AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I can't understand why you can't read...

Having said earlier that it might not necessarily be just your weight, it might also be fitness, if your BMI is that high I don't really understand why it would have been a surprise for your partner.

That must be really hard for you OP, it's going to be a lot of work to lose that much weight.

I guess potentially the positive from that is that you should still be able to eat a reasonable amount and lose weight, and that you'll get massive health benefits even from losing just a few BMI points.

I came across the concept of "exercise snacking" the other day, which is basically that even doing a ten minute walk before work, one at lunch time and one at the end of the day makes a big difference if you're otherwise inactive.

But you did know the type of holiday it was. You said you did. So you should have set expectations before you booked it.

I’m 65, would be classed as morbidly obese at a size 16 and try to walk at least 10,000 steps a day ( usually my husband drags me along!). I find if we go on a day trip or weekend away and I do over 15,000 steps I really feel it. You are very young but if you don’t walk much it can be exhausting initially. I find if I’m somewhere less urban I manage better. I imagine Lisbon was hot and I know there are some steep hills. Forgive yourself and him and maybe think how you want to move forward ( no pun intended). I don’t want to preach but now is the time to get fitter. I was slim and very fit into my thirties and now I have a grandchild I wish I had maintained my fitness, particularly flexibility. I’m trying and I know you can do it too.

I think the weight and fitness is a separate issue really. You know it needs addressing you don't need people here to tell you that.

I can see why your partner would be disappointed if the trip wasn't what he expected. But I also feel like he's watched you realise you're not as fit as you thought and have to face up to it, which is hard and upsetting for you. It's a shame he didn't really have sympathy for that. You booked the trip thinking you could manage, and have found out you can't, and that's a rubbish feeling. But he only thought about himself.

He can both be disappointed but also supportive/empathetic.

It seem to be very much what he wants. Is a lot of your relationship like this OP?

I do get that he was possibly disappointed that the original plans of walking everywhere were derailed, but you only asked to consider a a taxi for the longer walks. It seems like he didn’t want to compromise at all. This doesn’t sound like a good man. He would’ve wanted to make sure you were comfortable for at least some of the break at least.

I hate walking. I'm a lazy arse. DH loves it. When we go on holiday, he'll get up early and go for a trek, be back by breakfast happy as larry.

Sometimes if we walk somewhere I'll wait in a cafe with a book and a cuppa - bliss bliss. He'll walk back to the start, get the car and come and fetch me.

Does he moan? Does he say ffs Champagne you are a lazy arse and my holiday is ruined?

No! He thinks I'm hilarious and gorgeous and fan-bloody-tastic and he doesn't mind At All. That's the kind of vibe you want on your hol - and in life.

(plus, I got him a dog so he'd have a little walking pal. I'm clever, me).

He's very much a planner and I tend to just go along with it. We've done a couple of mini one night breaks before, which were hard with walking but I managed them, so i thought i'd be ok for this bigger one.

I went intending to do it all as I wanted to have a nice time together, I didn't mean to spoil the trip or anything.

I think that level of walking in 30 degree heat is different to walking it about town at home.

Can i just tell you op you don't need an expensive apple watch. I use a step counter app on my ordinary phone and I love it! it just really ecnourages me and makes me proud when I hit my distances it sets off pictures of fireworks!

Your partner isn’t ’naturally slim’ though you explained exactly why he is slim and you aren’t

Unless you have a disability YABU. He didn’t make you made about the situation, the situation made you feel bad about yourself

In that case he was being unreasonable expecting you to all of a sudden be able to hike up hills in hot weather. He knows you and must have had a fair idea that you’d struggle . It was a bit mean or naive of him to expect it

I am overweight but walk on city breaks an average of 9-11 miles a day. How far had you walked before you broke?

OP, I’d like to start this by sending you a big hug! You’ve responded to so many of the questions that have been asked and I can just feel how down you are about this through your words.

Lisbon is a hilly place. And hot, yes? So you have these factors to contend with, no matter how fit you are. From your step count, I reckon that’s pretty good going everyday in those conditions, it’s not like you managed 2000 steps and declared no more! I think maybe a bit more come and go on your partner’s part would have been nice, you clearly did walk a good bit and city break or not, an odd taxi or bus here or there would hardly spoil the holiday.

I wish you well on your road to fitness - remember, it’s about how you feel about yourself, it’s not about pleasing other people.

It was on the third day in the morning I started really struggling, then after lunch it was going to be about a 35 minute walk somewhere and I just couldn't face it so I went to a cafe on my own

This isn’t your partners fault and it’s not his job to manage your emotions also.

I disagree with this part entirely, I went on a London break with DH, we walked everywhere so as not to miss any sights, I'm overweight but pretty fit and we were both pretty knackered at the end of the trip, but we loved it.

I later went with my sister who is probably similar in size/fitness to OP, I arranged the trip so we were seeing everything we wanted but taking the tube, or river boat to get to the sights we wanted to see, with plenty of stops and breaks built in if I saw her getting tired.

I knew she would not have been able to walk everywhere and would end up in pain and discomfort if I insisted on it, so her enjoyment and comfort was more important to me than 'doing the holiday my way' for the sake of it.

I meant to add to my post, there lots of people who visit Edinburgh (for example) and don’t appreciate that a mile walking there is about 2-3 miles of effort when you factor in the hilliness!

The step count you’ve posted is not high at all. Especially as you say it was stop/start with breaks. Heat or not that should be quite easily manageable.
i would never get taxis on a city break, he’s right, you miss loads and it spoils the trip. It doesn’t sound like he was unkind about it, just disappointed, I would be too. Sounds like you’re not very compatible.

Lisbon is a Fabulous place but very hilly. Try Florence next time, is a great city break, aside from
the steep hill up to the Boboli Gardens, it’s pretty flat and easy to get around.

I feel for you OP. I'm glad this has been a wake up call because that amount of steps really shouldn't be an issue. Please contact your GP and get on some WLIs to give you a better quality of life.

2 days was good going already. Spending some time in a cafe wasn’t ruining it. I do this sometimes when DH wants to hike up some hilly place and I’ve had enough . I find a shaded place and happily rest while I wait for him

I walk miles up and down hills (live in Wales) and go to the gym several times a week but I found Lisbon really hard going for walking about.
Even DH who likes nothing better than marching around all day long agreed the hop on/off bus was a good idea.

Thank you xx

I was a bit disappointed to not go to where we were planning. I thought about getting a taxi myself but would have felt a bit silly i guess, so I thought the cafe was a good compromise for both of us, but he was clearly in a mood afterwards

I mean she has a BMI of 48 and is sedentary, he was a blithering idiot if he thought she was going to be walking 20/30km a day up and down hills in the heat, come on.

Ah… steep hills! 7 of them! You would struggle there with the steep streets and the heat

in all seriousness tho, that step count is less than my average week. It’s also clearly significantly more than you usually do. For comparison, I walk the dog in the morning, that’s a couple of km, go to exercise classes 4/5 sessions a week. That bumps up the steps and the calories burned etc.

but it wasn’t always that way.

like you (2 years ago) I knew I needed to do something about my weight/health

i went on mounjaro and haven’t looked back. I’ve lost 6stone and am fitter than I have ever been in my life. I’m 58.

theres lots of time for you to do something about this, and I can’t recommend it enough

Don’t give up on yourself, lose the weight and up the exercise. You are worth it!

He could have shown a bit of give and take. I don't mind sightseeing on holiday, but I don't want to be route marching miles every day to a strict timetable. And what's wrong with doing your own thing for one or two day of the trip?? Did he need Mummy holding his hand? I went on holiday with a friend last year, one day I wanted to do a long walk along the beach and the coast path, she didn't, she wanted to relax and read her book, so we both did what we want. I wouldn't have dreamed of showing disappointment cos I'm an adult. He should have been more chill about it. YANBU.