AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I think he's being unfair. My husband is in a bigger body and struggles when walking. I plan our holidays really carefully so that he isn't miserable and we don't have to walk too far. I know his weight bothers him so I don't need to rub it in, it's been a life long struggle for him. It does make me sad that we can't enjoy the same kind of activity - but we're in a marriage and have to be tolerant of each other, I'm sure there are things he wishes I enjoyed that I don't!

Walking is great for weight loss, but with a BMI of 48 I can see why you struggled.

He was pretty mean, as he must know that was too much for you.

Maybe start building up your fitness levels and adding walks to your day.

I walk a lot, but in the hot weather it isn't much fun!

I had this issue in 2023 - it hurt and was such a struggle, even comfy footwear was painful.
I vowed to sort myself out, lost 4 stone, exercise daily and my mobility and life is so much better
Use this as a wake up call

I think your boyfriend was unreasonable - yes, you agreed to walk but I wouldn't just watch someone I apparently love struggle and not enjoy what is in fact their holiday too when I have a way to help. It was supposed to be a city break, not some kind of endurance test. I'm assuming you paid your share, why shouldn't you get to enjoy it too?

However 48 is a really high BMI and you need to do something about it for your own sake - but then you already know that. Presumably he has eyes, he should have been able to work out that this would be a problem for you but it sounds like he used it as a way to pick at you. Maybe there's more going on in your relationship than we know about, maybe he knows you better than we do and knows reasons why should be very concerned about your weight/lifestyle/attitude but there are better ways to go about it. Does he make nasty comments about your weight or is he usually kind and supportive?

I get that. I went through the same when I met my DP. But a BMI of 48 is scarily high. For a million reasons it would help you to lose some weight. Maybe see your GP to get some bloods done, to see if you're lacking in anything.

We go to Lisbon nearly every year and part of me dreads all the climbing on the slippery stone floor!! It is so hilly! We usually do at least one hill by tuktuk as I feel we should do it once every time we go and they will often take you to little spots less known. The heat definitely doesn’t help.
I think you need to just make yourself go on a proper walk nearly every day. We all scroll on our phone or watch some TV that we could give up that time for. I use audible so I’d plug myself in and listen to a book. We have dogs so I’m out every day anyway but I think you need to just make yourself, start with even 10 minutes around the block and just work your way up. It will honestly make you feel so much better.
BTW if you book another city break and thinking of Porto I feel it’s even more hilly so beware!!

I get that he thinks you miss stuff if you get a taxi rather than walk but you miss even more stuff sitting in a cafe and not going sightseeing at all so why was that his preferred option for you over the taxi compromise?

He's mostly kind and supportive but there's been times where he's made comments that have upset me for sure

48 is really high OP, have you considered weight loss jabs? It's going to be affecting your health - although the heat and hills would have made a lot of walking hard work anyway.

Take advantage of the fact your partner is a keen walker and get out with him to improve your fitness and help with your weight loss.

Hi OP,

I have been to Lisbon so I know how bloody steep everything is, with slippery cobbled streets in the heat too, so I would cut you some slack. However, I am glad that you are getting some support and advice. Despite the particular difficulties of Lisbon, those are not very high step counts and it is concerning that your mobility is effectively limited at a young age.

It sounds like you are willing to work on your fitness so I see only silver linings here:

• getting fitter makes you feel stronger and more confident in your body
• losing weight sounds like it may have health benefits for you
• increasing your physical abilities can only open the door to more adventures with your boyfriend

As someone who is active and not small, do not let anyone tell you that exercise and weight loss are the same thing. Yes, they are linked, but it really helps me with my goals (and self image) is thinking of them separately:

• I exercise because I enjoy it, I feel strong, I challenge myself, I can try new things, and I can see progress in what I was able to do last month, last year, etc.
• I pay attention to my diet because I feel better when my body is properly fuelled. If I get the nutritional balance right, weight loss is the happy by-product of being active and eating well.

Good luck!

pressumidly you knew before you went that you struggled to walk longer distances. Lesson learned that for the next active holiday that you need to get out and do some walking ot build yourself up in the short term with the longer term plan being to get your weight down a bit.
It seems a bit of a cop out to place blame on him when you can't handle a reasonable walking distance. Personal responsibility

I feel like some posters are giving you a bit of a hard time @georgiexox
You’ve said you’re overweight and not as fit as you should be yet people are grilling you about it all and saying you should be able to walk further than that.
I understand your bf was disappointed but I don’t think he did the right thing leaving you behind. He should have compromised with some tacos and some walking so you could enjoy your holiday as well.
It’s good that you’ve seen it as a wake up call and I hope you manage to improve your fitness and that your next holiday is all you want it to be.

But, you did spoil the trip? Not intentionally, but that was the end result.

You specifically planned a walking trip with lots of sight seeing, then changed the goal posts wanting to taxi, knowing it would skip walks through places he wanted to see, and even skip going to some planned places altogether.
Of course he was disappointed, especially when he then got left to go on his own, he wanted to do it together because that was the plan. Nobody likes getting ditched on holiday to do things solo, or be expected to cancel plans.

In the end it wasn't the holiday he had worked up to getting excited about, I appreciate its because you physically weren't up to it, but that doesn't lessen his disappointment or frustration.

OP you know that this is entirely on you. Let this be a wake up call to you so that next year you can have a much healthier, more enjoyable holiday.

I’ve been here. I got such a sore back from walking around on a city break but it was a huge reality check for me. My partner didn’t say anything he was always really kind to me but I was embarrassed at how much I struggled! I’ve lost 8 stone now (granted I used mounjaro) but it has changed my life and now I can walk for miles and as I get older my fitness levels feel so much more important! Do it for yourself and next time you go away you’ll feel amazing!

My BMI is 48, so not good i know. You said you were 5'2".
If I calculated that right you are about 18 st 7.

You weigh about twice what you should weigh.

But 18 months into a relationship isn’t a huge part of going away together just about spending time together away from work and other pressures rather than having to see and do everything? Hardly a waste of OP’s partner’s annual leave - he was spending 4 uninterrupted days with his partner! Or would have been if he hadn’t ditched her half way through in favour of walking around!

Tbh that's a lot of excess weight, you're morbidly obese. Sorry Op but you really need to get a handle on it.

I don't blame your partner for being fed up, you're not the same woman he started dating.

I can’t understand why you didn’t suggest a taxi.

She literally did. That's what the whole fight is about.

Is this the steps? I’m doing this on a normal day at nearly 9 months pregnant!

I would focus on getting healthier.

He should have compromised with some tacos

Kindly, aren't tacos the last thing she needs?

I think both things are true - it's a shame that he couldn't be more adaptable when he realised you were struggling. But 48 is a worryingly high BMI and finding it so hard to walk at 28 should probably be a wake up call. I know its hard (I lost alot of weight a couple of years ago myself) but this will be having a big impact on your health

For me, I went from overweight and completely sedentary a few years ago to slim, fit and healthy now - 15-20k steps a day, weight lifting several times a week etc. Apart from my health being better and mentally feeling better about myself, I love the fact i am not physically limited - i can walk for miles, I can run in my kids sports days, I can sit in public transport comfortably - it really has transformed how I live

I have this with my mum, she’s quite active but is now starting to struggle with more active days as she ages. She commits to an activity and then wants to cut it short or have a meal break.

The important thing is, I love her and I don’t want her to have a bad time on holiday or struggle/ be in pain.

So if something is causing her discomfort or she’s visibly tired, I don’t double down and go ‘you knew what you signed up for’. I adjust the arrangement because I want someone I love to feel comfortable and enjoy her holiday.

It doesn’t matter about your weight or whatever else may be causing the discomfort, a loving partner would want you to have a good time and be considerate of your needs/ how you feel. I don’t see much care or maturity here, just selfish focus on his own experience.

Almost fair enough if you’re both quite young and it could be a learning opportunity for him, but if you’re over 35, he really ought to know better.

I had a period in my life where I wasn’t very fit but wanted to get fitter. Ex and I went on walking holiday. I started to struggle, so he would carry all my gear and ask me if I needed breaks, without a complaint. Fair enough, he’d crack the odd joke about my breaks over breakfast, but it was genuinely funny for us both and I appreciated him letting me ‘princess it out’ without carrying as much as a water bottle so we could both do the hike.

This to me sounds more like the behaviour of a loving partner, rather than unwilling to make any adjustments and just leaving you behind.

Sometimes you get somewhere and it’s much hotter or hillier than expected.

While you’re talking about a specific scenario, to me this may well illustrate the relationship and if a friend’s partner treated them like that, I wouldn’t be happy about it and say something.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. But this is quite a significant mismatch between you. If it continues it won’t just impact future holidays but just general life.

Do you think you’re compatible long term?

I’m fit and active and my weekends usually have some exercise as a social activity with my husband or friends. We’ll cycle to a food market or go on a long walk, or go swimming in the sea etc. Weekends away are either outdoorsy (hiking etc) or active city breaks. I’ve never done a laying on a beach type holiday. Other people would not enjoy my lifestyle at all and have very different ideas of how they want to spend their free time - I get that - but I don’t think I’d want to be married to one of them. Just like they wouldn’t want to be married to me haha and spending £££ to go and camp in the cold on a mountain.

Thanks - yeah i've been totally honest that i'm too heavy and my fitness is nowhere near what it should it be. I'm not lying to anyone, but for now, I am where I am!