turned up wore a stupid dress and because she only gave you £30 you are ending the friendship because a wedding isnt about committing yourself but everyone making you feel like a queen , i doubt at 25 weeks pregnant she felt like a queen but she turned up!

So this is the same friend? You gave her 75 for her wedding, to which she responded "Is that it?" and then for your wedding, you paid for everything including her hotel room (not something the bride traditionally covers for the bridesmaids) and she gifted you 30?

So basically she was deliberately giving you a slap in the face here.

And on top of this, she always expects you to visit her, doesn't make the effort to visit you, and didn't make an effort to meet your baby. Now expects you to visit her again because she'll have two kids and it's too much work for her to come to you.

I think the core issue is that she thinks she is more important than you and expects you to act as the lower person in the friendship because she values it less than you do.

Drop and move on, IMO.

Your post comes across weird.
Why do you mention you paid for all the clothes and earrings for YOUR wedding when its you who wanted her to wear that?

Also, if she has a young child, it will obviously be more difficult to travel and meet up with friends. You may find this happening to yourself later on too.

Comparing prize of the wedding gifts is just plain stupid.

I wouldn’t cut her off over it, but I’d match her level of effort from now on.

Unless she is in a very difficult financial position, yes £30 as a wedding gift is pretty poor.

Okay 😂

@katepilar fair enough. I probs should have mentioned that for her wedding I had to pay for my own hair and make-up and wasn’t given the choice to just do my own.
I feel you may have got annoyed about the money thing and not read the rest of the OP (again fair enough, I can see why comparing money in itself might look bad) as I have said that I have my own child who is younger than hers and she never asked to meet them.

You clearly move in rich circles 😲

You say you don't have much money OP but your attitude says otherwise....£30 is maybe on the lower end but it's still a fair bit of money for those who are actually not well off.And afternoon tea is not 'inexpensive'!

That's the trouble nowadays with everyone wanting money gifts at weddings....it's too face value and competitive.

Even if you have a laugh, there's a level of disrespect towards you. A lack of care or effort, and for that reason I think you have to question her commitment to the friendship.

You need to remember that you can only control your behaviour - not other people's.

Your friend doesn't want to leave her family and home and travel to visit you. Do you want to travel to visit your friend (with or without your children)? If you do want to then do. If you don't want to then don't. It really is that simple - if you want to and you enjoy it then do it. If it is a massive drag, a hassle to pack and be away or travel with small children and you would rather be at home then don't. You don't have to martyr yourself.

You know that your friend is not overly generous with cash. You know that if you lend her money she is slow to pay you back. Easy solutions to those things is match her energy and don't be overly generous with cash towards her. If you do something together get the cash upfront or don't do it.

What money her parents have, whether she has a mortgage, whether she works or how much her engagement ring cost is neither here nor there and none of your business.

You have sneered at her giving you 30 odd quid for your wedding. You have gone on to say that some people bought you sentimental things or nothing and that was fine. You clearly didn't think it was fine for this lady though despite what you say as you are using it as a stick to beat her with. It's neither here nor there. Who knows she could be so rich that she could give you any amount without caring and was just symbolically sticking some cash in an envelope, or it could be that despite wealthy parents and a high earning husband she doesn't have lots of her own cash, or it could be that she just felt that was what she wanted to give - what does it matter?

I find it interesting that you mentioned the "poorer" person you know. You gave them their wedding cash gift back and don't mind paying for their snacks/just want their company. The fact you mentioned this makes me think you enjoy being their more wealthy/generous bestower. I think you should consider that you do care about money and your friends financial circumstances and consider whether you resent those with more and enjoy when people have less - even subconsciously - and then if you don't like that about yourself you can challenge it.

I've seen a few different threads on here over the years of people that subsidise their friends activities and holidays only to find that one day they buy a flash car outright or pay for their children to go to university without taking loans etc etc.
Those people that were subbing their friends are then full of resentment. I would say in general if your friend doesn't want to go for a walk with you and buy her own snack it is more likely to be because she has other priorities than because she can't lay her hands on £3.50. If you want to pay because your friend would rather not pay for food but you want to go to the cafe then recognise that this is what you are doing - getting to do what you want by paying- rather than helping your friend.

If you don't want to travel to see your friend you don't have to set fire to the friendship. You could just keep in touch by phone/Whatsapp for a few years while in the thick of it with young children.

Find it a bit weird you logged the present cash and remembered what you gave so clearly. We had close friends give nothing on our wedding day, I didn't care, they came and celebrated with us and are "good friends" in other ways (kind, funny, go out of their way for us)
I'd split out the financial issue and simply focus on, over a sustained period, do you enjoy her friendship. Is she funny? Does she talk to you about things that interest you? If you ring her with an issue, is she supportive , does she listen to you rant? Would she help you in an emergency?
If there's genuinely nothing good about her, then maybe the friendship has run it's course. However, it shouldn't be tit for tat, some people can't travel or don't always give extravagant gifts but instead they remember little things, or they're incredible when something awful happens, or they make you laugh like nobody else. I'd focus on what you actually enjoy about the friendship and what you actually like about her - if there's not much there, then gently stop reaching out. However, there must be something or you'd not have asked her to be your bridesmaid surely!?

For goodness sake you don’t actually know her financial situation. You sound petty and selfish I’m sorry . I don’t have a clue how much money my friends gave me on my wedding and I couldn’t care less . I was just happy they attended my wedding .

Why would you choose her a bridesmaid if she ‘refused to visit’ your baby?

I think you are right too! Ignore some of the bitter lecturers on here 🤪

@latenightscrolling I was engaged for a long time for various reasons. I didn’t have a child when I asked her.

@Winter2020 you have raised some fair points. I agree that her money isn’t really any of my business. She just likes to make it my business 😆. That’s why I didn’t bring it up originally until people were saying that I didn’t know and she could be strapped for cash. Yeah you’re right, the money itself doesn’t really matter. It’s more the whole “is that it” comment from her that I originally brushed off. And yes she could probably give me £1000 without much notice but I would have hated that too so yeah maybe she can’t win in this situation - hey ho. She also didn’t get me a card or say goodnight at the end, she just left 😆.
I certainly wouldn’t say I’m resentful of people with lots of money. I left a high paid job to do something more worthwhile so I could have more money if wanted it but it’s not really the main focus.
It’s not that deep with the other friend. I haven’t given enough to ever be resentful towards her, just trying to make the point that I’m not money grabbing 😆. I’m definitely more of a giver than a receiver though (monetary or otherwise) and I do enjoy that. It’s just this time I think I have let it go further than I want to.

Erm not in my circle, £50 is the norm unless close family and maybe then £100

Reading your original post, the focus on the 30 quid seemed odd as that doesn't really seem to be the problem. Its the lack of effort in the friendship. I've read the updates though and I get it. But I can't believe you asked her to be bridesmaid after her comment about your wedding gift though! When/where/how did she say that?!

Regarding the friendship, by the sound of it, if you stop making the effort it will fizzle out anyway. So just do that.