AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

"I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks."

You'll have taken more actual steps as he is considerably taller than you, almost a foot. But, that said ... I do think you should take this as a wake up call if your mobility impacted you being able to walk between locations as it did

I feel for you but also feel for him. These are not exceptionally high numbers of steps over 24 hours even in heat and some hills and he could easy post in here that he’s disappointed his partner can’t manage around 15k steps due to health & weight. So instead of getting annoyed at him what are you going to do about this? Your BMI is dangerously high.. instead of complaining that he should have suggested a taxi, I think you should focus on how you’re going to improve your health.. maybe keep the walking up now you’re home? Buy a walking pad? Set yourself a small goal of 3-5k steps a day and increase it each week by 500 steps a day. This may be the catalyst you need to realise you need to improve your health.

I think it's his way of telling you that he has noticed the weight gain, that it's a problem and he doesn't want to become an enabler.

I am a big girl myself so I mean this kindly, but you aren't even out of your 20s yet, so those steps should be a doddle. Instead of focusing on what he did/didn't do I think you need to focus on how to get yourself fit again so you can enjoy your precious youth. Who wants to see the world from a car window?

Do you feel better about yourself for putting that one out there @StationJack?

Op, my initial thought was that you were unreasonable, but having read all your posts, I think your partner is a bit of a knob.

He’s 6’1” and slim; he probably has long legs. Does he have eyes ?
Clearly if your BMI is that high , plus you are only 5’2” , then he must realise that you were not going to be able to cover the same ground that he could; plus it’s hot and very hilly .

Yes, you need your work on your weight and fitness, for yourself , but he doesn’t sound very caring or supportive.

Ask yourself if you want to share another city break with daddy long-legs.

How are you losing the weight? Maybe you should be doing more walking.
Sounds like you booked the wrong holiday, and yes, probably very frustrating for him.

I've just had a look. Day 1 - 12134, day 2 - 16092, day 3 - 8932, day 4 - 13019

Like others I wouldn't see that as a huge amount of steps but hills & heat in the mix certainly changes things.

The obsession with steps is amazing me. I know fitbits and phones count steps, but I prefer to count "time" , ie. the amount of time walking before I'd need a break.

Also there's a huge difference between walking in cool, cold, warm or hot weather isn't there? I mean it's a lot easier to walk for an hour or more straight let's say in cool or cold weather than it is in very warm or hot climates. Well that's my experience anyway!

I stop for a bit when I've had enough, even just to sit on a wall or a bench and glug some water, and watch what's going on around me. We are not machines, and neither should we compare ourselves with anyone else either faster or slower than we are.

OP, you now know that if you feel like joining DP on another city/walking break you either tell him to go by himself and you'll catch up, or you try and get your fitness levels to a better level. However, there is no way you will ever match a six foot + person on the pace/walking front. It's just not possible, unless he slows down to your pace. Talk to him, explain this and see what he thinks. I don't think he has taken into account your height and stride ability given the difference in your heights.

I would be annoyed too, you made a decent effort and then got tired one day and asked to get a taxi. He essentially wouldn’t compromise and instead of getting a taxi with you and still being able to enjoy the holiday together, he decided to guilt trip you and then leave you and go off on his own. A taxi (or tram or whatever) on one day is a very small compromise and you can’t help being tired. Very selfish behaviour.

Especially coupled with the fact he knows you are less fit than he is.

I would be looking for signs of other selfish behaviour in future.

And by the way walking a) in a city in the heat and b) up hills is very hard! That’s a ton of steps in my opinion given those conditions. You should take it easy in the heat. Not walking everywhere sounds very sensible to me.

It doesn't matter what you could have should have done, the point is that in that moment you asked for a compromise so that you could also enjoy the holiday and he said no and left you alone.

You were on holiday, not a bloody route march.

What did it matter if you used taxis to get around? It wasn't a teaching moment. You found a solution that meant you could take part but he didn't want to. I'm sorry. It doesn't sound as if he'd stick up for you in life. Big ick.

You actually edited that worse than useless comment to make it even shittier.

Bottom line, you didn't both enjoy the holiday. A bit more planning and some compromise needed so you can both enjoy yourselves.

I can sympathise with both of you as DH, DD and I want totally different things out of holidays and it's a chore keeping everyone happy.

The problem is that he's really single minded and focused on doing things, and hes always optimistic that it'll be fine, so when there's any issue, it becomes a big thing with him.

But you are right, i was already big when we met. I've put on weight since then, but hes never known me as slim/fit

@georgiexox - not been to Lisbon myself but i gather the hilliness is something else. My gym bunny, very slim, very active daughter who is at uni in Edinburgh went there for a short holiday recently with her equally young, slim and active friends and they all really struggled. I think it might literally be a holiday you need to train a bit for.

It is but Lisbon is absolutely baking atm and has been the last few weeks, that will definitely make a difference plus the calçadas pavements are really hard on your feet even in proper walking shoes

I can't help thinking that your partner is a bit stupid or even a bit nasty to be honest.

You do a desk job, and don't walk much for recreation and you have a BMI of 48.. there was no way in hell you were going to be able to do this trip the way he wanted, the fact that he hadn't pre-planned for the very obvious contingency that you may find it too tiring and hot is quite worrying, he seems 100% focused on his enjoyment, and then tried to guilt and shame you when you couldn't keep up.

I'm overweight, but have good general fitness, and walk a lot normally, but even I would have been tired after a couple of full on days like this, and the problem is when you are tired and hot it just isn't enjoyable, plus you would be in pain from not being used to that level of activity.

He sounds horrible.

I’m sorry op. I was overweight by over 10 stone so know the struggle. Super fit dh. No way would he have let me struggle when I was overweight

You are where you are, being overweight isn’t as simple as eat less move more. It’s very complex. DH needs to understand your struggle and be accomodating. You’ll lose the weight once you’re in the right headspace but until then any efforts will fail

I think some people are being unkind here. The op had already said she’s working to do something about her weight & her husband seems to be blinkered to this.
I’ve put on weight since the menopause hit & also the aching from top to toe doesn’t help. My dh knows this & wouldn’t even suggest walking all day around a possibly hot country.

Think this might be a wake up call, I’ve put on over 3 stone since Covid but can still walk over 10 miles without struggling. Was it particularly hot as I would suffer then?

It was Lisbon which had been in the high 30s for several weeks now 😬

I think you did pretty damn well, op.
Thats a lot of
Heat
Hills
Distance
Weight
Well done.
Now, if you love him and yourself you will get yourself out walking every day and get yourself fitter for your next lot of city breaks. X

I am reading this post also as overweight woman. This isn’t your partners fault and it’s not his job to manage your emotions also.

looking at your step count it’s not actually that high, 10-12,000 steps a day is recommended and if you feel like that after 8-10 then it should be your wake up call.

I think you are more disappointed you couldn’t manage it because of your weight and projecting this onto your partner when in reality he has done nothing wrong.

sorry if that comes across as blunt but as I said I am also heavy but have and continue to do holidays where I walk 12-23,000 steps a day…but I have kids and I need to keep going for my kids.

I think he should have been more understanding. I don't think it's uncommon to go on holiday with others only to realise you aren't able to keep the same pace.

I went to Rome in my early 20's with my friend and dragged her around every sight on foot while she had terrible period pain, she would probably have preferred a slower pace! I've also been away with my mam who likes to stop constantly for smoking breaks and my stepdad who likes to charge everywhere. As a couple you should have worked on a compromise you were both happy with to make the holiday enjoyable for you both! If you'd got really bad blisters or twisted your ankle the plans would have had to be adjusted. I wouldn't have wanted to ditch my partner so I could do sightseeing on my own, we would have just figured out a less intensive way of getting to them all!

I think posters have been very harsh here. We were in Lisbon during the half term heatwave and it was hard going at times. My max daily step count for the week was 17000 ish but mainly closer to 12000 and I was pretty tired by the end of the day (we had the kids with us which would have affected the pace).
I say this as someone who is moderately fit, with a decent step count in daily life. I would also struggle to match DH's pace if he were a foot taller than me!