AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

It seems an exaggerated leap on his part to go from your request to get taxis for some of the longer walks to complaining that you'd be missing loads getting taxis everywhere. He could have stated his preference for walking as much as possible but asked you to say when, specifically, it was getting too much for you or you could have both figured out up front when to walk vs use transit/taxi based on length of the journey, terrain, and temperature. If he loves to walk for its own sake he's still free to take his own walks separately.

It seems hypocritical for him to say that the point of the holiday is to spend time together and then ditch you because you can't keep up all of the time due to physical limitations. If it's your first trip to Lisbon I can completely understand how you might have misjudged how steep many of the streets and walks are and how much heat and humidity might impact you as it's been really hot for June. And absolutely he should have slowed his pace when the two of you were walking together even if you'd never said anything - I absolutely hate seeing male tourists barrel ahead of their partners and children expecting them to scurry to catch up. You're on holiday, mate, you're not trying to beat out Burton to get to the source of the Nile!

It isn't fair for you to miss out on the activities the two of you planned to do together because of mobility issues, BUT it seems like that was within your control - in your position I'd have taken the bus or taxi when I needed to and told him I'd see him when he got to the venue if he preferred to walk. Or you could have agreed to split up to explore during the day and just met up for dinner. Why did you just opt out and settle for sitting in cafes rather than enjoying the holiday you wanted? It was yours as much as his.

4th paragraph down.

"I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks."

This is just nonsense though. 12000 steps is about 8.5k for an average woman. And the average grown up in the uk is not walking 8.5 steps everyday. 30000 steps is solidly over 20km, obviously not an insane amount but really wuite a lot to be walking. And she was in Lisbon which is a crazily crazily hilly city! Agree she needs to improve fitness but this kind of comment is a bit unrealistic

I am a trim size 8 who walks a lot - up to 30,000 steps a day on some trips.

BUT I would not be walking - or trying to walk - 12,000 steps in a hilly situation in heat.

That is just madness. Look what happened to poor Michael Moseley and no-one would call him fat or unfit. Have you seen the temperatures in Lisbon lately?

It is just as important to be sensible in heat as it is to be fit.

How hot was it when you were there OP? If much over 30 I think this is all on your DP.

It's really not your weight it's your fitness.
I'm 68 with rheumatoid arthritis and we would easily average 15k steps a day just on a beach holiday.

Having said that city breaks are exhausting regardless of steps.

Maybe you could try to gradually increase your walking each day?

Then you aren’t being unreasonable. Plus I would bet my life on it that at 6ft 1 he is doing a couple of thousand less per day.

You might be overweight, but you’ve done a good distance, and this doesn’t mention how much you were probably on your feet stood still too.

He needs to be more understanding, I actually think that if you do want to lose weight then the conversation with him should be around how you will make the effort to become more active, but that to support you he also needs to consider that it is more difficult for you right now and you can’t fix it overnight.

If he can’t get on board then put him back for someone else to find.

It’s about 8 km of going pretty much constantly up and down stairs and hills. Have you ever been to Lisbon?

The number of steps isn't the issue, it's the pace and the terrain and the weather.

The boyfriend is much taller and fitter, the walks were hilly and it was very hot.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable exactly, but you currently have very different capabilities physically.
I understand your DP not wanting to get taxis, but also understand why for you that would have been a better and more comfortable option and maybe a compromise could have been you could have got a taxi to the place you were hoping to visit, and then walked back or visa versa, which is maybe something to plan for next time.
I don't think it is fair for him to act as though you spoiled the trip though.
I just went on holiday to Florence with my mum for her 70th birthday and some days we clocked 20,000 steps albeit at a slow, steady pace, and on a couple of days we were just shy of 10,000 because my mum needed more breaks and that was totally fine because the trip should be enjoyable for everyone, not just the people who have the energy to bound about everywhere!

I'm 52 with rheumatoid arthritis and I could not manage that. You must post your medication diet and exercise regime because it's fucking clobbering me right now. Particularly in this heat.

You know that you need to address your fitness / weight (they are obviously related), that's a given if you are struggling to spend the day sightseeing at 28.

I also think that your partner could have been more understanding at the time - there is nothing you could do in the moment to improve your ability to walk more.

Do you think he might be frustrated by your lack of action on your weight?

That’s nothing for a city break. We do 25-30k a day

This sounds like the whole 'I fed a family of six for four days on one small chicken'...

It was between 27C and 31C when we were there

(sorry everyone i'm not ignoring stuff but just been on work call and trying to catch up with replies!)

No health issues just pretty unfit, combination of weight and not being very active the last few years

Why is he a dick? Seems the holiday was one of those breaks where a lot of walking and exploring was planned/expected. He only expressed disappointment that the holiday hadn’t turned out as planned. Maybe OP and partner are no longer compatible.

Yeah it was hard. I was doing as much as I could but the hills and steps especially were a killer.

My BMI is 48, so not good i know.

OP, just keep in mind that this is Mumsnet where one chicken feed a family of 5 for three meals, no-one ever answers the door or phone and people can easily survive on £100 a week and still have substantial life savings.

You will gain nothing further from this thread. As soon as you mentioned being overweight the heat, the step count and the incline meant nothing.

You know self improvement would be beneficial for you.
You know that neither your nor your partner were unreasonable; it's just one of those unfortunate things where different people had different needs and coping abilities.

Move on from that weekend and this thread.

Well- if your BMI is 48 he presumably knows you have a fitness issue and to push or shame you makes him even more of a dick. IMO.

I will say again- weight is not a character flaw. I hope you enjoyed your trip though a bit.

Struggling to walk 45 mins to 1 hr at the age of 28 is a worry, as is a considerable weight gain that makes walking for that amount of time difficult.

Do you know why you've gained so much weight, @georgiexox? Have you changed to a more sedentary job? Started taking medication that might be having an impact? Are you overeating because you are unhappy? Or gained weight because you've thrown caution to the wind with dinners/drinking more because you are in the throes of a new relationship?

I think the lack of mobility should be a wake-up call, but it really helps to work out the underlying cause.

The weight gain has been gradual since high school, and especially since Covid but i've never really been slim.

I'd be really worried if my partner couldn't manage such short distances without needing to get in a taxi - but also probably a little pissed off, if I'm being honest (injuries or disabilities aside, obviously).

I would stop focusing on his response and try and see this as a wake up call.

That’s a very high BMI so honestly I’m surprised your bf even expected that kind of holiday. I wouldn’t expect a morbidly obese person to be able to do much walking so I think he has been a bit naive in expecting you to be able to do it in the first place. I thought you were maybe a little overweight and it was mainly a fitness problem which might be frustrating for him, but it can’t have been a surprise to him that you might struggle.

It’s not good, no, but what I’m struggling to understand is you’ve not been together long so you must have already been very overweight when you met. So surely this hasn’t come as a surprise to him? I could sort of get it if there had been a creep over a decade or two and he ‘forgot’ that you’re not the fit and active person he first met and went on lots of energetic adventures with.

Sorry clicked send on that before i'd finished typing.

My job is desk based so i'm not moving much with that, and then some of it has just been being in a happy bubble since meeting my partner so i haven't really been worried about watching my weight and stuf