AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

If the OP were to say having cake is the only way to be happy then you would absolutely be correct. However I think most of us can agree that experiencing the different foods in different places is part of the joy of discovery on holidays, and you can't place a moral value on that depending upon whether the local delicacy happens to be salad rather than cake. I remember the bliss of dicovering Greek salad on holiday. Just as satisfying as pastel de nata in Lisbon. I personally would be fucking miserable if I had to make moral value judgements on discovering foreign foods based upon calorie count. Obviously no-one thinks it's a good idea to scoff 20 pasteles de nata in five minutes if you have a weight problem, but the OP didn't start the thread to ask about suggestions for weight loss. She has repeatedly acknowledged her weight issues and been very patient in the face of what I think is quite severe provocation from those completely ignoring the point of the thread so they can have a pop at her because weight is an easy target.

😂
The competitive parsimonious attitude to food and obsession with weight as a measure of moral fibre is why I will never leave this site.

It’s fucking hilarious.

OPs DP has treated her really poorly and the overwhelming response is well who can blame him she’s really fat.

she’s had unsolicited weight loss advice,

comments about her health and psychological wellbeing, been told her DP will leave her, that she’s failing as a person.

if she was slim and just said her knees are painful, she’d have had sympathy both for her wellbeing and the fact that she was treated badly

Thank god for that.

You’d hate it anyway, not just because you don’t like cake but because I’m slim and you wouldn’t be able to bask in your disgust of a fat person enjoying cake. Sorry about that

I wouldn’t even notice you i would hazard a guess

Oh yes it is, especially if you eat a few of them at a cafe and bring a dozen of them back to your hotel. They are a high calorie no nutrition rare treat. In a quantity of one.

What have you done about it though? Have you seen your GP? This is class 3 / clinical obesity, it’s not really a joking matter. There are serious health risks. No need to “feel miserable” but at least do something about it.

I say this as a 5ft woman tipping into obese category and feeling really desperate about it!

Even though I'm not keen on cake, I always try one on holiday. Not been to Portugal but maybe I'd try Pão De Ló.

I'm not overweight but that's not because I don't eat cake and only drink sugar-free drinks. I don't like soft drinks either.
I have a healthier relationship with food. (I'm bloody starving right now and there's no fresh food in.)
.

Quite. The slim person eating cake, drinking beer, sipping champagne and living their best life passes unnoticed because you’re too busy sneering at those who are “so overweight [they] had to stay in a café, ankles puffy, out of breath, wanting to get taxis.”

You've lolled about the pastries, but could that be why he was even more annoyed afterwards? Perhaps he saw it as, you couldn't manage the walk but chose to sit and eat instead. Have there been convo's around losing weight, eating health where it hasn't materialised? I can understand feeling disappointed that you refused to do a 35 minute walk on day 3. Maybe just as it was a wake up call for you, it was a bit of a jolt to reality for him.

I never eat cakes or sugar anymore. Not even carbs. My health has vastly improved.

Here's your medal 🏅

These were longer bursts of activity presumably in heat as well. I think there should have been more give and take, but also that for yourself it might be worth looking at your fitness?

Well, that would have been an asshole move. If that had really been his motivation he should have suggested a few weeks in advance "hey Georgie, our city break is coming up and I think it would be good to do a few evening/weekend walks to built up to it, what do you reckon?" You don't wait until the holiday and then power through 4 days of hardcore walking. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he just didn't think it through but the fact that once he realised there was still no change of plan was really quite shitty of him. It wouldn't have spoilt the enjoyment to take a couple of Ubers on the last two days.

He doesn't sound particularly nice. Ignoring the weight/fitness (because I know you've covered that loads!), are you genuinely happy in the relationship? He plans everything, including things that pretty clearly aren't suitable for you (he must have realised that even if you didn't), then has a strop when you can't cope.

Oh dear

I think what you should take from this is that the next holiday will be infinitely better as you will have lost the excess weight and will be feeling fitter and be able to enjoy it properly together. Don't dwell on what's happened and can't be changed but put your energy into your weightloss/fitness journey. This is the motivation you needed to get yourself healthy!

Make the next holiday one with someone kind who treats you with respect.

Do you do them in a heatwave where everyone is saying there's a risk to life?

Thank you for this PSA!

I am about your height with a similar BMI but (almost) twice your age. My DH is the same height and build as your DP (although a couple of decades older). I've been thinking that Lisbon would be a fun place to visit but maybe I need to give this a bit more thought - especially about the time of year/expected temperatures.

We find walking together tricky - especially while holding hands, which is beautifully romantic but I find makes walking even harder. I take about three steps for every two of his and he strides forth with strength and purpose - I feel like I am trotting along like a fat, aged terrier sometimes. He finds it really hard to walk at my pace and I find it impossible to walk at his if also trying to hold a conversation, have fun or breathe!

We have to compromise; sometimes, he goes off for a "stomp" while I sit and admire the scenery and if he's found something interesting, I'll go and have a look with him. We will also set out with the intention of getting a bus or taxi back at the end of the day so I know that I don't need to keep enough in the tank to get me home.

I too know that I need to work on my fitness - especially if I want to have an active old age - but no matter what I do, my legs are never going to be as long as his so we needed to find a way to make it work, or decide to do things separately.

I don't have any answers, but I just wanted to give you a give of solidarity, understanding and encouragement.

Totally agree. This is batshit. They went away together after being together for 18mnths, they didn't go on a blind date.

If he's not already aware of OPs weight or fitness that says a lot for him. I went to Rome with my kids last year and despite us all being fit we took a number of taxis around due to the heat. I couldn't care less if most of MN would of walked, worn light clothing and called there children ungrateful for complaining about the heat.

I don’t particularly enjoy walking without a specific purpose, but I’m underweight and prefer to do a proper hour of intense exercise a day and then get the bus everywhere else!

However it sounds like your weight and the subsequent inability to do certain things is now starting to bother him. This could be because he is worried about your health (and it sounds like you’ve gained 1.5-2 stone since you got together 18 months ago) or because he isn’t attracted to you like this or because he is a dick.

Either way sadly your weight is the only thing you directly can change here. I’d have been upset too if I were you, but also if I was him!

I’m sorry @georgiexoxi posted before reading all of your updates,, which will hopefully teach me a lesson.

I can see that you were concerned about the trip, taking measures to reduce chub rub etc.

I wonder if you shared any of your concerns with him before hand? It’s ok some posters saying that you were obese beforehand and he should have realised that before but some men —looking at you DH— can be very obtuse and literally need things spelling out to them.

So in your situation, if I hadn’t have said “I’m really looking forward to the holiday but it’s going to be hot and hilly and sometimes I might just need a bit of a sit down and a cool drink. You can join me or go off exploring”, it literally wouldn’t occur to him that I couldn’t do everything planned.

So maybe communication is something to look at improving, on both sides, if you do decide to stay.

And I’m also sorry about suggesting running. It can be useful but I hadn’t realised your BMI when I suggested this.

Totally agree that you need to see your GP about becoming more fit. Losing weight is up to you but if it was me, I’d be trying to up my fitness and stamina first.

And I do get that your DP was disappointed but that doesn’t excuse him for being a dick.

He could have suggested that you had a drink whilst he walked and then took a taxi to meet him or compromised and both gone in a taxi. It doesn’t sound like compromise is his strong point though?

And sulking in the evening is a big red flag 🚩

I think you know that’s wrong of him and worrying behaviour and that’s why you you’ve posted.

Making comments about what you eat and how much isn’t great either. I get that he’s worried, you’ve had a big step up in weight since getting with him, I think you’re averaging a stone a year since you met? He might be worried about you but criticising you and what you eat won’t help you to become more healthy or feel better about yourself as you probably know already.

I think there is a bit of a weird seam through the thread where people are saying things like they never eat cake.

I’m around your height and score in the healthy area for BMI and I can assure you that I do regularly eat cake, your future does not have to be one of austerity. My DF always said “everything in moderation” so I eat cake and chocolate too

Whether you decide to stay with him or not, I’d think about how you want future to be.

I’m sure you have things you want to do and having the strength and stamina to do those things will be good for you. Having someone with you who doesn’t compromise and sulks might be even better?

I hope you do see the GP and start to make changes, for yourself though, not for your DP and use this experience as a step towards a better future

He didn’t treat her poorly. He was probably shocked at her level of fitness as indeed was she.

I don't think that's true. If the roles were reversed and OP had written "I'm quite active. My partner is 19 stone and sedentary. We recently booked a 4 day trip to Lisbon. We walked everywhere for the first two days but on day three we had walked a few hours had a short break and we're just about to set off for the next walk he suggested to get a taxi instead. I told him absolutely not and left to walk on without him. He wants to walk but also take some taxis tomorrow. I said no and am really annoyed with him. Aibu?" I think OP would rightly be told she was being a twat!

It wasn't a few hours though @honeybeetheoneandonly. OP said higher up the thread that they walked for 45 mins to an hour. That's not long/far at all.