AIBU to reconsider a long friendship after my bridesmaid's behaviour?

[YourDaringWriter]

So I got married recently and it was wonderful. We had a fabulous day and everyone said they had a great time.
However I was quite upset with one of my bridesmaids (whom I have been friends with for 17 years) and feel our relationship has been unequal for some time.
I paid for everything for the wedding - the hair and make up, the dresses, I gave them all a pair of sapphire earrings they could wear and keep. I paid for her room the night before as she had to travel. My hen do was just an afternoon tea so was inexpensive. She gave me £30 as a gift. Our financial circumstances are similar and I gave her £75 when she got married five years ago so even though it was my choice to pay for those things I feel she is taking the p*ss. We live around 150 miles apart and yet I nearly always do the travelling, when we went on a holiday she took almost six months to pay me back for some of the costs, when I had a child she never asked to visit or meet them. I always the one arranging dates for meet ups and a few times she has flaked last minute. For a couple years I bought her gifts and a card for her birthday and received nothing back so I stopped. On my wedding day she was 25 weeks pregnant and said “well now I’m going to have two children I won’t be able to go anywhere,” very much suggesting travelling once again would be all on me. At this stage I feel like cutting her off. It’s definitely not all pecuniary but I feel like the gift (which was less than literally every other guest) is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I cut her off?

Just because you earn similar money doesn’t mean she’s as good with money as you are. I don’t think friendships they have either person thinking so much about money ever work tbh

I’m curious why you asked her to be your bridesmaid?

Why not just invite her as a normal guest. As youve been having resentment about your relationship becoming more n more one sided?

She doesn’t sound like sound best friend bridesmaid material from what you said about her?

Youve listed various issues with her since her own wedding a few years back. Anyone reading this thread can see she wasn’t putting in any effort with you. If someone wasnt reciprocating in a friendship with me, I wouldn’t really keep making such an effort to see them either. She’s bluntly told u on your wedding day she won’t travel to see you and it’s on u to keep the friendship going!

the money gift doesn’t matter, she’s kindly given you something, don’t analyse this. Just ask yourself why u forked out all this cash on a bridesmaid who was flaky with you, at best?

This. A useful phrase I picked up on MN is "match their energy". Once a friendship becomes so one sided in terms of effort made or equal consideration, things start to sour. Friendships do have a shelf life. Sometimes its better to drop the rope.

Well consider me educated on that then, if so, but I still think they must be rich if that's the norm. Thankfully I don't have to attend a wedding too often. :)

They're just appeasing you, or perhaps are daft themselves, as you are coming across as a petty nutter about this.

I'd give her less thought and time, then see what happens, how she responds. Who knows, maybe she doesn't have much spare cash.

£200-250 really isn’t standard.

You don't know her finances or financial situation at all

She's got a kid and expecting another people save hard in pregnancy to be able to afford nursery and the things needed for a baby

I think your just been a bit grabby

I feeling shes tried to distance herself and you haven't got the hint.

I had a similar situation. My older friend never wanted children and got pregnant and wanted a termination. Due to medical issues a termination could have killed her so she had the baby. Her horses were more important to her so every weekend we bigger her son up and looked after him. They spent every Christmas day with our family.
When I had children she didn't even send a card and as her son got older and she didn't need us to look after him anymore she rarely saw us.
I cut all ties and ive never had any regrets!

It reads to me like she has been trying to cut you off for years, but just can't get away!
Take the hint.

I don’t know anyone who gifts a friend £200 for their wedding so I think you need to realise that just because you do that doesn’t mean that’s “normal”! I’d give between £50-£100 gift and that’s normal in my world.

I can see your frustration completely and get where you’re coming from. It’s not about being transactional in a friendship, it’s about feeling a major imbalance and a lack of care/effort. When you feel like you’re the only one keeping the friendship going, little things sting more and feel like a slap in the face. If she had been an amazing and caring friend who matched your energy and efforts, you wouldn’t have cared about getting £30 in a card for your wedding. But that combined with everything else just makes it feel like you don’t matter to her. Like you’re an afterthought or an inconvenience.

I don’t think it’s about tallying up expenditure or being “transactional” but when you feel like you’re the one making all the effort and it isn’t matched in any way, it does make you ruminate on what you’ve put into a friendship compared to the effort the friend puts in with you.

I’m getting married at the end of this month and am convinced one of my bridesmaids is going to come up with some “emergency” that means she flakes last minute and doesn’t end up coming. If that happens, I will be cutting off the friendship. Not in a dramatic way, I just won’t be making any effort to reach out to her and will let the friendship fizzle out. Perhaps that’s more what you’re thinking? Less of a “I am never speaking to you again!” confrontation and more that you simply match the energy you receive from her. Take a step back and let her come to you. Don’t waste any of your time on her. It’s too draining always showing up and caring for someone who doesn’t appreciate it or reciprocate it.

By any chance are you in NI? I ask because £200-250 would be the standard here for a good friend. And that's regardless of however humble your income is.
I'm a fairly newly qualified nurse, so I'm far from loaded and my circle is similar.

She sounds a bit shit regarding effort but never would I give a gift with the thought it should be reciprocated. The reason people are focusing on that is because you mentioned it in your original post as if it was relevant.

a young friend told me this week

ive not contact those people that haven't contacted me, from January the 1st. As it was always her that contacted and kept contact.

As events have posed up this year they have suddenly popped up, but she has remained loyal to anyone of her friends that has contacted her first, the other friendships she has replied but then gone silent

when I say event - I mean an event that they would have previously been invited and paid for.

tbh I think this is a good way of weeding, not all weeds are ugly but you don't want them in your garden for one reason or another

Interesting, I could afford it now but when my child was in school (a decade ago) this amount would be equivalent to 2 months expenses including food and energy bills (on minimum wage, privately renting, single parent).

If you're making all the effort and you don't want to anymore, don't. She'll either respond by making an effort herself or the friendship will fizzle out.

I have a group of old friends, one of whom is no longer making much effort and we're letting it go. It's her choice if she doesn't want to join in/drive to see people, etc. (she expects others to drive to her).

Sounds like the final £45 that broke the camels back

Your friendship is dying. Gradually remove support rather than suddenly pull the plug though

For whatever reason , I dont think this person is pulling their weight in your friendship. Why dont you withdraw and see if she reaches out and if she doesnt then you know she cant be bothered. Soinds to me like shes a friend you could do without. Other explanation could be that she's just one if these people who doesnt really get the unqrittenbrulea if friennsahip, in whixh case.....can you be bothered? People like that cant help it but they can be hard work

Snip snip snip. Get rid. Just the lack of effort and energy would be enough for me.

I think it might depend where you are from. In Ireland/NI its standard to cover the cost of your meal per head and then add a bit on top as a gift. So £200-250 would be the norm for a couple going to a wedding here.

I think it's geographical
Im in Northern Ireland and it's the norm to give 100 quid each and cover your plate
Over the border it's 200 as weddings are usually bigger and last the whole weekend
If you don't you will definitely be whispered about

It is if you’re in the wedding party. £30 from a couple, or even an individual, is a slap in the face.

You seem to be basing the value of people on how much money they gave you the day you got married and comparing it with how much you gave them.

I thought weddings were about the marriage, not amassing loot.